PE Mommy

It's been awhile

2010-02-08T07:15:00.002-05:00

Hello Blogland, it's been awhile. Wow. I can't believe I havn't posted in soooo long. Well let's see what has been going on. I started the new job. It is awesome. I am soooo much happier there than I ever was at where I was before. I was hired to write contracts for the services team. However, back in December another person at another facility retired. So I got moved to the hospital a half mile from my house (HOORAY NO MORE COMMUTE OF 45 MILES EACH WAY). I got my own office, with a door. Very exciting. The engineers and other people there seem to be happy that I am there. So my work life is great. I am now on construction and services. Let me tell you I am SWAMPED. I run all day long at work. I am much happier now.

In October, I had to have emergency surgery. My IUD perforated. Can you believe that? The ER was less than thrilling. I came in thinking I had a kidney infection. My urine and bloodwork was ok (that doesn't really mean anything to me because I am the wierd chick that can have that normal and still have a raging infection on cat scan). The PA, I wanted to throttle her. I was severely nauseated and had horrible back pain. Worse than labor. She gave me toradol and companzine. It did nothing. Then she said she thought I had a stone. So she wanted me to drink as much as I could. Hello, did she forget the part that I was severely nauseated? Then she comes in and says you are not going to puke are you? I don't know, I present with severe nausea and YOU have me drinking water. Just throw in an iv for pete's sake. Then she says, well I guess we can do a cat scan if you really want to rule out a stone. DO IT, something is WRONG. All of a sudden I am told to stop drinking. That my cat scan came back abnormal and my iud might not be in the right place? They kept asking me questions of when was it placed? May. Did anyone check it? Yes my surgeon/specialist and my ob. It was correctly placed. They leave to look at the scan again and I end up puking. Told her I was nauseated. Then I hear them call my ob. I am immediately admitted for emergency surgery. I finally get drugs. A nice dose of dilaudid and zofran. Hated the ER staff. Loved the second floor staff. They told me dirty jokes and made me laugh. I was the youngest person on the floor. Some reason I went to the cardiac floor. Oh well, those nurses rocked. My poor ob who got called at 2am was awesome. I think he was a bit in shock it perforated too. My estimate was it had been perforated about a month. I just ignored the pain of it till I couldn't anymore. My ob said it was only the second time in 10 years of practice that he had seen one perforate. Yeah, lucky me.

Miss Cate, our miracle baby is such a joy. She is a year old now. She is cruising (can't leave anything on the end tables), babbling and talking, and a normal one year old. Hard to believe that if I had NOT have gotten that progesterone when I did, I honestly think she would not be here now. The other two girls adore her.

Miss Sara is an active 4 year old. She keeps asking when she can go to kindegarden. I tell her in September. She is soooo active. She is totally involved in dance and playing with Cate. They are best friends.

Miss Kirsten is doing well. She is all excited that next year she will be in middle school (god help me now). She is active in dance classes and all of her activities.

We are planning a family vacation to Disney in July. Oh my!

It's been so long!!!

2009-08-06T23:48:00.002-05:00

I have been SOOOOOOOOOO busy and so sorry I have neglected my blog. So here I am for an update!

Cate - Is now 6 months old and looking like Kirsten's twin as a baby! You seriously can't tell the difference between their baby pictures at this stage. She is so beautiful and a happy baby. Totally has my personality too already. She is going through separation anxiety already! We are having some health problems with her though. The drs think she has a condition called tracheamalacia. Basically they think that her trachea is soft instead of rigid. When she breathes it collapses on itself cutting off her airway. In addition, she has reflux, huge adenoids, and asthma. They are all intermingled. We are currently seeing an ENT. She was seeing an allergy specialist, but he has now referred us to the lung center at Children's Hospital to be followed by a pulmonologist. We will be going to the OR for a scope of her nose and upper airway and adenoids. She will also have a bronchoscopy as well. The traceamalacia can be confirmed by the bronchoscopy. So I have been really busy with my sick baby. Through it all she smiles and is a trooper. We'll have more news on this on the 20th when she goes back to the ENT.

Sara - Now 4 years old and quite the character. She is growing up so fast and I can't believe next year she is starting kindegarden. God help the elementary school. She is now into mermaids. She has about 6 of them now. She is doing great!!! This year she wants to do cheerleading and gymnastics/tumbling at dance.

Kirsten - is 10 going on 21! The teenage years have started. She has gotten mouthy. Constantly talking back and having to have the last word. I have warned her now that the nintendo ds is mine the next time it happens. She wants to sleep all day and stay up all night. Ummm NO. She did very well at school and her recital. She is excited because her best friend Alyssa is in her class this year. YIKES. She is going to do cheerleading again, jazz, and tumbling.

Me - I got a new job!!!! Yep. Got hired by the VA!!! OMG it is so much better than my last job. I can't believe I stayed away for so long. We compete our contracts, the software is so much easier (what took me DAYS at my last job I can do in an hour now!!!!!), commute is shorter by 20 minutes each way, and I got a 10k payraise. I just love it. They encourage employees to go out of their way to help a veteran. I just love what I do again. The people are awesome at my new job. Love it love it love it!!!! I am so happy to be there. Seriously. The workload is so much less. I had over 200 contracts to juggle before. Now 10-15. SERIOUSLY. I have nothing but bad things to say about the Corps. I was very upset with how I left. I asked for them not to do anything (because I knew they would do it halfassed). Normally when someone leaves, there is a luncheon thrown for them, they get the rest of the afternoon off at no charge to leave, and a gift. Anyway, I went out for surgery for two weeks. While working from home because of the surgery, my boss called me and said I was not selected for the promotion in the office. WTF. I had put in for the VA so I knew I had a good chance there. Anyway, the interview was f'd up. He had himself and two people that knew NOTHING about contracting interview me. Seriously. They couldn't even qualify for the job. Quite frankly, I was insulted that such an important position was being decided that way. Who he chose was someone on the outside that they would have to TRAIN. WTF? Anyway, I interviewed for the VA two weeks later after my interview with the Corps.

So my VA interview was more like what it should have been, all contracting people on the panel. All supervisors. So I came back to work on the 26th and was hired by the VA on the 29th. Take that asshole. He was shocked to say the least as he thought I had no place to go. I don't know what he thought about that he had me locked in that hellhole. I went tdy for 2 weeks in June and started with the VA in July. I have been so happy to change. I just love it. The best thing is they are saying that I could possibly move to the hospital that is a half mile from my house in 6 mos!!!! That means no 35-40 min commute period!!!!!!!

The people are very nice and very helpful and knowlegable. Love it.

Anyway back to me leaving. They should have just done nothing. Seriously. I got a card and an $8 lunch. I didn't want a luncheon. Even when people insist on no luncheon and just an office get together, they still take up a collection from the whole agency and give a gift. My office didn't bother. Several asked me after I left if they had done one because they had missed it. I told them what happened and they were like that was so wrong. Oh and I left pics on my desk accidentally. I left at 12 noon, and I literally got them in the mail the next morning. Which means my desk was gone through IMMEDIATELY. Seriously..... Just bad feelings about that place and so glad I got out. In my new job, I have the opportunity to move up two more grades. You can only go up to a 15 in the GS system. I am already a 12. LOVE IT.

My endo is GONE since the surgery. I am very pleased with the outcome. It came out that she biopsied 6 areas. It was confirmed by pathology that endo was on my ovaries and bladder. My ob was pleased it was taken over too.

My bp has been back to normal for a few months now. My pcp says that doesn't mean you have carte blanche for more babies. I really feel one more is in my future and then I am so done. I have already asked my ob that if I did get pregnant again, could I skip the labor and just go straight for a csection hysterectomy. He said it was an excellent idea in my case, that he would be happy to do it. If I decided no more, call when I wanted the hysterectomy done.

Anyway, that's just a quick update. I'll post more later. Going on vacation tomorrow for a week!!

All that worry for nothing!

2009-05-08T20:37:00.003-05:00

Seriously, it was the best hospital experience ever! Everyone was so kind and compassionate. Everyone on the surgery team came and introduced themselves to me including the nurses and told me what their jobs would be. The anesthesiologist rocked. He was so kind and he even came and checked on me several times afterwards to make sure I was ok! I mean seriously, I have NEVER had care like this before. Amazing. Simply amazing. This has been the easiest lap to recover from even though they did more work.

I did have some problems afterwards but they were taken care of immediately. I had some pain, they gave me a shot of toradol. HOORAY. The nurse told me the first thing they learn in nursing school is to treat the patient if they say they are in pain even if they don't look like it. WOW. These people loved their jobs. They worked great as a team together. I was watching other patients in the preop area. Sometimes it would become crowded in the area with the different members of the surgical team coming to introduce themselves. They would introduce themselves to each other as well. It was like family lol. I also had some nausea when they moved me from the stretcher to the chair. They gave me two bags of phenergan and then I was STARVING. I had trouble peeing, so I had to stay longer and they gave me more fluids to wake up my bladder. I finally went.

Anyway, my doctor found several areas of endo and removed them. She sent them for biopsy.

All is great in the world again.

Confused

2009-04-24T02:29:00.002-05:00

Well I have my surgery scheduled. It is scheduled for 5/7. Let me tell you, this is a huge leap of faith for me. You know I am having serious pain when I have agreed to let a new dr do a surgery on me in a university hospital. I hate university hospitals. The last time I was in one was with Kirsten and I was passed from dr to dr because my dr went on vacation and didn't bother to tell me when she admitted me. I felt like a science experiment for all the residents, med students, and nursing students, cause I got to see them all. I didn't like it one bit. I hated being passed from dr to dr. Then again, I just had a terrible experience when I had Cate with a small community hospital. I have decided to make sure that I am my own patient advocate. I will never sit back and let a nurse make comments that are not right and treat me like crap as a patient.

I am encouraged by what I have seen of the big bad university hospital so far. There is a HUGE emphasis on patient satisfaction. HUGE. I had to change the date of the surgery they originally scheduled (4/30) because it was a bad date for us. The OBGYN secretary was sooooo sweet. I mean she couldn't have been nicer. When I expressed surprise and gratitude at how nice she was. She said honey we are here for the patient. We want you to have a good experience. WOW. What a difference from my home hospital. I mean you shouldn't be grateful for a nurse being nice to you. Which doesn't make sense and means the hospital is NOT doing enough to work on customer service within the hospital. I mean they advocate it on tv commercials. Their staff is NOT walking the walk. So I am feeling a tiny bit better about going to the big bad hospital. At this point, I am desparate to not have this pelvic pain anymore.

I came across an article on about.com regarding intuition as a patient. It was written by a dr and it said ALWAYS trust your intuition. If you feel you are not getting the best care possible. Listen to that little voice inside you. That's what I did this time. I can't live with having to take a narcotic to control the pelvic pain. I shouldn't have to do that. I know something can be done. I am encouraged that the specialist said she is going to cut it out.

I am very worried about several things. 1) What if the operative reports are wrong? I mean I am totally confused about my ob and why he has done certain things. My first surgery I had adhesions which he cut and took out. He didn't see lesions of endo. However, I had adhesions for no reasons. I didn't have any risk factors for them. According to the specialist, they were most likely caused by endo. My second operative report done 8 months later states that there was scarring and old endometriosis between the tubes and ovaries. Yet when I had my post op appt and after my surgery, my ob told me he didn't see anything? Maybe he didn't think much of the endo and scarring. However, that was a major change from my last report. Why didn't he just tell me what he found? Why did he say he didn't see anything? Why did he open me up only to sa yep it's there. Then he didn't do anything about it. That is not what we agreed to. My only guess is that since he is a regular obgyn, he just doesn't know what the hell he was doing. Which is why I am now seeing a specialist. She has promised me she will not leave it in. She has said it will be a very extensive surgery unlike before. That scares the pants off me too. What if it is worse than he said because he didn't know what he was looking at? What if I end up losing a tube or an ovary or it gets converted to a laparotomy? I have some of these questions for the surgeon.

2) Of course I am terrified of terrible nursing care again. I plan to discuss this with the specialist at the preop appt so that I know what she is prescribing for me and what to expect at this hospital.

3) This doesn't have to do with the surgery coming up but the one I had with the miscarriage. The reports do not make sense. My ob had on the operative report blighted ovum/intrauterine fetal demise at 13 weeks. WTF. That is like an oxymoron. You can't have both. This baby was certainly not a blighted ovum when it measured 13 weeks and was a fully formed baby on the US screen. Which led to me going and looking at the pathology reports. I expected the path reports to say that there was a baby of whatever gestational age. That's not what it said. It said basically it received placenta, uterine lining, amniotic bag. HUH. Then I had a couple of drs review the records and discovered he missed the baby. How could he miss the baby? That is why I had such horrible pain for 2 days and bled so heavily. That clot that I thought I passed that I had to push out was really the baby all messed up from the D&C. I can't be mad about that he missed. It's a known complication of the d&c. Dammit, I am mad that he didn't tell me. My ob HAD to have known. I mean when you expect to pull out a dead 13 week fetus and you just get some tissue, wouldn't something click? When you see the path report telling you what was found wouldn't you think? When I describe passing an enormous clot bigger than my fist and that there was a lot of blood and pain, wouldn't you think maybe you missed? What about an US report from the ER that says there is a 10x6cm structure still in the uterus, wouldn't you think hey I missed? He told the ER dr no way that he missed. He was positive he got it all. The ER dr did not question him. I was told by the drs that reviewed the chart (these were a friend/acquaintances), that I should NEVER have been allowed to go home from the ER with a mass that large in my uterus. It wasn't like my ob didn't do USs in his office. He did two. One at 8 weeks and one at 12 weeks. He should have documented the heartbeat in my chart. Wouldn't that cross your mind that this was not a blighted ovum and you are missing something.

So I am confused. Honestly, he took excellent care of me with Sara and Cate. Couldn't have asked for anything different. Gave me everything I asked for. The endo thing, most obgyns can and do not know how to treat. I am referred for a specialist to handle that now. I am terribly bothered that he did not tell me about the d&c botch after the miscarriage. I wondered when I had the first US with him with Cate WHY he took over 20 minutes to US her. Before it was yep, baby is in the uterus, there is the heartbeat. Baby is moving. Done. He took over 20 minutes at that first appt to check her out. I worried terribly something was wrong. It was because of the D&C I think. I have honestly thought about changing drs because of the two surgeries. However, I don't like the other two obgyns in town. To go out of town would mean at least 45 minutes each way for appts. That sucked when I was pregnant with Cate and Sara going to the peri each week.

I have wanted to discuss what happened with my ob. I don't know how to approach it. Because honestly it is impacting my trust of him. I mean I feel like if I have any tests done, I need to get a copy of it. Because what if he is not telling me something, kwim? I can get copies of tests through my pcp. I know with pregnancy, my peri wants copied on the tests and she gives me the actual numbers. So I either get it verbally from her or I take a copy from my pcp or ob.

I honestly believe the er dr covered for my ob thinking I would never find out that he missed. I mean you shouldn't tell a patient your uterus is filled with old blood, debris, and clots. When the US report said there is a 10x6 cm structure in the uterus. Big difference. Both of them should have been honest with me.

I think that is why I didn't bother calling my ob with what the specialist said. He was pissed I had gone behind his back and gotten the referral through my pcp. I refuse to deal with HIS billing clerk cause quite frankly she is a real bitch. I can't beleive she gets away with treating patients the way she does with her rude attitude. Fortunately, I don't have to deal with her very often. Maybe 4-5 times in almost 5 years. Then when he realized I was serious, he wanted to know what the specialist said? I just let him read the report which said that we discussed medical therapy (I failed it), lupron (not doing it ever), hysterectomy (She put in the report that I was unsure of ending childbearing, which is true. I want one more!), and conservative laparoscopy. I chose the lap with her promise that she would cut it all out. My ob probably died when he read I still wanted another. lol.

So I am torn. It's really easy to say dump the doc. However, they are in short supply. I don't want to travel hours to see one. Honestly, my biggest issue is telling me exactly what my reports say. I am terribly bothered he wasn't honest with me with two of the surgeries. I would like to address this with him to clear this up in the future (hopefully there will be no more surgeries except my hysterectomy when I am done with babies). How can I know he will be honest with me on anything else? I would like to get this resolved but don't know how to approach him about it. Other than that he is a good doc. How do I know I won't get the same elsewhere?

Ramblings

2009-04-07T22:37:00.002-05:00

So in a month, I go back to work fulltime. Tomorrow I have to go in to get my laptop and sign an affadavit for a contract I was involved with. Of course, I was threatened with my life to bring Cate in. I so don't wanna go back. I love being a full time mom.

I see Cate and I just can't believe she is already almost 3 months old. How the heck did that happen? I just love her so much. I love totally love all my girls. I would LOVE to have another baby even with the medical risks. Dh is on board one minute. Then the next he is like where's the dr's number for the V. I think I can get him to have another. I would have to do a lot of things first.

First, he wants a mancave in a new house. Well we are working on that. The one house we bid on was sold to a relocation company. They won't accept an offer with a contigency on it. Out that goes. Then we decided we really need something over 2000 sqft. Our house is now up on the market. Every day we are doing something to continue to ready it for sale. Our first open house is on 4/19. I bought a St. Joseph statue to bury in the yard. Hey I'll take whatever I can.

Second, we will be hiring a maid. I have a number for one. I don't want to hire them till we move.

Third, Cate has to get a bit bigger and past the new baby stage. :)

Other than that, things are good.

What I have Been Up To...

2009-03-24T22:07:00.002-05:00

Job Front - I applied for a promotion in my office. I don't know if I made the list. I should have. I don't know if the new boss will hire me for it. We'll see. In the meantime, another position, a promotion, has opened up. I am applying to do that too. I would much rather go work for the other agency than my current one. I am dreading going back to work.

Housing - We put an offer in on a house yesterday. The mortgage process is SO much easier this time now that we are not so broke. When we bought our current house, we were scraping money together for home inspections, etc. SO BROKE THEN. Now, different story. Our mortgage guy was impressed. He did our first mortgage. He was like no problemo. We bid on a 4 bedroom 2 1/2 bath cape cod. We really like it. We have decided that Cate and Sara will share the huge bedroom. Then Kirsten can choose which of the other two bedrooms she wants. Then the 3rd will be a guest bedroom (future nursery :)) and then we will have the master suite downstairs. There is a finished basement with an office and family room. Then huge first floor with a 3 season room. Can't wait to see if we get it. Latest we would move is July because we have 60 days to sell ours. So pray our house sells and we can come to an agreement on price with this house.

Medical - I did hear back from the nurse manager via a letter. She apologized and said that she had addressed my concerns and had recommendations done. The one thing that bothered me about the letter was that she apologized for "not meeting my standard of care". Hell they didn't even meet THEIR OWN standard of care. It infuriates me that they thought it was ok at the time. You have a patient having a visible allergic reaction to a med and you say so what? You have a labor nurse undermining an ob and perinatologist's diagnosis and recommendations and that is meeting my standard of care? Not too mention the same nurse flat out LIED in my records saying that when I was shivering during transition, she gave me warm blankets and turned up the heat. What actually happened was she said ugggh hormones when my dh asked why I was shivering. Then she walked out of the room. Only to have another nurse come in, check the warmer, say she was hot and turn down the heat. It made me so angry that I had meds that were ordered for me and I was told I didn't have them ordered because I didn't have stitches. ACK. Oh well. If I have another kid, I will make sure I run what my ob has ordered for me by me. I may even ask to see my chart.

One of my worse fears has come true. My endo is already back at 8 weeks pp. How the hell did that happen? I religiously took the loestrin and prometrium. Same time every day. Yet it came back immediately. Why? Well apparently, no one knew that fiorinal can cause interference with the pill. So the maximum doses of fiorinal I was taking for my headaches, basically negated any benefits that I was getting from the pill. Last week, I was doubled over with back and lower right stomach pain. I thought my kidney stone was back. So I saw my pcp. She said I could do outpatient and not get pain relief or I could go to the ER, get everything taken care of (BW, cat scan, pain relief). I chose the ER but ONLY if she called to tell them I wasn't a faker because last time for the kidney stone, I got NO pain relief because I didn't appear to be in enough pain. Anyway, she called and talked with the dr. Who happened to be the dr that first diagnosed me with endo and talked me into a lap. 3 years later she remembered me! I sent her a really nice thank you card because she believed me and convinced me to have the surgery. She still has the card. So it was hard for her to tell me it was back. The stone is gone. Which they think I passed it when I was in the ER last in November. The time I didn't appear to be in enough pain to warrant anything. ASSHOLE. Anyway, she said it was back. It was documented in my medical records. I had to see my pcp and my ob. My pcp does the pain management. She ordered oral toradol and lortab. She also got me an out of network referral to the pelvic pain clinic. I am going to get a lap done to cut it out as my ob LEFT it last time in. My specialist appt is on 4/1. Then I think I am going to have a mirena IUD put in and see if that helps. That can't be affected by oral drugs. I see my ob on Thursday. I cried after coming home from the ER because it was back so soon. The er dr said at least I could still get pregnant. They told me to get pregnant again immediately. UGGGGGGHHHHHHH. I did do a press ganey survey on that kidney stone issue and the mass in the uterus last week when I got an ER one in the mail.

Cate is beautiful. Her eyes are turning a clear blue. I may have a blue eyed child this time. She is 8lbs 10ozs. She seems to be in between Kirsten and Sara in temperament and personality. She is adorable.

What medical records can tell you....

2009-03-10T23:02:00.002-05:00

So imagine my shock and surprise when going through my medical records from the d&c for Peyton. First my shock was that my ob missed. I am not sure how I feel about that. I know that it is a known risk. I am upset that the ER dr neglected to tell me there was this huge 10x6cm mass in my uterus. I had a right to know. My ob told him no way he missed. Well if your pathology report doesn't show a 13 week baby and you don't have that you got a 13 week baby on your operative report. You missed. Which is hard because my ob took such good care of me with Cate, Sara, and regular gyn, and the d&c minus the missing.

Next, at the very end of the file. The last page was an application for fetal death certificate. WTF. Apparently there is an obscure law that isn't known that in NYS you HAVE to provide within 72 hours a certificate of fetal death. Something like this should not bring joy to me. It does. It does because it says my baby existed. My baby no longer only exists in operative and pathology reports. He no longer exists in the image burned into my brain from that last US. Here is a certificate. A certificate that I had been pregnant and my baby died.

I have also decided to make it MY mission to let every woman that has suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth in NYS know about this certificate. The women that have let know are all calling for it. I called today and the nice lady said she would mail it to me today. I have also emailed the editor of our small town paper requesting to write an editorial on misscarriage and fetal death certificates. I want it to be anonymous. I don't want the whole town to know of my loss. I do want women to know that this is out there for them. Validation.

In addition, after consulting some websites, nursing friends. I have decided to take my complaint further on what happened in the hospital. I have drafted the letter. I intend to mail it to the CEO of the hospital, DON, Director of clinical services and quality management. What happened to me was inexcusable. I pay a ton of money in health care. Dammit, I had a right to be treated with kindness and respect. If I had treated someone like that, I would be fired. I want to see it changed. It won't be changed unless you speak up. One nursing website that I went to said that you could go as far as saying it was patient abuse.

OB Nurses at my hospital

2009-03-04T00:46:00.002-05:00

SUCKED when I had Cate. Yes we had a great birth, but I never posted what happened before and after she was born! Check this out:

I told my labor nurse that I was supposed to get iv antibiotics. I was cutoff and told twice my beta strep was negative and then I was told we do not pre-treat infections around here. Sure enough I got a kidney infection right after delivery that required antibiotics to treat. I ordered my medical records. I always get a copy now after any hospital stay or procedure. Nowhere in my records is it listed that the nurse contacted Dr. X to ask about the antibiotics. I was also told when I was asking about the antibiotics, “what do you want, your epidural or antibiotics”. In fact, when I asked about the antibiotics, the nurse never said let me go check on that for you. She automatically cut me off and said we don’t pretreat infections around here.

In the past, I have had uterine infections after delivery and gyn surgery. Currently, I have a kidney stone stuck in the right ureter. The drs did not want to do surgery to remove it due to pregnancy. Two urologists that I consulted during pregnancy recommended IV antibiotics during delivery because they said I would get an infection. Dr. X when I discussed this with him said he would use iv antibiotics as well during the delivery. Somehow he forgot about that and didn’t write the order.

At one point, I was watching the monitor and told my husband that my blood pressure was still high. The nurse said “then don’t look at it” and snapped the machine off.

The labor nurse told me that she had personally reviewed my chart and labs and according to her I was not pre-eclamptic. I don’t know what labs she was looking at. However, the labs that I had – uric acid and creatine levels were high. These were not in my file. My urine protein was increasing each week. In addition, according to the peri, I had central nervous system involvement because of headaches, vision issues, nosebleeds, and brisk reflexes. The peri said cns involvement was more indicative of a seizure than protein.

The same nurse also told that I knew too much about my meds. I am not sure what the nurse meant or was implying, but I would hope that I would know what meds I am on as a patient. During the morning, she made us feel very unwelcome and uncomfortable. The only time the labor nurse was polite to us was when Dr. X was in the room and during the actual delivery.

I had an enormously difficult time in getting the fiorinal for my headaches that Dr. X ordered. It is in several places in my chart that he ordered it. Yet the nurses did not seem to want to give it to me. I took fiorinal from Jan 2nd on because of severe headaches. So this was not a new drug to me. The labor nurse tried to talk me out of the fiorinal and to take tylenol instead. That was a mistake because the fiorinal kept the headache to a pain level I could handle. Taking the Tylenol instead made it worse and took longer to control it. I had one nurse tell me that she could not believe that Dr. X would ever order it for a patient. I assured her that he had and she needed to check my chart (in fact he ordered it when I delivered my last daughter for the same reason!). I had another nurse tell me that she was uncomfortable in giving it to me because I had a codeine allergy and that fiorinal contained codeine. She is right, there is a fiorinal that does contain codeine. However, I was prescribed plain fiorinal (green and lime capsule) not fiorinal with codeine (yellow and blue capsules). I told her it was prescribed and to please bring it to me and I didn’t really care about her comfort level only mine.

Dr. X and I had discussed in the office about preventing PPD after delivery. I had it with my second daughter. I was worried about getting it again. In addition, it was the one year anniversary from when we lost a baby at 13 ½ weeks. I knew that crashing pp hormones, new baby, death anniversary was a recipe for trouble. Dr. X agreed. It was not easy for me to ask for help for this. I tend to think I can handle it all on my own. It wasn’t me who got help the last time it was my husband who sought it. I am not comfortable admitting I would need help with this. So it was a big deal for me to bring it up and discuss with Dr. X. In fact, it took me several visits to be able to get up the nerve to discuss it with him. When the nurse brought me the effexor, she told me “you know it is normal to feel this way”. I told her thank you for the medicine. She may not have thought she was saying a big thing. However, it was hard enough to ask for help. I didn’t need someone to minimize or judge what I went through with my other daughter and tell me this was normal. This was between me and my dr. We both felt that I would need something to help. What I went through with her was anything but normal. The nurse should have kept the opinion to herself.

After delivery, the night nurse that I had was helping me get up to go to the bathroom and get a shower. I remembered from when I had my other daughter that I was given a bag that had OTC meds in it and it was logged in on a sheet. I asked her for the dermoplast spray. I was told that it was not ordered as I didn’t have stitches. I had to ask for a peri bottle several times so that I could go to the bathroom and not have it burn as bad. I also asked her for motrin for cramping and was told that was not ordered either. I ended up having my husband bring me in motrin from home and taking it. I didn’t tell the nurses. Imagine my surprise when I pull my medical records and find out that not only was the dermoplast spray ordered by Dr. X, but so was motrin and lortab. It’s like the nurses never even read my records.

On Saturday night, I broke out in a rash on my arms. I showed the nurses and they immediately called Dr. X and he prescribed Benadryl. However, the Benadryl did not work. Two hours later I was covered with the rash on my face, chest, arms, and legs. When I went back to the nurses station, the nurses had changed shift. Their reaction was so what (yes I was actually told that). I had to explain to them that I had started a new med today (effexor) and that Dr. X said I was having an allergic reaction to one of its components. I had taken Benadryl and it was not working. Could they please call him and get something else ordered. They didn’t want to move and call him. After me asking several times, they finally called him and he ordered a different med and that worked to get rid of the rash.

On Sunday, my discharge paperwork was messed up. I got that straightened out. Then I realized I had never been given the paperwork to do the birth certificate. I asked and the nurse said she thought I had filled it out the day before. I told her no. No one had given me anything for it. So we ended up having to get that done quickly. I also did not have the bloodwork that was ordered to be drawn on Saturday morning done.

At one point in labor, I was shivering and dh asked what was wrong with me. The labor nurse went UGGGGH, it's just her hormones. She left the room. Another nurse came in to check and make sure the warmer was in the room. Commented it was hot. Turned down the heat. DH and I looked at each other like WTF. I told HIM to go and turn the heat back up. Yet the labor nurse documented that she gave me extra warm blankets and turned up the heat. WHAT. She did none of that!!!! I wasn't given ANY extra blankets during my stay.

I have to say that I thought the hospital stay with Kirsten was the worst ever. Hands down, my local hospital won with Cate. To think I stayed pregnant an extra 8 days just so I could deliver there. It was infuriating to read my records. Orders for meds were done and they were never given to me even when asked. That is just plain laziness. I debated about what to do. Should I complain about the care I received? Do I let it go? In the end I decided to file a complaint with the nurse manager of OB. I reasoned it by I always send thank you notes and cards when I get good care. Someone needed to know about the crappy care I got this time. There was NO excuse for it. There were only two patients on the floor on Friday, I was the only one there Saturday, and there were only two patients on Sunday. Only two rule out labor patients came in the whole weekend. There was just no excuse. The only bright spot was when I actually delivered Cate. Everything seemed to go right for that Thank God.

When I had my pp appt with my ob I said that the labor nurse sucked but he didn't comment. Course he has no recourse over the labor nurses at the hospital. I decided when I wrote the letter I did not want an apology. I wrote that I wanted to make sure it didn't happen to another mom. What if I had taken the labor nurse's advice and her saying there wasn't anything wrong with me and I just said ok, I am going home then. Cause I wanted Cate to stay in but my drs were like nope. So I wrote everything out that happened, good and bad (cause the baby nurses ROCKED), why decisions were made the way they were and what happened. I decided I pay for those services. I wouldn't treat someone like that at all!

If I ever have another baby or have gyn surgery at my hospital, I am sure they are going to be booting me out the door now that I have complained and I am sure I have royally screwed myself now. I know eventually I will be having another GYN surgery. Well dh is just about talked into Baby #4 next year. However he has some demands that have to be met first such as a new house and maid.

One year has passed

2009-02-21T19:47:00.002-05:00

One year has passed since that awful day. Funny how your life changes in a few seconds. Mine changed forever that day in the US room at my peri's office. I do have to say THANK GOD that they were observant of that. Throughout my entire pregnancy with Cate, I had a different sonographer and was in a different room. I have to say without a doubt that was the worst day of my life. The second worst day was 2/22/08 when I had the d&c. What an awful two days. I remember I kept thinking, where do I go from here. How do I go on? Even though I have a new baby now, she does not in any way replace the one we lost. I read somewhere that there are women many many years later that remember the babies they lost. 90 year old women that tear up on that day.

So what did I do today? Well I couldn't forget the day. So I spent the entire day holding Cate practically and thanking God that she was here healthy and safe. I was thankful that I had two drs that knew what they were doing and took her while I was still stable. Cate had her one month checkup this week and she is up to 6lbs 13 ozs. Her dr said those 8 extra days I kept her in and refused delivery made all the difference for her. She said she is very healthy.

Then tonight I went to the local Catholic school here in town. They have a grotto with candles and stuff. I wrote a note to Peyton saying we love and miss you baby Peyton, love Mommy and Daddy. I lit a candle for our baby on his angel day. I know that Aunt Kathy and Aunt Elaine are watching and caring for him and he is well taken care of. I still feel like someone is missing that should have been here. No I am not catholic and I hope they don't mind that I lit a candle there. It was the only place in town that I could go in anonymously and light a candle without anyone bugging me.

I have been thinking these last 5 weeks. I know it sounds crazy but I want another one. I think after the next one, I am going to have my tubes cut and burned before leaving the hospital. Cate is so easy and no problems. I sent a card saying thank you to my ob. In it I had 1 pesky kidney stone, 2 miscarriages, 14 weeks of bleeding, 19 weeks of progesterone supplementation, 20 weeks of braxton hicks contractions, and 36 weeks of bp issues. On the bottom is a pic of Cate with her stats saying thank you and to us she is priceless and worth it. Dh says I am nuts and crazy for wanting to try again. He is like NO WAY. We'll see where we are in 2 years. I hate odd numbers.... When I said this to my ob at my pp appt, he gave me a look like I was NUTSO. He didn't say it, but you could see it all over his face. He asked if my husband was twitching when I said that. I said something like that. I know he thinks I am crazy as a loon!!!My peri, she would DIE. She told me before I left that she loved me as a patient, but she didn't ever want to see me in her office again for that! It's not anything I havn't been told before though.

After my pp appt on Tuesday, I went over to the hospital to pull my records. I had a horrible labor nurse and her behavior was just inappropriate. So I have pulled my records to see what happened. I also pulled my records from that horrible day last year when I had the D&C. What is up with medical records. I always pull my records from any procedure or baby. I am anal like that. First the clerk says, you know your dr has to sign off on this (WHY THEY ARE MY RECORDS). Yes, I know. He will sign off on it. Then she looks up my records and says I have a LOT of records and it will be expensive. I don't care. I want ALL records generated. If I don't what all is in the record, I won't know what to ask for. So it is easier for me to just pull everything and pay for it. I know from Cate that my hospital record would have all of my prenatal records in it. I also wanted to see what crazy nurse wrote. I wanted to see what my ob ordered. I am wierd but I like to look at the timeline of things. From that horrible day, I want the pathology report. I also wanted to see what else was in it. So I asked for that last Tuesday. I still havn't gotten the bill in the mail yet. Hopefully next week I will get it. I'll go in and pay it really quick. In fact to save time, I am going to just go in and pay it. Cause I am wierd like that. Seriously medical records needs to stop acting like the gestapo with records. They are my records and I am entitled to a copy of EVERYTHING in that record. Yes, I will be a pain in the ass to get it too. Last time, I was pissed because I wrote everything generated and when I came to get them, all they gave me was the operative report. When I questioned them on it, they said oh we thought you would just want this. Ummm no, I wrote everything generated on it. I did not write I only wanted the operative report. So I am hoping I get everything.

Caitlyn Elyse is here at 36 weeks on 1/16/09

2009-01-25T16:51:00.001-05:00

Reposted from my loss board:

Well we are finally home and all is well with both of us thank goodness. We had the amnio on Thursday morning and I waited ALL day for the results. Finally around 2ish I called the peri's office for the results. Good thing because they forgot to call me. Her lungs were mature. So that started the races to get the other 2 girls situated. Ran around the house grabbing stuff for the girls to take to grandmas. Kirsten had her first cheerleading competition this weekend, so we were getting that stuff together (that needs a suitcase by itself). At 4:30 my ob himself called and said let's get this show on the road and told me to be at the hospital at 6:45pm. So we got the girls and loaded up the car. I was sad thinking this is it and scared to of what was to come. Dropped off the girls at grandmas. Went out to dinner and checked into the hospital. Let me tell you a regular induction kind of sucks. It's nice that you can plan. However all the monitoring. It was long and slow (which was nice too). They put me on monitors for an hour to watch her heartrate (nonreactive as usual). My ob came in and put the cervadil in. Then I had to lay there for 2 hours on monitors. Blech. They told me I couldn't move and my back was killing me. About an hour 15 minutes into it a nurse came in and told me I could lay on y side. WHAT? So I immediately flipped over and was a much happier camper. Then right at the 2 hour mark I hopped up and peed because I was dying! The nurse came in (still hooked to monitors - they did NOT come off, but they had telementry) and said if I wanted to walk around I could. I thought that sounded great. Till I went out in the hallway and some girl had her entire family and then some there. She must have had 30 people there in the area. There isn't a lot of space because L&D is under renovation. So they have L&D rooms mixed on the same hall as postpartum and triage. So I decided NOT to flash the 30 people and went back to my room. I was getting horrible headaches so I was prescribed fiorinal during my entire stay. So I got some that night. Nurses came in and checked vitals. Next morning at 8am, my labor nurse came in. She checked my cervix (now labor nurses can't do a labor check if you come in, but they can check you when you are in labor? Providers have to rule out labor). Very soft but she said it was very posterior and not favorable? My ob came in at 830am with the nurse and a whole bunch of paperwork. It was consent for cytotech. He wanted me to sign off on it and while he was in there he could pop it in. Well he checked and said OH you are 3cms. Cervix is posterior but your good. We need to move you to L&D. WHAT? At that point I said I want my epidural please. I was having NO contractions (some cramping when he first put in the cervadil), no cramping, no pain and I wanted my epidural. The way I figure it. I did that natural labor crap with Sara when my epidural did not work. I have adenomyosis and endometriosis. I have NO desire to do natural labor. My dr looked at the nurse. The nurse looked at my dr (she was into natural labor and told me I knew too much about meds, my stuff, and I worried too much. She also told me I was not preeclamptic when my ob was not around. Funny how my ob and peri diagnosed me and my admitting diagnosis was mild pe. She gave me a hard time about the fiorinal too (this changed later on). You could tell she thought my induction was not necessary.) I looked at both them and said I am 3cms. I want my epidural and I am not kidding. My ob looked at the nurse and said give it to her. The pit and epidural can fight it out. A nurse anesthesiologist came in 45 mins later. LMAO. She tried 3 times to get the epidural in. She couldn't get it in. She kept hitting to the right of my spine and I would jump from the nerve she hit. Apparently, I have a small curve to my lower spine and a bony spine. I also had swelling along my lower back? So she called the Chief of Anesthesolgist. He missed too but got it the second try. He jacked it up. Love that man. I spent the day sleeping and being irritated by the stupid catheter I had to have. That thing bugged me. This epidural was different than the one I had with Kirsten. I could NOT move my legs and my tummy was so numb. Heaven. At 1230, my ob came to check me and break my water. I was a 4. Crap 4 hours and 1 cm. I told dh ummm we were done at this point with Sara. So he broke my water. That got things moving. At 2pm, they checked me and I was completely dialated. I had dialated despite her still being very high up (they said I dialated around her). So then they said we had to wait for her to come down. Now that was a wierd thing. I felt contractions physically moving her from high up under my ribs to you know where. At 2:30 they checked again and said she was still high and call them when I had pressure. At 3, I felt pressure but not alot (that was a GOOD epidural!). My ob said we could start pushing. They were taking bets on how many pushes (Sara & Kirsten came flying out at 3 pushes each). Miss Caitie did not do that because she had been so high up. Pushing was easy. Then I remembered about the lidocaine my ob used with Sara and there was no ring of fire. I told him with Sara he had done this circular thing and said he was putting numbing medicine on and it didn't hurt when she was born. He said lidocaine and I said I don't know, but you need to be doing that again as I don't want to feel the ring of fire. He laughed and started doing it. He was doing it a little at a time. The nurse took a bottle, broke off the cap, and poured it down there and said there. My ob said umm I was trying to be dainty. I told him, no time to be dainty right now. We were talking and joking through the pushing part. My ob tried his best to get us to give her his middle name for her middle name, but I told him ummmm NO. Albert doesn't work for me. Apparently, it is a family name and he doesn't even like his middle name. The nurse and my ob were just standing around for a contraction. They didn't hurt, just a bit of pressure. I would push. My ob would hold up his thumb and index finger and say I see this much of her head. They talked about how much hair she had. He would do that size thing again (COOOOOOL). Then they said she was up to her eyebrows. Then I physically felt her head rotate (didn't hurt but was the coolest thing EVER). I said is she actually moving? My ob said no, she is rotating her head and she is supposed to do that. Then she was out. Very slow controlled delivery. No tears. No stitches. Just a little skidmark my ob said. She came out with the cord wrapped around her neck twice which he undid quick. She was also came out with her hand by her face and legs crossed. She has the scrawniest butt and legs I have ever seen and has NO fat on her whatsoever. APGAR scores were 7/9. I think they gave her oxygen by blowing it. Oh and the baby nurse, was the same baby nurse I had with Sara. In fact, she came on at 3 and said OH Sabrina is mine. I remember her and know her and did her last baby!!!!!!!! LOVED HER. She came in and we were talking (my ob is probably like how does she know all these nurses, lol). She was like I remember how sick you were last time and those headaches. I was crying for you because I felt so bad for you. You had a horrible time last time. Caitlyn was born at 3:25pm. I cut the cord. My ob asked dh too but dh told my ob that was what he got paid to do. I was like me, me, me, I wanna do it. So my ob held her up and I cut her cord. The baby nurse took her right away and told me she looked excellent for 36 weeks. They worked with her for awhile. Again, I did not get her right away.I held for about 5 mins and she was whisked off to the nursery again. Her blood sugar was low when she was born so they gave her formula right away. That was about it. I had to stay in L&D for 4 hours for my epidural to wear off. I had it through pushing and everything! Best thing EVER. Because I was at risk for PPH, they kept pushing on my stomach. OWWWW. My ob made sure the uterus was clear. OWWWWW. He told me I wasn't going to like him very much and he was right. Once I got out of L&D I got moved to my room. I took a shower right away. Then went straight to the nursery. I got my baby. They did take her for the night, but I got her for a few hours. They were very careful on both of us for hemoraging (me), prematurity (her). I was actually ready to come home yesterday. The nurse told me there is no way they would allow a barely 36 week baby to go home at 24 hours. That went for me to. They wanted me under observation. I had a LOT of trouble with the night nurses not wanting to treat my headaches even though I had orders. One said I can't believe your ob ordered that and I told her to please check my record, it's there, and I want it. I had let one go to long while in labor and spent 2 hours in pain from the headache that was excruciating. No way was that going to happen again. She finally gave it to me but not happy about it. They also gave me effexor. It was to prevent ppd. However, I broke out in a rash on my hands and arms. They called my ob and he prescribed benadryl and said it was the effexor. So I now have an allergy to it. However, 2 hours later the benadryl did not kick in and I went back. To new nurses. I told them about the rash (same ones from the night before with the fiorinal). They were like so what. I said NO you don't understand. 2 hours ago this was on my arms. It is now on my face, arms, legs, stomach, everywhere. So they called my ob again after I asked them too (was itching like crazy). He prescribed a different antihistamine that did work and hydrocortisone cream. After that it was a different attitude and the nurses were great for the night. I also had vision issues earlier in the day, however, my ob said it would get worse before it was better. It would take a few days. They wanted Caitlyn to go to the nursery again for the night but I insisted I wanted her with me. She was no trouble at all and is a mellow laidback baby. She just squeaks and doesn't cry. So the nurse agreed. She came in every 2 hours to take her vitals. Plus feedings every 3 hours meant no sleep for me. Today I was going to go home at 1 however, things happened and they forgot to do my paperwork. They never gave me the birth certificate paperwork or anything. They were like OMG we thought you did that yesterday and I said umm nope. Then a woman came in by ambulance in labor. She delivered in the ER. (She thought she was having BH. Her water broke and baby was born 45 mins later!!!!!!). So I got pushed further back. They decided since I didn't get my paperwork done that I could go home after dinner (dinner is at 5pm). They said it would be better for us anyway because she was early. So we left around 5pm. Thank God. I was so bored. PCP came by to check her out and says she looks great. She has the usual preemie issues with eating, jaundice, and temps. She eats better than the girls. Her jaundice level is steady at 7. She is maintaining her temp. I told our pcp that I very glad that I kept her in 8 days longer than the peri wanted. She said she was too. She said it made a huge difference although she probably thought I was crazy for doing it. My ob said it was a good call on my part to keep her in and made all the difference. Everyone said it was an excellent decision to go ahead and deliver her at 36 weeks with a mature amnio. I don't regret doing it that way. I actually felt for once I got a say in the decision. It was nice it was a nice slow controlled delivery and not this is an emergency right now. It's much easier to recover when you are not really really sick. I do have a complaint that they did not give me antibiotics like my ob promised me. My ob had office hours and then it was too late. The labor nurse told me my strep test was negative and they don't give antibiotics just because. However, she did not know the reasoning on why my ob and I agreed to them (previous uterine infections with EVERY delivery and surgery) and the kidney stone (Two urologists recommended at delivery because of a stuck stone). I think the baby nurse that we had and this nurse talked because after the I remember your last delivery, I had no problems getting my fiorinal and what I wanted from her. She even was the one that dumped the bottle of lidocaine on me when I was pushing. So now I am worried about a uterine infection. I "think" I may have the beginnings of one. No temp, but today there has been some stomach pain when I had none and I thought I might have smelled something this afternoon but can't be sure. So I will be on the watch for it and will call my ob if it is. My back is sore from the epidural. Of course tired. Since I am allergic to effexor, no PPD med today. I am going to the pharmacy first thing tomorrow to get it. My ob came by today and started me on my endo meds (loestrin and prometrium). He said start taking it tomorrow. I asked him when I can have a hysterectomy. He said ummmmmm, I said again, I am not kidding. He said to wait till my annual to talk about it. He said my ovarian function (which feeds endo) will be decreased 70-80% by the continuous BCP and progesterone by starting meds right away after birth (waited 6 weeks with Sara and it was too late). He wants to see how this goes first. I am pretty sure I want it out. I can't live my life with horrendous periods. If he won't do it, I will go to someone who will. I am pretty sure if I am adamant about it in several months, then he will do it. I wish I could have those easy pregnancies, but we are 3 for 3 and pregnancy is no good for me. I am getting old. I am estatic that I can bend. She was sooooooo high up for so long and you don't realize it. I don't even look pregnant anymore (just overweight). I am a bit sad to never have the BFP, pregnancy, kicks to just me by myself, etc). I think I had an excellent labor and delivery. I wouldn't change what I had. I don't think it could have gone better and was a very happy ending. I also can't go through the risks of MC, PE, and everything else again. DONE. But like I said it's bittersweet to have that stage over with. I keep focusing on I can bend, I am not puking, and we are all healthy.

What's worse, knowing what is coming or not knowing?

2009-01-10T15:20:00.002-05:00

That's the question. At least when you don't know what is coming, you can process it later. When you know and why they are doing what they are doing, that's hard. I have probably read as much as I can about pe over the last 10 years. Advised hundreds of women who were in a situation just like me to get thy butt to the hospital. I have been researching what my peri said about reflexes. This is not good. It means my central nervous system is definitely involved. Another thing that I didn't realize was the twitching of muscles lately, there is a name for it and it is called clonus. This is very very bad. My peri is right, I am very high risk for a seizure. That has been going on for about a week. I have my regular ob appt on Tuesday. I had high hopes of making it to my peri appt on Thursday. I don't think I will be making it to that appt. Not with the CNS involved.

The worst part is I know what this all means....... Mag. In fact, I don't even feel comfortable not having it now. I also never knew that reflexes were a bigger indictator of pe than protein. Hah, who knew that. I came across a journal article that said that. That is why my peri freaked on Thursday.

I think knowing what will be coming is worse. At least when you don't know you just get scared. To know, that is different.

And PE Hits Again.....

2009-01-10T11:15:00.002-05:00

How can someone be so unlucky to have it not once, not twice, but three times? I "almost" got delivered Thursday but talked my peri out of it. She was not happy. She wanted to take the baby if her lungs were mature. I have had a headache since 1/2. I started having blurry vision, stars, and black squigglies in my vision then too. Bps are up and down. Not too awful yet. Protein was 168 two weeks ago (just did another 24 hour catch that was turned in today). However, bp was high in peri's office 134/91. My reflexes were very brisk. I should have noticed that one. I noticed my reflexes being jumpy about a week ago. Because of everything she said I am mildly preeclamptic. She said I was very high risk for a seizure. She made me promise to call my ob if ANYTHING changed. Basically take care of baby stuff this weekend and come with a bag. If I make it past my ob appt on Tuesday (which she seemed doubtful on), then my appt with her will most likely be converted to an amnio. Fabulous. I'm hoping to make it to my appt with her.

Dh is driving me crazy with calling all the time to see if I am ok. He even offered his mother to babysit me to make sure I didn't have a seizure. Uh no thanks. Even the threat of seizures will not let me stay with her. I went to turn in my urine this morning and there was a code blue in the lab. So I got delayed because breathing takes precedence over blood and urine. He got mad because I didn't have my cell on. What if you had a seizure? I assure you I would probably be not the person calling. Then in the next breath, he says he'll be glad when I am delivered. Not because of the health risks involved. So I can stop making excuses being on bedrest. Whatever. I want to smack him right now. He can't have his cake and eat it too. As for me, I am just hanging out waiting to my Tuesday appt. My peri said that my ob and I will be talking at that appt. I just wanted a couple more days for her. I wanted to get to 35 weeks and I did that. So I am ok (well I am not but do I have a choice?) with delivering now. This way I can stay in my hospital with my drs. Since I have central nervous system involvement with the brisk reflexes, I most assuredly will be magged. My favorite drug.

Well that's my update. 35 weeks. Getting ready to deliver another preemie again.

33 weeks! HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-01-01T08:14:00.002-05:00

Yes Happy New Year!!!

This week has been hard emotionally because it hit me all of a sudden that OMG I could be having a baby in 2 weeks. So far things are stable. My peri even said something about using her new US machines on me after they are installed on the 12th. Which makes me think she thinks I may get further this time. I have been sad that this will be our last baby. It makes me sad that I really don't get to make that decision. For my health, it would be wise to go ahead with the hysterectomy probably in a year. I am terrified of what the future will bring. I do know the obsessive worrying of HCG numbers, progesterone levels, MC, bp issues, PE are things I don't want to worry about ever again. To think I would actually get to use my leave for actual vacations instead of bedrest/maternity leave is quite exciting. I am never able to build my leave because for 10 years, we have been having babies. We can actually go on long vacations now!

I do want to keep her in as long as possible. I am daresaying dreaming of 38 weeks. I think I am ok with 38 weeks. I want her to come on 2/1 just so she can say superbowl baby and to also have a baby in the same month as my due date. Not sure what my drs are planning. I think they are planning to cut it out at 37 weeks.

I am terribly worried about after delivery and the endometriosis. I plan to discuss that with my ob in the next week. I hope to start the BCP regimen as soon as I can. I worry it will screw up my system. We can not let any of the lesions get active. Since we know it is there. We need to suppress it till I can have a hysterectomy. It does make me sad to do something permanent. I can NOT go through endo like I have the last couple of years.

So I had my ob and peri appts this week. Baby's HB looked good. I got a birth plan to fill out. The last time I did a birth plan, I was scared to fill it out with MY wishes because I thought I would be on mag and unable to do all the things I wanted. This time, I filled it out with everything I wanted. I figure they will tell me if I can't do something. I even asked to cut the umbilical cord since dh refuses to do that because he is so sqeamish. I asked to touch her hair as she is crowning - peri and sono tech tell me she has TONS of hair (how exciting the girls were bald). I asked to get her right away and for the first 4 hours. Depending on when she is born, I may not get her for 4 hours. I desparately want to get to 37 weeks + this time.

Anyway, everything looked good at both. My ob and I discussed preventing PPD next time. I wanted to start something now to prevent it. He recommended starting something the day of delivery. He recommends Effexor. I have read it works super fast but is hard to get off of. So I am going to ask him about that at my next appt. I also want to go over preventing infection and post partum hemmorage. I want antibiotics at delivery to prevent infection that I am sure to get. 2 out of 2 for deliveries I had a uterine infection. The only time I didn't get an infection with the laps was when I had antibiotics. I am terrified of hemmoraging again. I will never forget the gushing and lifting up the sheets and seeing ALL that blood. I was totally freaked. Dh was totally freaked. The nurses were cool as cucumbers. I got cleaned up quick and was given extra fluids and pit. Of course I am worried about pe. He told me he would not use mag unless he had to, meaning spilling lots of protein, symptoms, high bp. That still makes me nervous as this pregnancy is following scarily the way Kirsten did. It hit all of a sudden with her. I did not feel good having 168 in my urine catch. It was actually probably higher than that though as I cheated and did not want to have to redo the catch. I missed two early morning urine catches as Sara decided to stay up all night and in my tiredness forgot to use a hat.

My ob said he'll run another one in a couple of weeks unless I become symptomatic. Then one gets run asap. I'm still on bedrest which sucks. I have been trying to follow it. There is so much to do. I am waiting for my bp to take off. I have noticed it is fluctuating. Not good.

Right now I am pretty comfortable and wanting to keep her in forever. Ask me how I feel in a couple of weeks. Baby's estimated weight is 5lbs.

32 weeks!

2008-12-21T13:46:00.002-05:00

Yes, hit another milestone and baby is doing well. She has flunked every NST at the Peri's office. However, has passed the BPP with flying colors. Friday night we got slammed by that awful snow storm. Dh and I had an argument about the driveway being blown out. The car (Ford Explorer in 4 wheel drive) got stuck in the snow. SO I got mad and went and bought a new snowblower since I hated the other one so much. Only to fall in the snow 4 times trying to get through the driveway. Which earned me a trip to L&D for monitoring by my ob. Which then turned into the nurse giving me the riot act for being out on bedrest. Yeah, my ob forgot when he was talking to me on the phone. He sure as heck remembered by the time the nurse gave him test results. I was told that he said that I was NOT to be out of bed. That I was to go home, go to bed and put feet up. I was not allowed to get out except to pee. The nurse said and you KNOW you were supposed to be on bedrest. YIKES. Totall freaking busted. Which will make for an interesting situation when it turns January and dh goes back to work. Who will pick up the girls from school and daycare when he works late. So I think I may be seeing if the inlaws can pick Sara up from daycare for the the last few weeks.

Right now dh is pressuring me in attending his mother's Christmas Eve party. I told him there is never any place to sit. The only way I could go was if I went and sat in a recliner with my feet up. I don't want to intrude and put people out. My inlaws really really like their recliners. Not to mention if I got up to pee, someone would be inconsiderate and take it. Then mil would also give me grief over me playing it up. I think my ob is pretty clear on what I am supposed to do with the above instructions. I hate missing everything. Dh is being much better about the bedrest thing now. He sends me back to bed if I try to do anything. He has taken the downstairs apart and cleaned it. :). He told me if I went (for him), that I would not have to get up and that he would wait on me hand and foot (ok who stole my dh?). So trying to decide on what to do.

Miss Catie weighs 4lbs, 6ozs and is measuring right on!

So I have decided I am a freak.

2008-12-07T00:55:00.002-05:00

Everytime I have an US, I hold my breath. Why? Because the things I took for granted before, I don't anymore. I don't think about WHEN I will bring a baby home but IF. I have literally lost count of how many USs I have had. Well over 10 by this point. When that wand is put on, the first thing I look for is movement and a heartbeat. Movement means there is still a heartbeat.

An odd thing happened on Friday that has bugged me ever since. The tech asked me if I wanted pictures. I said why? Why wouldn't a new mom want pictures of her baby? The tech said that some people that come in all the time (like me) get tired of it and say they have enough. All I could think was what if it was the last time I saw my baby alive. I guess it comes from having our loss at 13 weeks and getting no pictures even though we had three USs with him. I told her absolutely. Everytime, I want pictures. She said ok then.

I totally get paranoid to. Apparently, Miss Catie likes to practice her breathing alot. Which makes it very difficult for the tech to count her heartrate. It interferes or something. So the last three weeks, they have magnified her heart on the screen several times, zeroed in on it, etc. This time, I asked is there something wrong with her heart? The tech said no. She was just trying to get a heartrate and she was making it impossible with all of her breathing. She said she is excellent excellent excellent on US. You can't help that your heart just stops for a minute.

I still can't comprehend that we will be bringing a baby home next month. Nothing is ready. Yes, everything is bought. I just havn't had the heart to pack a hospital bag (though I should be bringing one to every appt just in case). Her dresser is not together. None of the clothes are washed. We have a tub of newborn clothes, but none of those are washed. The crib is up, but needs to be tightened and have the mattress raised. Her decorations are not up. The pack and play is not up and put together. Nothing is done. We have everything bought though.

Sometimes I think, we should have had a baby home already this Christmas. I should be preparing to go back to work after the new year, not going out of work. There is a lot of should haves. I often wonder why me? Why us? Why let us have him for so long only to snatch him away. I sometimes thought it was a blessing that we lost him at the brink of when we would have had to deliver. Then I think we lost so much more never seeing his face, hands, or anything. How could I have just agreed to the D&C like that knowing what would happen. I often think how Catie would not be coming if we hadn't of lost Peyton. It's funny. Sara said something the other day that totally freaked me out. She was talking about the new baby (Catie). She mentioned our other baby. She said specifically, the boy. We never found out his sex. We just felt like he was a boy and assumed it. Dh and I have never spoken about it outloud. Sara mentioned both babies. The one that we lost. She said that one was a boy. The one that didn't come home mommy. Now you have a girl. The new baby is a girl. We have never told her the sex of this baby. It's a surprise for our family and friends. She was absolutely sure. It totally gave me the chills. It totally gave dh the chills when I told him about it. I often think that people think we should forget about Peyton. How could we forget about him. For 13 weeks, he was alive, with a heartbeat, with a body and arms and legs and a face that we saw on US. Just because he never made it here, doesn't make it any less.

I have been debating on when to start on an antidepressant to ward off ppd. I think I am going to just tell my ob to prescribe something. I don't want to feel overwhelming sadness when Catie gets here. It's the holidays. I'm on bedrest. Well, I think it something that needs to be done. I hope he doesn't want to "talk" about it. I would rather not discuss it, but just let's just say, I need to be on something soon. I would rather he just go ahead and prescribe it and we'll be ok. I think if I tell him to prescribe it, he probably would. Just not Zoloft. UGGGH, that stuff makes you feel dead inside. You feel nothing on it. I have heard of similar experiences from other people.

So I must be the only one that freaks at an US if most parents don't want pictures of their new kids. That must make me the wierd one cause I want everything I can get.

30 Week Peri Appt

2008-12-05T21:57:00.002-05:00

OMG am I really that far along? Ok I look it now totally. I can't believe how fast the time has flown. So for today's update. Had my 30 week peri appt. Did the us, bpp, nst, doppler blood flow study. Peri saw my bps and says they are bouncing. She agreed I needed to be taken off at work because I only get decent bps while laying down. Miss Catie (oh did I ever say we chose a name - Caitlyn Elise, Catie for short) does not like NST at all! She wouldn't stay on the monitor. She flunked. She aced the US. Maybe she is just a laid back baby or an athlete. I need a laidback kid. My other two are high strung. One very active preschooler and one over dramatic preteen. She was moving everywhere, fluid was good, good tone. So she passed the BPP. The nurse said they expect her to pass them in 2 weeks. So Catie, you have your marching orders.

They wanted to know if my ob was seeing me weekly yet to keep an eye on my bps. I said no. They asked me when I said I don't know. They see me weekly at the peri, but I guess they think he should too. I also am supposed to ask him if he wants an amnio done at 37 weeks. WHAT. No one said anything about that to me. I said probably not as a) I have never gotten that far b) he found it unnecessary because they needed to deliver now.

Oh and I gained 5 more lbs. Someone please explain how the baby gained 10 ozs and I gained 5lbs? The nurse said swelling. Blech.

Just when I thought she actually cares.... Hah, joke is on me.

2008-12-04T00:23:00.002-05:00

Yep good ole mil. So I am on rest because of PTL and bp issues. Of course my mil finds a way to sucker me in. I have thought often about whether I wanted anyone to see me on mag. Trust me, not a very pretty sight. Imagine michelin man, covered in bruises, and hooked up to mag. ICK.

Well apparently, dh is doing too much, our house is a mess, and I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe I should just drag her ass to a peri appt where I am made to lay on my left side as soon as I get there for 20 mins so they can check my bp. Then go through all of the testing. Apparently, I LIKE this. I like getting poked and prodded in places I didn't even know existed. Apparently, I like having contractions that hurt like hell when I have been on my feet too long. I like worrying myself about whether this baby is growing. Will she make it to 35 weeks. Will we have a baby in the NICU? I have decided she is a pretty sick woman.

Since it is December, she is expecting me to do all of the family duties. Attend Christmas eve party, play, Christmas night party, breakfast with Santa etc.

You know what mil? SCREW YOU. I thought that you ACTUALLY cared. Silly me for getting suckered into that again. Go ahead and just keep dramatizing yourself to the point of being embarassed. She only uses it when it works for her, then the rest of the time I am being overdramatic. Sick sick sick sick sick.

What on earth was I thinking?

2008-11-30T15:20:00.002-05:00

What on earth was I thinking that bedrest could be a vacation. Yeah it sounded good for about a week. Now I am sick of it. There is NOTHING on tv to watch. Hardly anything to watch on Netflix because I have already rented everything that is new and watched it. Note - if your dh says that this is a great movie, ignore him. His suggestions have been stupid movies. Tropic Thunder should be up for millions of razzies as should be Happenings. I have watched how to rehab a cruise ship in a week. That was actually interesting. Tornado chasers =very stupid people who have a death wish. Jim Jones masacre. Hmmmm, happened before I was even born. Interesting. Hulk Hogan's E story. My days and nights are all mixed up. I stay up at night and sleep during the day.

So I had my ob and peri appt this past week. I see the peri every week now. Still on a every 2 weeks with my ob. Last week I was desparately ill with some wierd funky stomach flu virus that lasted a week. I was the ONLY one to get it in my family. Constant puking even sips of water. After 3 hours of this, I called my ob because I had to keep fluids down because of the stone and BH contractions. Well the nurse was giving me a hard time. For the first time ever, I really put it to my ob because I got pissed. When I first called, she said he was at the hospital and would talk to him when he came back. He comes back and orders Reglan. HELLO, I was already doing that (doubled the dose actually) and I couldn't even keep down water. So she goes and talks to him again and I request zofran. She comes back and says he will only order reglan as everything else was constrained in pregnancy. REALLY, this is news to me. I explain to her every which way that I am already doing that. In retrospect, I should have just sucked it up and gone to the ER instead of dealing with it. Anyway, she talks to him again. He says not much more to do. Drink fluids (which I couldn't keep down) and take reglan. Then she offers me a suppository. Fine and throw in a urine culture in it. Had to fight to get a urine culture. Can someone explain to me how zofran was now constrained?

Thought maybe it might be a kidney infection. So go do the urine culture. No rx at the lab. Lab calls her and she had faxed to the wrong lab. Have it now faxed to the right lab. Not sure how that happened as there are only TWO labs in town. One being the hospital. Go to the pharmacy. They know me there from when I was pregnant with Sara and on so much zofran. I must have looked bad. They had me sit down and told me if I had to puke, let them know. No rx for the suppository. The pharmacy calls the dr's office and she tells them I refused all meds. WTF. All meds? No, I refused reglan which was what I was already taking and was not working. So she gets my ob to give me the rx for compazine. Fastest rx ever filled.

Go home and take it. Finally after puking from 530am on, I stopped at 3pm. I still stayed sick from Thursday to Wednesday of the next week. Had an ob appt and the same nurse that I was on the phone with said I looked awful. Really, only been puking and nauseated for days now. She said my color looked off and really bad. Ugh. See my ob. He is not happy and I am not happy. So I ask him how come it was ok for THIS office to order 40 zofran a month when I was pregnant with Sara but now I can't take it? Also had it by iv several times this pregnancy with kidney infections. He squirmed for a bit. Then he said he that it needed preauthorization. Umm wrong again. I am allowed 10 zofran a month without authorization. Frankly, I would have paid out of pocket for the generic one. Which I found out was CHEAPER than compazine. He said with Sara he remembered it was a pain to get insurance authorization for it. Yeah but you have my records and it should be easy to copy the same thing for it. So we agreed he would start the authorization process for me. :)

He told me he really thought this was a virus and that I needed to push as many fluids as possible. I asked to get an iv so I could get the fluids. Again pesky insurance. He said insurance wouldn't pay for it as my labs from FIVE days before were ok. I think since it was Tuesday, he just wanted to be able to go home early. He did write another order and rxs for compazine and reglan. He gave advice on what to advoid to quit throwing up. He was right, it was a nasty virus. It was still miserable just the same.

As far as my peri appt, baby girls is in the 67th percentile for growth. She is huge!!! He tells me she is not huge, but good sized which is good. To me, she is huge and I am glad! They did a transvaginal US at the peri's because of all my contractions. I am not sure what is going on. When she measured my cervix, the tech acted all concerned. She wouldn't tell me anything. She said I would have to talk with my peri. Usually, they are happy to tell me everything is great. She didn't do that. The tech was also pissed I hadn't been checked yet. Apparently, nurses at my hospital are no longer allowed to do that anymore. My peri just said everything was ok for now. They didn't know what I started out with, so they were not sure. I remember the measurement as 2.04cms for the cervix. Well I went and looked that up and it shouldn't be less than 2.5cms! She did say I am on rest. I was not to be on my feet. She explained what that meant to dh. She gave us some ideas to help out at home. They told me to watch especially for extra discharge, extra mucous, any leaking or anything and it needs to be reported asap. So I guess I have some cervical changes going on. I plan to find out more on Friday when I go back. I mentioned the TV US to my ob. He asked what my peri said about it. I told him she said it was ok for now. He seemed to know I had a TV US done (maybe it was in the report). He said ok kind of relieved like. That was it. See ya in 2 weeks.

So the next day another peri appt for a NST. Baby was non reactive on the NST although she was moving tons. The nurse said that happens at this age. 50% are non reactive and that I will be scanned every week. Umm ok. From what I read, non reactive NST are 50% up to 28 weeks. Then 28-32 weeks, 15% are non reactive. After 32 weeks, it is delivery time for a non reactive NST. Fabulous. So I had a BPP done. She scored 8/10. She lost 2 points because of the NST. See ya in a week.

So next peri appt is next Friday and it will be a long appt because I have all the stuff done at this one. I have decided when I see my ob on the 9th that I am asking him to take me out of work completely. I am very fortunate and grateful to be able to work from home the last 2 months. However, it is getting harder to control my bp and I have to lay on my left side to do it. I also have a lot of swelling going on. Still have some nausea. TONS of heartburn. Besides I have decided I am about sick of new boss.

I have been relegated to intern status. I am used to running my own projects. I have him interfering on every single project, micromanaging every single thing I do. He is inexperienced and does not know what he is doing. We have an entire office full of people and from what I understand, they are all sitting on their asses sleeping because he does not have enough experience to train them. He seriously has a GS 5 admin tech training people many grades above her. On what I have no idea. He thinks I am going to start all these contracts in the next couple of weeks for them to follow. I did feel sorry for him at first. When he continually asks my advice and then says that's nice and does something opposite. Well figure it out. I heard that one of my coworkers that is at another agency is trying to get a job in Maine and has interviewed for it. If she gets it, I am applying for her job. There is nothing keeping me here now. My new boss asked if I were coming back. Umm for now. Are you actively seeking a job (for me to know and for him not to find out), no. If I happen to see something, I will not let it pass me by. Guess that is honest enough. Things have just swung too far in the other direction. I have a real problem when I see something that is not correct, standing by and watching it happen. I think it is time to part ways. I won't do it till I have another job lined up. I also told new boss, I will not be back till the middle of May. Good thing the union allows us to stay out for a year! I guess in some ways, God works in mysterious ways. So I am thinking I am going out on 12 December. I will not be available by phone or email.

So I snuck out Thanksgiving day and went to Kmart. What joy it was to go to a store!!! I knew that I could get in and out. We wanted a WII. I got it with several board games, wii games, ect. I was home in an hour. I paid for it with contractions for the rest of the day!!! BAD GIRL. I have been good since then.

Oh and why is my peri's new office located right next to a MALL. So not fair.

I stayed up on Thanksgiving night. I ordered a new nintendo ds with games for me and dh to share. HOORAY. Got it on Amazon with free shipping. Amazon rocked it this year. I also have a bike/jogging stroller coming for 50% off and free shipping and bunches of other things.

DH has now taken over most things. He goes grocery shopping with lists that I make. This time only one call. He buys the girls shoes. He is helping with Kirsten's school projects. He is being Mr. Mom. All he wants is a thank you once in a while.

So that's my update. On rest as much as possible and completely off my feet for now for bp issues and preterm labor. Pray she stays in for another 7 weeks please till 36 weeks. Can't deliver at my hospital unless she is 35 weeks.

26 Week 6 Day OB Appt

2008-11-17T19:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, I am so miserable from the heartburn and rib pain. My poor ob, he just heard me whine about how miserable I am. My bps suck. I am hitting 90s/100 on the bottom. However, he wants me to watch it for another week and call if they don't drop. He'll add in procardia, which neither of us wants. Although procardia will help with the BH. He gave me scripts for heartburn medicine and for the rib pain (Tylenol 3). He didn't have the Er report. So he had a nurse pulling it because he wanted to review my labs and US. He asked what they checked for. I told him blood clots in the lung, gallbladder, and liver. I told him they gave me nothing but a discharge for 650mg of Tylenol. I told him I had taken the leftover Tylenol 3 for the rib pain Saturday night and last night. Tylenol in between. He said that was ok. He said probably gave you some sleep. As for the BH, he is a little worried about those. I didn't get checked (I didn't want to anyway, hate getting naked). He just looked at my log. I am to call if they are in a pattern (which they went into this week) and then if they last longer than 2 hours. If they last longer than 2 hours, then I need to get checked. Drink lots of water and rest rest rest rest rest. I am not on strict bedrest, but he wants me resting as much as possible for bp and the bh. I was telling you know I don't know too much about these, I was induced both times. I don't know what to do with these. Sometimes these stop me in my tracks. This is miserable. He agreed they are miserable. I am to call if they change, get closer together, are in a pattern or last longer than 2 hours. ugggh, I had them off and on all day yesterday. With her being breech, he said we don't really worry about that till 34 weeks. I told him I was convinced that she is staying that way. SHE NEVER MOVES OUT OF MY RIBS. Told him she freaked out the US Tech because her head was by my gallbladder. He said most of them do go head down by 34 weeks. I start my weekly peri appts next week and he was like oh good. Oh and then he asked me about the GTT. I said oh no, you had me do a 3 hour which I was NOT happy about it. I am NOT doing that again. He checked he said that was just 2 weeks ago. He said I did beautifully for it. I asked him if I had to do that again. He said nope. Once you pass it, you pass it. So I was supposed to go back in 2 weeks, however, the office is closed on Thursday (Thanksgiving) and Friday. I guess he is not seeing patients and taking a vacation on the Tuesday before because the receptionist said that he wasn't in that day (the other day he is in the office). So I see him next on 12/2 at 29 1/2 weeks. I guess that works because I see the peri on Fridays and my ob on Tuesdays now. He hadn't checked my report yet when he wrote out the rxs. So he is going to have a look at it later and if he thinks something is off, he will call. I'm bummed about being on even more rest. That just sucks. Dh isn't being very helpful lately as he thinks I am being lazy and says it must be nice.

Ong Rant about DH

2008-11-13T07:52:00.003-05:00

So feel free to skip it. Don't get me wrong, I love my dh. He is a great father. However, I can't stand him lately. I feel under appreciated. Quite frankly I am SICK TO DEATH OF IT. I bust my tail to keep the house clean, only for it to get destroyed by the kids and more from HIM. This week has been awful. I have had contractions off and on. My ribs have been killing me. I feel he is unsupportive and a complete asshole right now. Everything with him is always rush, rush, rush. It's not my fault. It doesn't help that he has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder that needs to be medicated. There is nothing wrong with anxiety. In fact, I am about ready to ask my ob for meds myself. I feel like I have a 3rd kid around here. So what has been going on?

1) He has a sailor's mouth and a drill sergeant's bite. Everything that comes out of his mouth is a curse word. Which our lovely 3 year old daughter has so lovingly picked up. FABULOUS. I am not innocent in this either. However, I TRY really hard not to. EVERYTHING is done in Mr. Drill Sergeant's voice. These are little kids. You screaming at them for doing a kid thing or not moving fast enough or not whatever scares the living beejees out of them. I don't like hearing it, so why would they. They are small. You are big. Get it? This morning, I can hear him clearly yelling at Kirsten at 7:50am that she was to go get her coat. Not hey go get your coat. YELLING IT. When Kirsten came inside (because now I am contracting AGAIN), I told her to tell her dad to please stop yelling the neighborhood can hear him. He comes in yelling at me and says he was not yelling. I said yes you were I could hear every word you said clearly. If I can hear it, so can the neighbors. No wonder our one neighbor moved. He asked me what he said. I repeated it verbatim. He didn't say anything. Then he said we needed to talk tonight. Um no, you just need to STOP. It's easy. He has a xanax rx but has NOT been taking it.

2) I am sick of him saying it must be nice to be on the couch. Yeah. I am vegetating on the couch to keep this baby in for another 9 weeks. Sorry it's an inconvenience to you. It would be better than not being admitted to the hospital for the duration. Which would you prefer?

3) Sewer line. I have no idea why my dh requires massive amounts of toilet paper to wipe his butt. He will seriously go through an entire double roll of Charmin in ONE FREAKING TRIP. I keep wet toilet wipes in the bathroom for that oh so nice clean feeling. Yet he uses an entire roll. Tuesday, I noticed our washer was backing up. It empties into the laundry sink which empties into the sewer line. Hmmmm. We have ONE bathroom (Our next house WILL have 2 1/2 or more). Dh just came back from tdy again. I am sure he has CLOGGED the line again with his excessive toilet paper useage again. This time it is in the line. There is a small root at the city line that needs to be fixed. It is on city property. It is not on mine. However, they refuse to fix it. I refuse to dig up lines and spend 2k. So the solution is to dump root killer in once a month. No problems for several years till I got lazy last winter and didn't do it. Then after we lost the baby, the sewer backed up too. So fil and I track down to the local rental place and get a sewer snake. It costs $35 to rent. It is very heavy and dirty work. DH has NEVER EVER snaked the sewer. Nor has he cleaned the mess up. So we snaked it. Fil helped me clean up. Line fixed. Till last week. Again, lazy over the summer combined with being home all the time and not using the root killer. Made up for a slow line on Monday. I immediately dumped root killer in and did not use the water for 5 hours. Lines were running great by nighttime. Then this morning I awaken to him plunging the lines AGAIN. Except he does not know what he is doing and does a half assed job in doing it. My toilet is all scratched up from the snake because he doesn't know what he is doing. He comes in the bedroom and tells me my bathroom is unusable and he will take the kids to his parents. WTF AGAIN. This happens about once a week where I have to get involved. He plunges the toilet EVERY SINGLE DAY. Get a freaking clue. USE LESS TOILET PAPER. Of course I am pissed now. As usual I have to take care of it. Go in the bathroom and he has made a mess. Toilet water EVERYWHERE. Bowl scratched even more and overflowing. I grab the toilet snake and have it cleared in 15 mins. He needs to learn that in order to use a snake that you have to work it and rotate it to clear a clog and punch through it. Then you have to flush it enough to flush the clog through. I was also treated to him cussing me out and calling ME nasty names because I had to fix it. Which really has me pissed off because I have about had it. The clearing of the toilet has now sent me back into contractions and I am sure my bp is through the roof now. Which is NOT good because I have an ob appt at 10. I have a feeling I am going to be sent to the hospital for a NST and possibly admission if it doesn't come down. When I tried to express to him when I was done that THANK YOU was an appropriate response. He decided to be an ass and be all patronizing. We should worship the ground you walk on. I think part of this is I grew up in a house where we didn't have money and had to make do. If we didn't fix it, it didn't get fixed. I can fix a toilet. I can replace a toilet. I can unfreeze pipes and know how to fix one when it breaks. His dad took care of everything. Clogs the toilet, dad is there to fix it. You know what, for once, I would like to have someone take care of me!

Then he had the audacity to sit there and tell me this morning that I had not cleaned house. Yeah you are right. Because yesterday I made cupcakes for my family to enjoy. It was too much. Oh wait, just because I am not home doesn't mean I don' t have a job to do. Because I do work even though it is from home. You forget that I ran to the bank, mailed out bills, paid bills, took Kirsten to dance, picked Sara up from daycare, made dinner, got the girls ready to eat, cleaned off the island where they ate, took the trash bag out of the trashcan and tied it off, gave Sara a bath and meds, checked Kirsten's temp and gave her meds, mediated fights, and other things that I have forgotten about. I did absolutely nothing yesterday. This isn't a 10th of what I do in a day. Then he said maybe I should leave. You know what, pack your ass up and go to your momma. I really don't care right now. My life will be much easier.

He is bent out of shape because some of the stuff that I take care of he had to do this weekend. Kirsten's girl scout cookies came in. So I spent Monday night sorting through them all, putting each set in a separate bag with a sticky note that had name, what they ordered, what they owed, and how many boxes. Why did I do that? Because I knew he couldn't handle reading an order form and giving them the right boxes. Again rush rush rush, do it halfassed and it is wrong. Sorry, I can't walk around and do that right now. You need to spend some time with your daughter to do this. I asked him to help me go to BJ's for more tp (surprise) and some other things. He decided that now all of a sudden it was imperative to clean my car out. He would not get off of it. He doesn't drive my car (at least now anyway) because a NORMAL person would move a POWER seat back when getting into it. Not my dh. He gets in stretches his legs, leans back as hard as he can and broke my seat. I am 5'5. He is 6'4. So it is quite a gap. I can fix my seat. I just have to superglue the knob that holds the seat together back on and super glue the lever. I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom on Friday night. I did not do the floor. It was too much. I asked him if he could please mop the floor. It is still not done. I asked him several weeks ago to please clean the toilet. He goes and it goes EVERYWHERE and I am not his momma. It sat for three weeks till I got so disgusted I cleaned it. Only to have him mess it up within 2 hours. he got mad and said it wasn't him but the girls. Umm sorry but we don't have aimers. The bathroom stayed SPOTLESS for 6 weeks while you were gone this summer.

Oh and his mother expects me to go testify in her deposition. I have nothing to say. I never talked with anyone but dh. I have to take an entire morning off to deal with this. Wonder if I can get a medical excuse and get out of it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dh. He just needs to chill and HELP.

RIBS

2008-11-12T22:33:00.001-05:00

My right ribs hurts so bad that I am in tears right now. This baby needs to turn NOW!!!

Miserable

2008-11-12T19:26:00.003-05:00

No one told me that breech babies make you miserable. Especially when they are so high up. Don't get me wrong, I am estatic to still be pregnant. I have been pretty miserable this last week. Contractions that last an hour to 2 hours that are patterned now and HURT. A baby stuck so high up in my ribs with her head that she is compressing them. I was cleaning out my car today of trash and came across my discharge instructions. I have no idea wtf this dr's problem was. Meds - 650mg of Tylenol every 4-6 hours. See I left so mad on Saturday that I didn't even bother to read the paperwork. WTF. Was he serious? Did he not see I was already taking 1000mg of Tylenol every 4 hours ALREADY. Umm, yeah that didn't help. So why would almost HALF the dose work. I am still pissed about that. Return if you have nausea (check), vomiting (check), worse pain (check), and several other things that I was already in there and he did nothing for. I don't usually dog out ER doctors, I am still pretty pissed about Saturday. How about we send him in excruciating pain and jab him with a wand and then tell him that geez, I don't know why that hurt.

It is much better today. I still have intense pain at times in my right ribs. Very scary for this previous PE/HELLP patient. The contractions are sucking big time. I have an ob appt tomorrow so I will find out more then. Why didn't I call the office today? My ob is off on Wednesdays and I was afraid that the midwives would send me to the ER first and then on to L&D for evaluation. Quite frankly, I have had it with the ER. I keep having the words of the urologist in my head. You can go 100 times and it be nothing, if it is the ONE time that it is something, you need to be evaluated. I wish there was an easier way and I am tempted to tell them to take that stupid stone out. Of course, the urologist was right because every time except this last was something that needed to be dealt with urgently.

Adam lived without a rib....

2008-11-10T00:20:00.002-05:00

Ok, so if Adam could live without a rib to make Eve, I think I can totally give up mine. I am ready to cut my rib out on my right side. Found some relief in the wierdest way on the staircase. No not some wierd thing. I picked up something on the staircase going upstairs. Ours is you go to the first landing (about 12 steps), then their is a step up to a second landing and turn. Then there are about 6 steps up to the second floor. Well it was on this second set of stairs that I tried to pick something up. I had one hand at the top (second floor) while I was on the landing. It was like wow pressure and pain offf. HOORAY. I obviously can't stand on the landing of my stairs all day and night though. It helped. Put both hands at the top, stand on the landing, and stretch a bit.

I have been thinking about how I would feel about a csection if this one doesn't turn. I know they can. Ummm, time is starting to run out here. I am 26 1/2 weeks. Every single US has had her breech.

So back to Adam could live without a rib. So if Adam can live without a rib, can we just go ahead and take out 2-3 of mine? Surgery would be a couple weeks recovery versus 9-14 weeks of pregnancy left.

For Scumsucking Drug Seekers

2008-11-08T21:56:00.002-05:00

Let me tell you how much I hate you. You make it very difficult for someone that has a really painful condition to get pain relief in the ER when you go in with your fake symptoms. So what set me off this time. As everyone knows I am very high risk for preeclampsia. Actually, at this point I am diagnosed with PIH.

Yesterday, I started having terrible pain under my right rib. Seeing I have had pe before, I called my ob at 10pm. He thought it might be my gallbladder, but it wasn't tied to eating. In fact, I had barely anything to eat yesterday because I felt like crap. I was worried about my liver. However, my bp while up was not crazy high. My urine dip was negative last night and trace protein today. He told me to take some tylenol, pepcid, and use a heating pad and get some sleep. See if that would help. Call back if it is worse. This afternoon, after I couldn't take it anymore and after dh told me to call or he will, I called. My ob said I needed to get checked out in the ER and have some labs run and an US done.

My pain was an easy 8 out of 10. Worse than when I had a kidney stone. Worse than having a baby. They asked me if I wanted pain relief. HELL YES. They offered tylenol and zofran. Except one thing. I had tylenol at 12 therefore could not have more tylenol. I remember thinking in that haze of pain today, they can't be seriously offering me tylenol. The dr pressed under my rib. I had tears because it hurt so bad. When I went to have the US. OMG, that was excruciating. It was so bad that I was crying during it and the tech kept saying how sorry she was. I did NOT cry when I had a kidney stone. I did NOT cry when I had a kidney infection. I have NOT cried when in labor with EITHER of my girls. Now, Kirsten, I had an epidural at the beginning because my bp was so high. With Sara, my epidural did not work. I got it too late because I went too fast. I did not cry with either. I didn't cry when I tore all the cartlige in my knee. This, this hurt.

I have NO idea why I was not given pain relief. I am quite pissed about it. I have an idea that all you scumsucking people that claim to have a migraine or whatever just to get drugs makes it difficult for the people who really do have pain.

All I have to say is THANK GOD for the little lock on the cabinet on the wall at the end of my bed. That little lock served as a focal point for the excruciating pain that was going on. I was quite pissed when I left the ER. I was relieved it was not my liver or gallbladder. It was muscular skeletal pain (costochronditis) from the uterus pushing into my ribs. As soon as I got home and I knew it was not my liver or gallbladder, I went searching for the prescription that I did not use with the kidney stone of Tylenol 3 and finally got some relief. Threw up some because codeine does that to me. It was a small price to pay to get relief. While it didn't kill it, it has taken the edge off of it so I could deal with it.

This is the one time that I hope like hell the hospital sends me one of those stupid little press ganey things. I usually try and do a really nice job on it for doctors and nurses because I know there are people that are asses and drug seekers out there. This time, I fully intend to let the administration know exactly what happened. While I didn't say anything to the nurse or doctor or make demands. I never rang the call bell or anything. I think they got the point I was quite pissed when I left because of the here is tylenol that I had ALREADY freaking taken. Which meant that I didn't get tylenol because you can't take a double dose of it. I am just so pissed. I still don't understand WHY the nurse thought that I shouldn't have been in pain. It made me wonder if they had ordered something and SHE FORGOT TO GIVE IT TO ME. I did hear the dr say he wasn't sure what I could have being pregnant. I heard the nurse mention the midwife in my ob's office was on duty and that they could call her. Nothing after that. Why in hell would she think after I had an excruciating US where I was BAWLING because the wand was pressed right where it was excruciating pain that I would have been suddenly cured.

All I have to say is please God, don't let me get a blockage from that stupid stone that is stuck in my ueter. I don't want to have to go back for to the ER for that. My drs have advised that if I have severe back pain where the kidney is I have to go get evaluated. Unfortunately, it is not something that can be waited on via US. I have to get in and get a renal US and iv fluids right away. Although, my urologist's office has told me if anything like this happens with the kidney stone, I am to instruct the ER to please call the oncall drs for my urologist so that they can confirm what is going on. Please God, don't let me be back in the ER again. I didn't ask for this to happen and I am so done. If my ob thinks he is going to be pressing on that area when I have my appt next week, he is nuts. Our appt will start out with don't touch this area unless you are prepared to do something about it. Hell, I would have LOVED a nice big shot of toradol. Anti-inflammatory for this type of thing and it rocks. Unfortunately being pregnant, I can't have anti-inflammatories.

Oh and the tech (love her, she did my us when I thought I was miscarrying at 6 weeks and did the US when I had the kidney stone) did a quick check on the baby because the US was so rough. I think she felt bad. Baby is still a girl. HB was 136. She is STILL BREECH. She asked me if I had thought about a csection. I said only if I get as sick as I was with Kirsten. I hadn't thought about it if everything was ok.

I PASSED!

2008-10-30T15:47:00.002-05:00

Hooray I was right. I totally slamdunked that 3hr GTT test. They should have just let me do the 1hr. All that torture for NOTHING. I even drank dr pepper the day before (caffiene for the headache) and eggnog that night (don't knock it and it was what I was craving). I gained 7lbs in 2 weeks!!!! WTH! No it is not from the eggnog. I didn't start that till a couple of days ago and I had already gained 5 by the time of my pcp appt. My ob said not to worry, now is the time for rapid growth. Easy for him to say. He isn't weighing an extra 7 lbs. I am measuring ok. He said don't worry about that. The baby's position affects a lot of that. (No ONE realizes I am pregnant. I mean I know I am overweight, but not one person realizes it. :() Even a friend of mine that I had not seen in 2 months said nope. Told him I had been worrying for 2 weeks about that. He said I measure right on at 25 weeks. Doesn't the flab get in the way of that? I mean if you are overweight, wouldn't you have a few extra centimeters? He said that this baby is very high up. He said that if they stand alot, it makes you a lot smaller. Ok I go for the standing up. Because this baby likes to jam her head into my ribs (trust me, you don't mistake that for feet) and her feet kick my cervix and bladder. I have an US in 3 weeks. So one of the first things I plan on asking. That and how much does she weigh?

He was pleased that my bp came down. He said that there were a couple of 90s but he was not too worried about it. I guess because it is not consistent. Told him my pcp freaked out on Monday because my bp was 148/92. She said he might add in another med. He said probably aldomet. I said well she said probably procardia. He said yep he could do that too. Aldomet doesn't do jack for me. I guess the procardia would be good for the BH. So as far as bp, keep doing what I am doing because it is working for me. He said continue working at home fulltime. I told him I had been hanging out on the couch. It goes up when I go grocery shopping, etc. So keep doing what I have been doing. Means me and my couch get to be friends.

See ya in 2 weeks. So I have been on biweekly appts since 20 weeks 6 days. Wondering when weekly ones will start. I am guessing 28-30 weeks.

24 Weeks and Viable

2008-10-25T20:36:00.003-05:00

Finally, Viability. It feels like a huge milestone has been hit. So I have been on WAH for a week now. It is really really nice. I am able to work around my appts (which are going to be picking up big time in a few more weeks) when I need to. I am able to take an hour for lunch and rest and extend my work time out. I sleep at least an hour later every day since I am not commuting. I havn't filled my gas tank in a week and I am at 3/4 of a tank! My bps have done exactly what my ob hoped and have come down. They are still running higher than before, but more in the 120-130s/80s range. The BH I still have, but not as bad or as often as before. It seems like if I hang out on the couch and at home and take it easy, everything is behaving. I have lost my rings. My hands keep swelling and my dh said take them off before they have to be cutoff. So off they came. The first few days I felt naked without them. I kind of miss them.

Took Kirsten to HSM 3 last night. To be 9 again, lol. I am sure I would have loved this movie if I was 9. It just didn't do it for me, lol. While we were waiting in line, sure enough BH started up and didn't stop till halfway through the movie. Then I have had a headache off and on for the last few days. Today it was REALLY bad. I was like is this a migraine, is it a pe headache, what's going on. Then I realized the baby hadn't moved all day and started freaking. So took a fiorinal to knock out the headache after I checked my bp. No protein and bp was ok. This was a migraine. Drank a glass of OJ. Got the doppler out. Found her heartbeat right away and it was 142-145. Then tonight she decided to make her presence known for quite a while. So all was well. Hopefully just a sleepy baby today. She totally freaks me out at times because she is not nearly as active as Kirsten and Sara. I will definitely have to do kick counts with this baby.

Just let everyone know I am ok. Just hanging out and keeping quiet. I know don't laugh! Turned in my note for full time WAH. My poor new boss didn't know how to take it. He said well I guess I don't have a choice do I? I said well either leave or WAH but we are NOT loosing another baby again. So he allowed me to do WAH. He did ask me when I would be back? I said May. LOL. The hardest thing about that is eliminating distractions and getting into a schedule. I seem to be adjusting well. One of the 12's that was coming in decided not to come in. The third person on the list is not qualified! New boss said he is going to readvertise. Guess who is without a doubt eligible now? ME. I got my step increase as of last week. So I am definitely qualified. The best part is they can't eliminate me because of being pregnant. Works for me. So I am going to apply for it and see what happens.

22 week 6 day OB appt and ER FU

2008-10-16T19:42:00.002-05:00

Well first off good news and bad news. Bad news my bp sucks right now. I have hit 100 diastolic a couple of times and my ob was not happy with my pressures. They have been mostly in the 90s diastolic with a few normal ones. He was not sure if it had to do with the infection I had over the weekend or if they were up. I told him my pressures were labile the week before and that usually means it is only a matter of time. (wow did I say that???). He didn't say anything. I think I kind of shocked him a bit on that one. He said he could increase the meds, but really did not want to do that at this point. I agree with this. I said I can work from home full time with a medical note or go out on leave. He left the choice to me. I chose work at home full time. This way I can work on the couch and keep my feet up (did that today and stayed on the couch and bp was 120/88). Why use up all of my leave now. The less leave I use, the more time after baby is born I have. :) I like that he is giving me a voice. It makes me feel like I have some control in a disease that is uncontrollable. I have to admit I am very worried about this little one. I know that preeclampsia can turn in hours/minutes. So I wonder how long I have. This week I started having trace protein and I had trace protein in the office. I will be doing a 24 hr urine early next week. I'm waiting for the Augmentin to stop killing my stomach.

Other news, baby is very high up. Even my ob said so. He went to measure my stomach and I said she is high up and he said yes she is. Her heartbeat was great. So everything with baby is ok. Oh and with my bp, he said he expects that they will start dropping soon. If they don't drop or if they go even higher like hitting a 100 like they did on Saturday, I am to call. It seems as long as I stay couch bound, I am ok. Up moving and cleaning, and up they go. :( I'm sure my boss will freak tomorrow. Don't care anymore. If he gives me crap, then I am heading straight to EEO. Called old boss this morning and she about died when I told her. I mean if she can do full time WAH for retirement, I can do it for medical. My ob wrote for pregnancy induced hypertension. YIKES. Oh and it looks like I am on biweekly appts starting now. He told me to keep my next appt. He was going to go 4 weeks and then he said no. See you in 2. WOW. I am getting closer. I am trying to wrap my brain around having a new baby in a few months. She better still be a girl!!!

Oh and my inlaws. Ugggh, they just don't understand. Saw the urologist on Tuesday. Keep doing what I am doing. I did all of the right things this weekend. Drink lots of fluids and keep taking cranberry supplements. If I get pain, go immediately to the ER to rule out a blockage. I complained that they are going to know me on a first name basis in the ER. She said I could go a hundred times and everything is fine. If it is the one time that I went. Well. You know. This time I had some funky bacteria that was resistant to everything. I found out if I had had a fever, I would have been admitted. Scary stuff. So I am glad that I went. My inlaws think I am being a big baby about this. Maybe. My mil said I had gone to the ER too much. However, there is no way to tell if it there is a blockage from the stone unless I go and get a renal US. My ob and urologist have told me to go! What if I had not of gone this weekend? What if we lost another baby to a severe infection? It's bad enough I had to have iv antibiotics and 875mg Augmentin 2 xs a day. They don't give that for a cold. So I have to ignore them and just do what the drs that went to med school say. WHO really cares for what mil says. Oh yeah, she is going on and on about her knee surgery coming up and how she will be an invalid. I had knee surgery and was up and around THAT day a few hours after surgery. Mine was pretty invasive. I was walking without crutches in a week (which gave my orthopedist a heart attack and having him ask me nicely to please use them for another oh 6-8 weeks). So I just have to ignore her.

So keep the prayers coming.

Work Rant

2008-10-13T22:00:00.002-05:00

So I called old boss today to let her know what is going on. She has decided to go on retirement at work mode. She is going on fulltime wah. Honestly, I don't blame her one bit. She tells me today that our new boss, who doesn't know anything. Who's ass I saved 30 September from a huge huge screwup. Who just bows down to everything is now Employee of the Month. WTF. WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF. Are you kidding me? You have to be freaking kidding me. How the hell can someone who is in TRAINING get employee of the month? Please explain this to me. Oh wait, it's the good old boy network.

I can't wait to see what he got it for. My guess is it is for a huge project that we did for another agency. But wait let's see. I AM THE ONE THAT WROTE THE MASTER CONTRACT, SET THEM UP, AND DID ALL THE NOTICES AND ANSWERED ALL OF THE QUESTIONS. Yeah me. I set up the master contract for them to ALL COPY FROM. All they had to do was copy the format and the clauses that I RESEARCHED (old boss researched clauses too). It was MY BUTT THAT STAYED LATE ON FRIDAY NIGHTS TO ENSURE THAT THE WORK GOT OUT AND CORRECTED HIS MISTAKES. His ass sat at home on the weekends.

Yeah me. I saved his ass on the last day of the fiscal year. See I couldn't figure out why in the world the company was not in our financial system. I mean if he had obligated the contract and I awarded mine after his (had to delay mine a bit due to an issue with the pm giving me the wrong electronic file). His should have been there. It really bothered me. So I went and started poking around. I discovered that he never obligated the contract (this wasn't the first one that this had happened on). I toyed with the idea of not saying anything. Not say anything and we just lost over a million dollars and would have made him look really bad. Say something and he can obligate it in time and the money was safe. Yeah an over a million dollar mistake. So I said something. I would hope that if I made a mistake, someone would have fixed it for me. So I told him and he got it obligated in the nick of time. He never even wondered why it wasn't there but I did. My old boss agreed with this. Everyone in the office is pissed. Royally pissed. The purchasing agent is pissed because she feels she did so much. Ummm, not unless you count her many coffee breaks. The other specialist is pissed because she knows I did the work behind the scenes for these contracts and the accolades are going to the wrong person. I am pissed because I have been there for 8 years. I have cleaned up that crap that people have done, issued things emergently, found problems and fixed them without anyone telling me too, and all at a lesser pay grade. No one in 8 years has ever put me up for employee of the month. Yeah, I am pissed.

I said you know what. A) I am glad that I won't be there to see it tomorrow. B) I would have walked out of the ceremony C) I am done. It seems that no matter how much you give, do, bust your tail, it is not appreciated. I am waiting for a position to open, same grade level or higher anywhere but here. Seeing that my bp sucks and I have this kidney infection, I am going to see about going out on full time wah as soon as possible. If I am given problems with it (seeing we now have interns on an alternate work schedule, old boss is on fulltime wah for convenience sake, etc), I will file a huge pregnancy discrimination complaint. I have decided I am done. I'll try and wah for as long as my ob will let me. Then I am taking a nice long maternity leave. They can all kiss my ass. That's just how I feel right now. It was the biggest slap in the face to give someone who has been there for 2 months employee of the month who didn't even know how to do the work. So kiss my ass agency. Hopefully I can get picked up somewhere else soon.

What a weekend!!!

2008-10-13T21:33:00.002-05:00

So last you guys heard I had been in the ER Thursday night/Friday morning because of kidney stone flareup. WRONG. Yesterday morning I got a call saying that my beautiful clean urine on the strip grew something in the lab. I can't remember the name of it, but it didn't sound good. She asked if they put me on antibiotics. Um no. She said the ER dr wanted to call in Bactrim, but that hasn't worked in the past for me. I couldn't remember the antibiotic that my ob put me on before. I told the nurse that I had to call my ob's office in the morning first thing, I could find out what it is and have them call it in for me. So even though I didn't have "the traditional UTI symptoms" (do I ever), I still had bad back, flank and stomach pain. I felt blah and literally slept the weekend away. Sunday night, all of a sudden I got sick. Nausea, bad nausea. I took Reglan and pepcid and it did not help. I felt like I had the flu. It dawned on me, that these were the symptoms the urologist gave me to get my hiney back to the ER. Since I am one of those that gets a kidney infection and blows it off till it is really bad.

So back to the ER. They were ready for me, HOORAY. Labs pulled from Friday morning and everything. Then I saw who the dr was. I thought, oh no. She was the one that told me that I did not look like I had a kidney stone in June because I did look like I was in enough pain. Great. Except one thing. She's pregnant too and due the same day as me! Go figure. So she says I know you. I said yeah kidney stone in June that two urologists say needs surgery to come out. Viola pain meds ordered, Thank God because I was really hurting by that point. I think she remembered she told me that I did not look in that much pain and was like oh crap, she really did have a stone. She was ms excellent doc. She ordered an iv right away and iv antibiotics. It was clear this was now a kidney infection and I am guessing serious at that. Seeing I had the urine run on Thursday night and it is now 3 nights later and I was on no antibiotics. I was there seriously trying to hold my puke back. I was more worried about getting zofran than a pain med cause I hate puking. That's what I asked for. lol. So iv started. Antibiotics hung (it was antibiotic night last night as several of us were getting them, Friday morning was pain med night).

So they reran labs, reran my urine culture, got the zofran, nubain, antibiotics, and another bag of fluids, which made me pee constantly (finally peeing again). They called my urologist who called me this morning and made room into the schedule for me tomorrow. They also called my ob (wasn't sure why as this was a medical problem). I heard her keep telling him that I had cultured out urine from 3 days ago. Yes my urine was clean on the strip but I was presenting with kidney infection symptoms (uh yeah, she did the pound on the back thing and it hurt like hell). She told him I was not running a fever. She came back and said that my ob gave the ok for me to be released. Still confused about that one. I feel terrible that she called him at home and woke him up at 1am. I said you called him at 1am and woke him up? She said yep. I said oh I feel terrible. She said oh well he'll get over it. Yikes. Glad I am not a dr. I was released on drink lots of fluids and 875mg of Augmentin 2 x's a day for 10 days. YIKES. That's a lot of antibiotics. Secretly I am relieved and glad they prescribed all of those antibiotics. We lost a baby to a kidney infection that was severe. I just can't do that again. I have been worried sick about this baby because of it. They assure me this will take care of it. I didn't even have to say that we lost a baby to this before. They just ordered it all up. Thank goodness.

So I came home and crashed and slept and slept. At 1030 am my urologist called. I have to be in their office at 10 am tomorrow morning. They asked me when I could come in and penciled me in. I called my ob's office and made an appt because my ob said I was to be in the office this week. I wasn't expecting to be in there till 30 October. So I have an appt on Thursday. Oh and did I mention my bp SUCKS EGGS. Yeah, I faxed those in. Hope I get no calls tomorrow to get my hiney down there. I just have been hanging out on my left side. This afternoon was 136/96, then 125/90 after a relaxing warm bath tonight.

Oh and if I start running a fever, I have to go back to the ER immediately again. Fabulous. I'm starting to get to know the crew.

BP

2008-10-11T14:31:00.002-05:00

So my bp was up all day yesterday! 140/101; 139/101; 137/97. YIKES. This was after being in bed all day because I didn't get home from the ER till 5am. So I decided to stay flat and take it easy this weekend. Me, the couch and Netflix have a date for this weekend. Today, my bp was 127/89; 112/81. So MUCH MUCH better. I am not comfortable with the above readings. I am going to wait and send them in on Monday morning. I am going to call the nurse line and fax the readings and let him see where they are at. At this point, I am not sure what to make of these readings. I am thinking I just need to rest more. That is almost impossible when I work 3 days a week in the city. At least when I work from home, I can keep my feet up. I can't do that in Buffalo. No protein today so that is good. I feel like I am super nerd. I have to test my urine each day. I don't know if I am being proactive or bordering on obsessive. Probably a little of both. I just don't want it to sneak up on me. I start my 24 hr urine test tomorrow. What fun. I get to collect my pee for 24 hours.

Did you know it is possible for a kidney stone to present on the opposite side of where it is? I did a little research into it when my boss said the same thing happened to her. It's pretty rare, but it DOES happen. One study I found had a review of 643 cases. Out of those cases, THREE presented on the other side. I really want to get into my pcp and discuss this. However, I read in the paper today that she was in a major car accident on Thursday. Please pray that she is ok. The paper said she crossed the center line, hit a utility pole, rolled over twice, and came to a rest on top of the wheels 150 ft away from where she struck the pole. It said she had to be cut out of the car. How scary for her. I have been worried about her because she has been so worn out lately. I could tell when we go in that she was exhausted. New baby, did not take time off from work after having baby, working insane hours, and yucky Aldomet. Hopefully, she'll take care of herself now. The paper said she was lifeflighted and treated and released. She is probably mortified she made the paper. It was kind of hard to miss the article as right next to it was a picture of my baby girl. Sara made the paper too. Her daycare had firefighter day and Sara was right in the center of the pic with the firefighter. She has been going around saying stop, drop, and roll. So she got it.

Mil and Fil offered to take the girls overnight. We said GO AHEAD. So no kiddos tonight. Wil take it easy though.

More troubles.....

2008-10-10T20:10:00.002-05:00

So last night I was doing ok. Had some BH when I went and took Kirsten to cheer comp. Then I had this AWFUL pain on the left side. It went from my back around my side and to the front and it came in WAVES. I remember thinking hmmm this reminds me of my kidney stone. However, that is on the RIGHT side. It was so bad I could barely even move for an hour and a half. What threw me off was that I had BH too!!! WTH. It finally eased up at 1030 but was still bad. Tried Tylenol, heating pad, laying down. Dh wanted to call an ambulance. I told him NO FREAKING WAY. At 1030, spoke with a friend of mine who is a nurse. She gave me my kick in the butt to reality. She said they knew what they were getting into with medicine. It was time for me to call. I hated doing it, but I did. It was like 1115pm by this point. My poor ob must have been asleep or something. Cause after going over everything, he asked what time was it. I immediately apologized and said I am so sorry it is very late it is 1115. He said no no no no, no it is ok. I just wanted to know how long this had been going on. So finally I said I am going to the Er. He said if it was nothing they would send me home. Of course, when I got there, the only time in a rural hospital, I would show up when 3 ambulances had just rolled in. So into the waiting room I waited till they got those people settled.

Get called back and my bp was 134/94. Pulse was 114. YIKES. The dr made it in before the nurse. As soon as they heard I had a history of kidney stones, in went a liter of fluids FAST. They offered me pain meds but I declined because I could feel the baby kicking. It just bothered me taking it when I could feel her, kwim. Then they came back in and said I was getting a renal US. That was it. I caved and they gave me Nubain. Which helped with the pain, but made me very sick to my stomach. So they did the US. Came back and said my US has not changed since June. They were not sure why it started on the left or what was going on. Everything was ok with me and baby. Released me on tylenol 3 which I did not fill, makes me puke plus not enough pain for that now. No protein in urine. They took my bp again, 147/94!!!!! TOO HIGH. Came home called my boss and called out. She said with her stones, sometimes the pain would be on the opposite side. YIKES. Off to bed I went. I did not getup till 2 today. Checked bp and it was 140/101. Even more yikes. Stayed on couch till I went to get Kirsten and Sara. Checked this evening 139/101. DOUBLE YIKES. Means that my bp is now higher. I didn't call my ob yet because for now all that can be done is to stay on my left side and rest. Pharmacy is not open yet.

I have to take Sara to dance tomorrow morning and fu with my pcp from the ER. Then Netflix, the couch, and I have a date. If it is still high, I guess I will be calling. THIS TOTALLY SUCKS. Twice in one freaking weekend.

Reflections

2008-10-05T12:52:00.002-05:00

I have been reflecting a lot in the last few days and doing what I need to do to get everyone ready. I was surprised that my inlaws did not run away screaming and that my mil actually feigned interest in what was going on. SHOCK. I told her that they said I will get sick. That they will be watching me intensively at 28 weeks and beyond. That I will have to be on mag at delivery. She asked what mag was. I told her it's a drug given by IV to stop and prevent seizures. I will be on it at delivery and for 48 hours afterwards. Hmm, guess I won't be leaving 36 hours after delivery this time huh? I think I freaked her out when I told her it was a drug that prevented seizures. They were not there when Kirsten was born. No one was. I am trying very hard to keep my anxieties in check, but not a lot of people understand. I have been emailing back and forth with another girl 8 weeks ahead of me who is already on bedest. We have been commiserating.

I keep thinking about my appts that I had. My peri was so dead set that I was going to get PE and I know she is right. She has been doing this for over 25 years. The plan that she has laid out for me ob is quite intensive and strict. I keep thinking about my ob appt. My ob has always been an optimistic guy for the entire time that I have seen him. I don't know, maybe he had a bad day. For once, he was not optimistic and he was dead serious too. Through severe pih with Sara. He was like this is ok. Through the staff freaking out over my bps when she was born. He never ever let me see him freak even when I was and others were. He did tell me after she was born how worried he was. I remember thinking, funny he never showed it. Even when I had the MC he was optimistic. You can try again. This isn't the end of the world. You can pick up the peices and go on. It wasn't my fault (somehow no one will ever be able to convince me of that, if I had only done a million different things, maybe things would have been different). Even at the beginning of this pregnancy (or maybe it was Peyton's), I asked what he thought about me getting pe and delivering early again? He said some women he thought he needed to deliver but they surprised him. This time there was none of that. Just that I was very high risk for pe again (I guess that is better than Dr. W's assessment right?).

Not this time. This time he came in with a very serious face and said Well. No it's a happy go lucky world today or anything like that. He knew that I knew. I know way more than the average patient on PE. I can walk you through the labs needed, what they mean, what they check for, what the levels should be. I don't have to consult a book or notes for that. I can look at the US and realize instantly that something was not right. I knew it that day at Dr. W's office. The tech kept trying to reassure me and said you know maybe I don't have the right artery. I told her I knew. I knew it meant that I was now even more high risk for pe (at the time I didn't realize that it jumped to 75-85% based on US alone). I knew that the placenta is not getting enough blood. I do know that it was unilateral and not bilateral. Bilateral is like the kiss of death and means a very early very premature delivery. The sound that the doppler US makes is pretty unique. I realized I had been hearing it on a doppler at home for weeks now (since I got the thing). At the time, I worried that maybe that it was the baby's hb I was hearing that was skipping like that. But it was too slow, so I put it out of my mind. Until the day of the US at the peri's when I heard that unmistakable sound again. It's like a heart skipping a beat or something when you hear it. I did tell my ob that I found it odd that Dr. W didn't even have to explain what it meant because I already knew. We just went over the gameplan and the plusses and minuses. Plusses - it's unilateral, not bilateral. You have great doctors and she seems to think I can get to 35 weeks. Baby is doing well for now. Minuses - bad ob history, notching, etc means pe. Hopefully it won't be as severe. I have this terrible terrible feeling that this baby might possibly be stillborn. Maybe if we hadn't of had a 2nd trimester mc I would feel different. I already know that bad things happen to good people. If I had the unfortunate experience of a 2nd trimester mc to infection, Severe pe and Severe pih well why not me. It happened once, it could very well happen again.

Like I said, what got me was the ummm Well. How else do you deliver bad news? I said you got Dr. W's report. That was all the intro he needed. I bet money he poured over my records from Kirsten again. Too bad they are all in french. You can get an idea of what happened. I have decided that if I am as sick as I was with Kirsten, I do not want to be induced. Just take the baby by csection. I do not want to go through as much as I went through with her. Quite frankly after discussing it with several military drs, the consensus was they would have done an emergency csection at midnight and worried about the transfusing later. I've had two vaginal births. So I am ok with it. A question for later at my next appt. I just can't get over how serious he was. I wonder if possibly another mom that had to have the emergency surgery on that day, I wondered if it was because he had to give the news there was no heartbeat as well.

So maybe things will look up at the next appt. Maybe it wasn't that my stuff wasn't all that bad and he just had a bad day. The good news is that they are watching me carefully. Baby will be here in January which means I can open the windows when I burn up from the mag.

20 week appt and BIG WHINE POST AHEAD

2008-10-02T15:56:00.002-05:00

Feel free to skip this post. I had my 20 week ob appt and my ob agrees with my peri. Except he changed it to I am very high risk for pe instead of you will get sick like my peri said. He's an optimist. Guess that's why I like him as a doc. My peri recommended in her report that I get the pe labs done for the second trimester. I have to do a 24 hour urine this week (FUN). Oh and she slipped in a 3 hour GTT and did NOT tell me about it. Neither did my ob till he brought me my lab slips. I actually said oh man are you kidding me? I have NEVER been diabetic! It's the one thing that is good. I have to sit at the lab for the WHOLE three hours. I always almost pass out from just the regular one hour one and it makes me sick as a dog!!!! He said he was afraid that yes I have to do it but I can take my new wireless laptop to the lab with me. I said they don't have wireless. Grrr. Basically I have to stay on top of my bps. If they go over 95, I have to call about it. My peri recommended bp surveillence in the office, however he said that I know about bps and was really good about keeping an eye on them and that he is ok with letting me do that at home. I was to CALL if they are over 95 (do go ahead and kick me in the butt if I need it guys). He said there are some patients that he worried about, but I was not one of them (he would have hated me as a patient when I was pregnant with Kirsten). He said the uterine doppler was for pe and not pe and pih. So basically means pe. I asked how long he keeps people on mag and he said 48 hours after delivery. I told him fine as long as he gives me zofran for the puking (I puked the entire time while on it with Kirsten). I told him I figured I wasn't getting out of mag anyway after he got Kirsten's records based on his reaction to them. I asked him if I was on mag did I have to go to the ICU like with Kirsten (well it was an ICU room on L&D). He said no not unless I have bad hemodynamic changes? I'm guessing that means crappy bloodwork. He can't tell me if it will be as bad as it was with Kirsten. He went over what the peri told me. She'll see me at 28 weeks, then every two weeks till 32 weeks and then weekly till delivery. Her goal was 35 weeks. I'll be doing non stress tests each week in the peri's office as well. At the peri visits, she'll be doing the growth USs, doppler blood flow studies, NSTs, and BPPs. Of course the obligatory bp check. As far as all of these braxton hicks contractions I keep having. As long as they are not in a pattern or don't hurt they are ok. Just get off my feet when I have them. I am to call if they are continuing on rest, they hurt, or have a pattern to them. We talked about leave and they know I have enough leave to go out whenever I need to. So that was it. See you in 4 weeks. Ugh, 3 hour GTT will be in 4 weeks and they only do it during the week. Not a happy camper! I'm glad they are being proactive and aggressive, but I just have to say it stinks. I am thinking it is not really fair either. It is what it is and it would be worse to not have drs watching me and everything. It just stinks.

I am going to hate hearing from certain people I told you so. Because SOME people in my family will LOVE to rub it in and say see I told you so. I'm sorry, NO ONE deserves pe ever. I have so many thoughts. I mean I have kind of made my peace with PE. It's just the way it is for me and my body. My body HATES pregnancy. I am just not one of those lucky people that have the carefree pregnancy.

I have made my peace with mag. I hate mag. It is a necessary evil. Yes it is awful. BUT, it will save your life. So as awful as it is you just have to deal with 2 awful days of it and then you feel much better afterwards. I mean how can you not when it makes you feel so bad.

I just worry about A) me being ok B) Baby being ok and not in the NICU C) my dh and girls. When I had severe pe before, it was really really bad. It was just me and dh. We didn't have kids then. I just don't want to hear I told you so from anyone. I don't think there was ANYTHING wrong with trying for another child even with my history. Because before even getting pregnant, my chances were 25-40% for pe again. That means 60-75% chance for everything to be ok. Those are good odds. I just drew the unlucky straw.

The good news is that I have good drs this time. They are all over this like white on rice. I know that they will take care of me (at least I hope so). I know so much more about what to look for and what to call for.

I need to take this ONE day at a time !!!

Another PE post

2008-09-28T13:13:00.002-05:00

So I have been thinking for the last few days. I guess these are just some random thoughts. I have been reflecting back to when Kirsten was born. How the ob that I had (belgian) just blew off everything and the military drs were doing all they could to flag their attention. I remember numerous trips to L&D that was an hour away. I only had one L&D trip with Sara. I remember thinking everyone was saying how sick I was. You know I just didn't feel THAT sick. I still remember lying in L&D in the area that was the MICU for labor patients that were really really sick. I remember no one being allowed in to see me. I remember how the room was kept as unstimulated as possible. How the room was kept dark. How my dh didn't say much. There wasn't the jovial celebration that you see on a Baby Story. In fact, there was no tv in my room at all. There was a nurse that stayed with us quietly doing stuff in the corner. Funny how I thought that was normal for every mom.

I worry about this time. I am not so worried about getting sick or being on mag anymore. According to my peri, it's a given. So I guess I have made my peace with that. You will get mag and it will suck but you have had it before and was ok afterwards. I guess I worry about my girls and dh. It was very important for me this time (as it has been each time), that we have that family time after the baby is born. I want the girls to be the first ones beside me and dh to see the new baby. I don't want anyone else to see the baby till we have that time together. Dh has an issue with this. He says how can we ask grandparents to watch the girls but then make them wait to see the baby? I tell him how upset I was that I didn't get to see that moment when Kirsten saw Sara. I didn't get that first moment of seeing their first baths or bottles. This time I do. Then I think, I may (ok most likely) be on mag. Do I want the girls to see me on Mag. Do I want them to carry the image of a really sick mom on mag. What about when they have THEIR babies and remember that. So many thoughts and feelings. No one but dh saw how sick I was with Kirsten because we lived overseas. I really do think I still want the time with the girls. I plan on asking my ob and pcp when it gets to be about that time to please allow them in to see me. I know they will be worried.

Another thing I worry about is how bad will it get? Will I be thrown in the ICU? I remember my ob with Sara saying he could always throw me in the ICU if I was bad enough. I think how scary is that? If I am in the ICU, the girls can not see me. I worry about dh. He was so worried with Kirsten. That was the first time I had ever seen him cry. He really really thought I was dying. Well I never thought I was THAT sick till I got my records. It was like OMG, no one ever told me how sick I had been. I guess the good news is how my peri put it. They will be watching me very carefully. They know it's coming. The good news is it hits later rather than early. So maybe if it is taken care of earlier, I won't get as sick. I have decided as much as I always wanted 4, this is our last. I can't put our family through this again. It's too hard.

Pe and the Brewer's Diet

2008-09-26T19:34:00.002-05:00

Oh for God's sakes how does this diet continue to proliferate expecting boards and midwive circles? I just don't get it. When you have a body that already is compromised with impaired kidney function and it can't process the protein that it already has. Please tell me how MORE protein will help? Oh but my midwife told me it will....... Drs don't know anything. Honestly, do yourself a favor and don't count on some stupid diet to save your life that was from 40 years ago and has NEVER EVER been able to be replicated. Seriously. Can you find ONE study that has been able to replicate the Brewer's Diet? Is that why ALL the MFMs and perinatologists are running to it and saying please do this diet? No. NONE of them recommend it. Yes while pregnant you should eat healthy. If you are going to get pe, you are going to get it. No diet in the world is going to help you. Yet this diet continues to proliferate itself over and over. I cringe when I see oh I am doing the Brewer diet and my midwife says she nevers see PE when this diet is done. Honey, that's because midwives deal with LOW RISK women. Low risk women typically don't get PE. If you have PE and you are seeing a midwife, you better get your butt to an OB. Preferably a MFM or peri. I have nothing against midwives. There are lovely midwives in my ob's office. They are wonderful and do low risk interventions for birth. For me, I need someone that went to med school as I am high risk. There is a reason that a midwife has to have an ob back her up. I had one poster tell me that I should see a NP or a midwife because they know more than ob. Then a few posts later she told me that she was a midwife apprentice. The next thing was a question on protein and kidneys. ACK.

For God's sakes, please stop telling me that if you take calcium and magnesium you won't get it either. I can't tell you how many posts I see that say magnesium prevents pe. No dear you have it wrong. Magnesium sulfate (a drug that is given by IM or IV and is a combined med) is given to prevent SEIZURES. They are not the same as magnesium off the shelf in your local health food store.

I can't tell you how much it burns my butt to see these types of posts. If you don't get it a second time, it's because you are one of the lucky ones to never have it in a second pregnancy. So my question to all these I am doing the Brewer's Diet and it is going to prevent it blah blah blah, what happens if you get it again? What happens if you get it worse because you took in MORE protein and your already compromised kidneys could not handle it? Whose fault is it then? I just hope no woman dies because of it.

Ramblings about PE

2008-09-21T04:17:00.002-05:00

So I have had a few days to think about what my peri said. Several things have stuck with me. I asked dh if he understood it to be the same. He said yes and that no I did not take it wrong or overreact. With the notching and resistance in the cord, I am going to be sick. There wasn't the oh you have a chance of not getting it. Look on the bright side there is a 30% chance you won't have it. It was you will get it based on history and notching. That sucks. It sucks because I know what I am in for. I only hope that I am far enough along to deliver a healthy baby. I don't want to be that mom in the NICU. I don't want to go to a university hospital. Sure everything is fine right now. Things got downright hairy with Sara and Kirsten. It isn't the norm to have your ob say I was so worried that you would call in the middle of the night and say you siezed or something. How about you don't have any idea how worried I was about you. At the time I thought hmm, he was overreacting. Over time I have been with my ob now for over 4 1/2 years. I know he doesn't take things lightly. He is not one too over worry or stress out. So for him to say that is a big thing.

It seems my appt with him on the second is a very very long way off. I have lots of questions now that I have done my research. I would agree with my peri's opinion. 40-60% chance of pe or pih added to a 75% chance of pe from the notching equals to a greater than 100% chance of it recurring again. She has over 25 years of experience. I guess I am not so worried about actual delivery or being in the hospital or even being on mag. I guess what I am worried about is a premature baby, seizing, knowing that my kidneys and liver could possibly fail. I know my ob has told me more than once, if I get that sick again, he would throw me in the ICU. I guess part of my problem is that I had high hopes of being the one that would sail through a third pregnancy. That I would be the one that got to be in Walmart and have their water break. That I would be the one to actually have a normal birth experience where you get to go in at term and have your baby. Instead, I'll get to be the one that the nurses (and/or doctors if it is not past 35 weeks) get to learn off of since I will be that rare case that comes in. I'll be the one that they will panic and worry about. I want to be the one that gets to laugh and eat ice chips in labor, not throwing up from the mag and feeling like death warmed over. I'm hoping that when I see my ob on the 2nd that he'll have some optimism (he is usually an optimistic guy). I'm sure my peri put it all in her report. The worst of it is to know what is to come and then have some jackass family member say that A) you knew what you were getting into so why are you even surprised B) that we deserve it (who deserves worrying about their health or their spouse's health and their baby's health? C) gloss it over and saying you are overdramatic.

I worry how the girls will be. I so wanted us to have family time after the baby was born for a little while. If I am magged I am not even sure they would be allowed in. When I was very sick with Kirsten, I was allowed no visitors except dh. Do I really want them to see me looking like death warmed over and bruised from constant needle pokes or the severe pe because my clotting is off? Should we wait to see them till I am off of it? I'm not so worried about the my health part of it as I know my ob is awesome and will be on top of everything. I mean the man stayed in the recovery room with me when I had the d&c when I lost the baby. He also stayed the night when Sara was born (he didn't get any sleep as there are constant references throughout my file that the nurses had made Dr. XXXX aware of my bp). It's just that it sucks plain and simple and it shouldn't be THAT hard. Many women can go and pop their babies out, why can't I?

I think I am going to call the peri's office on Monday and find out what my resistance index (RI) was. I wonder if I call and ask that question if they will think I am a complete nut or nerd. I mean how many of their patients show up in the office knowing what notching on a uterine artery means? Very few. At least that is what I got from the tech. I wish I had done some research on uterine notching before going in to my peri so I would have known the right questions to ask and could have looked at the US better. You can bet I will at my 28 week appt.

I also saw the look on the other tech's face when she was looking at my US. I am pretty sure she was looking at it as it was the uterine doppler study that was brought up with the absent flow. She had a really concerned look on her face. Kind of wondered at the time why they were all checking it out? Her look when she looked at the US and then looked at me in the exam room said it all and it has stuck with me since Thursday. I also wondered how often they saw that type of abnormal US. The tech said they only did 3-4 of those a month. So if they do only 3-4 a month. They deal exclusively in US and high risk pregnancies. Well you get the picture.

We have told very few people about the US results. Mainly because we don't want to hear from family we told you so. I know if we told the inlaws, they would say we were making it out more than it needed to be (this is from the woman that has been going on and on that sil can go into sudden death you know). Then my family being on the opposite side of the spectrum and calling every second wondering if I had siezed yet? Friends in real life can not comprehend it because you are the one percent in the one-eight percent that have had pe. Which is a really really small population. Pregnancy boards online have no idea as they can't comprehend it or you are the scary horror story that they all worry so much that will happen to them.

I worry that maybe we pushed our luck to far this time. Could we possibly be the exception and be lucky a third time? Maybe maybe if we hadn't of loss a baby at 13 1/2 weeks with something as random as a severe kidney infection and fly, we would feel that immunity or optimism. The sad part of that reality is that it happened once before, why not now. There is no guarantee. You can't look at it and say hey there is only a 2% chance of this happening again or most women that have pe go on and have healthy babies. The reality is you have already been the unlucky one to beat those odds. Not once. Not twice, but several times. One of the unlucky 5% to have lost a baby after 12 weeks. One of the unlucky ones to have been one of the 1% chance of the 1-8% chance to have had severe pe. So it's a bit hard to optimistic knowing you have that nagging doubt in your head. Don't worry, I am still optimistic for 37 weeks and no pe, but I also know my reality. Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets, you never know.

So I guess my plan for now is to make up my huge list of questions for my ob. Once I get those questions answered and see what my peri wrote in her consultation and what his take on it is, I need to make an appt to specifically discuss the baby with our family doctor. There are certain things I want to be able to do this time. I want to give that first bottle. I want some bonding time with the baby before she is whisked off to the nursery to be put on monitors. Fine, wheel me in there. Throw the bags of mag and bp meds onto a wheelchair and let me see her in her first hours of life. I'm sure I can work something out between the docs. I guess she will need to talk with my ob about the delivery of this baby as well so she knows it is on the horizon.

For now, focus on that this baby is healthy, she is a girl, and that for now things are ok. Take comfort in that I have good drs that know what they are doing. I just hope that when I head back into my ob's office that the nurses are not looking at me like I am an alien. He has new ones now from when Sara was born. He just needs to bring in the old ones for just for me. Have a new nurse work the triage phone. Well I feel better now that I have gotten that all out. Now off to Dell to price a new laptop for the bedrest that is sure to come.

Peri Appointment Today

2008-09-17T21:23:00.001-05:00

Well there is good news and bad news.

The bad news:

My shellfish allergy has nothing to do with being pregnant and is permanent. This alone makes me want to cry. I would give up chocolate to be able to eat shellfish. I have decided after this baby is born, I am seeing an allergist to find out how bad it really is and to make sure I can never eat it again.

The baby has notching (mild) on the right uterine artery. I thought something was wrong because she had a lot of trouble with it. However, the other US tech and my peri confirmed it. My peri told me that combined with my history that means I will definitely have issues whether it be PIH or PE. Most likely PE. However, I have been through it before. She told me I have excellent doctors and that they would be aggressive in managing me and would be watching me like a hawk. They know that I am more at risk. She didn't go into all of the whole notching thing with me. I know some about it. I know it is an increased risk because the placenta doesn't get enough bloodflow. From the research that I did today, she must have seen the notching and saw a higher resistance index. So I need to ask my ob what the resistance index was. Or maybe I'll call and ask them how high the resistance index was. The good news is it was only the right side and the left side looked great. If it was bilateral it would be much much worse. She said her hope was to get me to 35 weeks to deliver with my dr at my hospital. My hopes are much higher, oh say 37 weeks or maybe God willing 40 weeks. My girls were a good size, so she is hoping this baby will be too. She is pleased that my ob cut my work in Buffalo to only 3 days a week stick with that for now. I told her I had planned to be able to go out on leave at 26ish weeks because that is when they said I would probably go out on bedrest. I was all set up for it. She said GREAT. So it looks like this baby will probably be coming in early January. I hope not. I want to stay pregnant as long as possible. My bp was 122/74 in the office. My ob and I have a LOT to discuss in 2 weeks. I will be making my list for him. She said the good news was, I am not advanced maternal age (hooray, yeah I only made that cutoff by 2 months), I am not diabetic. These are very good things. She asked about protein when Kirsten and Sara was born. I told her with Sara it was hit or miss. Trace here, negative here, 1+ here. Negative at delivery by dipstick. With Kirsten it was over 5000 mgs. She said Kirsten was definitely severe preeclampsia. I said that's what my paperwork says. She said with my history and the notching I will definitely get sick. It just depends when. However, I knew this before getting pregnant. I also have excellent doctors. We will prepare for it and be ready.

The good news:

Baby is very healthy and active.

This baby is a GIRL. Yep. Can you believe it? No MS or anything with this one. She is a girl. I could not believe it.

So that's about it. I go back to the peri at 28 weeks on 11/21/08. I will see her every two weeks till 32 weeks. Then I will see her every week till delivery. We will be doing kick counts, bpps, nsts, doppler blood flow studies, etc. I'm not sure when biweekly or weekly appts will take place with my ob. I imagine he'll start seeing me weekly at 26-28 weeks. I am going to see if he would do extra nst because Sara was fine the day before and the next day had decels. So that worries me. Fun times are here again.

Wanderings...

2008-09-15T19:57:00.002-05:00

So I am now 18 weeks 3 days. I have no idea how the time is flying by so fast. I wish it would slow down. Right now things are ok. My bps have gone down with rest, 2 days wah, and doubling the meds. I am getting wierd readings like 96/60 or 96/74. Then I also get readings like 119/88. So from one spectrum to another. I am going to print out my log for my peri appt on Thursday and see what she says. Speaking of my appt Thursday, I am anxious, nervous, excited all wrapped up in one. Is that possible? I'm excited to see how much the baby has grown and to find out the gender. I am terrified that something will be wrong. That it is too good to be true. I am nervous to find out what the plan is. DH said to tell my docs that if this one is ok, no more. We are not putting anymore of their kids through college lol. He joked that's why the doctors ok'd us getting pregnant again with our history. Dh has also decreed 2/1 as a NO BABY day. Umm yeah, that will be exactly the day that the baby will come silly. That's because it is Superbowl Sunday. So now he has decried, hmm, ok baby born that morning. Thinking he can take the girls to his parents, I'll be in the hospital with new baby, and he'll be home by himself to watch the superbowl. Um, yeah. Not happening buddy.

So I spilled to a coworker at work that I was preggo today. Lots of people wondering. No one asking except the one nosy coworker. I don't plan to tell her EVER. We have SO many new people at work. I am like the only one that is in the office besides my boss that is old there. My one coworker that has been there since June asked me if I had made the list. I told her no. I was out by a couple of weeks of time in grade. She said no way. I said yep. I am pissed because they made a waiver for R. for education. L was given a position when I was out on maternity leave with Sara. Yet, you claim hands off when it is me. She said that is SO wrong. I said I am done. I am not training any employee. My job description does not call for it. I am and I expect to be treated like anyone else there. I intend to follow my drs advice and go out on leave or fulltime WAH even if everything is going swimingly. I would rather be cautious than too little too late. I have yet decided if my laptop is coming on maternity leave with me. She said she couldn't believe it. She asked me if they were going to reannounce the job and I said I don't think so. I have not discussed anything with future boss nor planned to. I was serious when I said I was done. For years, I have done the crappy jobs that no one wanted to do, the hard stuff that people were too lazy to do, handled the crises, and covered for people. For some reason, current boss has thought it was ok to just crap all over me. It proved it when all of a sudden she decided to not be involved. I feel a lot better since I made that decision. Course the coworker I spilled to is now freaking out knowing I won't be around for the busy season. Ooops.

So now it is getting through the next three days before the big US.

Lots happening...

2008-09-06T14:15:00.003-05:00

Well I had my ob appt on Thursday. Gained 5 lbs. EEEK. Good Charleston food huh. Bp was ok at 123/88. He said my log was better than it had been. I said much better considering those high numbers before were me laying flat on my back. These new numbers were me running around. He measured my stomach. I felt like I had passed a goal where I get my stomach measured. Hooray!!! He said everything look good. As far as 24 hour urines, we won't be doing those unless my bp goes wonky again or I start dipping protein. So keep your fingers crossed. He's going to see me in 4 weeks. I see the peri in 2. So I think between the 2 of them, I'll be seeing someone every 2 weeks. YIKES. Oh and I almost passed out in the office. I had to ask about how to come off the prometrium and waited to ask him. When he came out to get me in the waiting room, I went to stand up and almost passed out. I had to sit back down. He said WHOA. I said I'm ok and got back up again. The prometrium I am weaning off of. He said he didn't think it would do preterm labor. Well guess what happened today? Started contracting at 9am. YIKES. Called him. He told me off my feet and drink drink drink. They finally stopped at 230. Thank God, they were freaking me out.

Work SUCKS. I can't wait to go out on maternity leave. When I last wrote, I had missed the referral list by a few weeks. In fact, my bosses COULD reannounce it so I could make the list. Well it doesn't look like they are going to do that. My current boss says on one hand I should be pissed. On the other hand I should be a good sport about it. Yeah, NOT. I got the feeling that she is not telling me something. Meaning I was never going to get it. Which is fine, because I have already told them to teach all of these new people themselves. I am NOT doing it. Why should I have to train people that get paid more than me? I mean for 8 years I have busted my tail there. I have constantly trained people higher in grade than me. I have constantly picked up the slack of correcting other people's work and everything. They have me out supervising and shadowing other employees. I said I am done. I am not doing this anymore. I refuse to bust my tail and not get anything for it. It cemented me looking for another position. This agency is the most immoral whacked out place and I am not doing it for longer than I have to. Now please don't let me be there 1o years from now. I see the peri in 2 weeks and I am going to ask her when I should plan on going out of work. I think I am just going to go out on leave and not return till May. LOL. That will give them 6 months to work it. I'm just done. I care, but not enough to bust my tail.

Last, please give your prayers to dh's aunt and uncle's family. We got the sad news that she passed this morning. Her family needs all the prayers that they can get. They were a pretty close family and she was the glue that held them together. I hope she sees Aunt K and Peyton up there. It's one more auntie to help with Peyton.

Prayers needed...

2008-09-02T19:53:00.002-05:00

Dh's aunt has advanced liver cancer and is not expected to live past a few more weeks. If you could say some prayers for his aunt's family. She has 4 kids aged 21-40. She has grandchildren aged 4-8. Dh's other aunt had rectal cancer and fought for several years with it before she passed on Feb 29th. This aunt that now needs all the prayers she can get decided not to go through all of that. She tried a couple variations of chemo, none of them successful. She decided to end all treatment about a month ago. She is now hospitalized and awaiting a room at the local hospice. She doesn't want to die at home or at the hospital. I was very near tears today because she gathered all of her children around and told them how sorry she was that she wouldn't be around much longer. Her children, grandchildren, and husband love her immensely. I can't imagine how hard that was for her to do that. So please pray that her passing is as easy and peaceful as possible and that her children, grandchildren, and husband are surrounded by as much love and support as possible.

I'm back!

2008-09-02T19:09:00.002-05:00

I'm back from vacation. Let me say what a BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL very traditional wedding it was. We were late by about 15 minutes because there was supposed to be a second trolley for pick up. Well they cancelled it and FORGOT to tell us. So we ended up taking a carta bus, which went all over downtown Charleston. UGH. Then I remembered it was a catholic wedding and those take forever. HOORAY. The girls absolutely enjoyed and loved loved the beach and pool. My non beach loving husband wants to come every year. We took tons of pics. We rode a carriage ride, did a boat harbor tour, and went to the aquarium (which thrilled Sara to death). I got my two paintings that I wanted.

We also saw my mother. When my sister called and told her we were in town, she DEMANDED several times to know where we were at. I refused to tell her and so did my sister. She didn't seem to understand the concept of PRIVATE FAMILY TIME. If I had told her, she would have came and parked her butt in my hotel room 24 hours a day. NOT HAPPENING. Plus she would have told my other sister who would have stalked us. My sister tried to tell her to take the time that we were here as an opportunity and to embrace it and not complain about everything in her life. That meant no money, no dealing with her numerous health issues, blah blah blah. Upon hearing that we were in town, she immediately started bawling and hung up the phone on my sister. Then she called my sister back saying how wonderful a mother she was (um yeah if you call mental, physical, and emotional abuse a great mother, then she was mother of the year). Then she started in on she didn't know WHY I was so angry and upset with her. Umm let's see. You took the worst moments of my life and made it so much more worse than it had to be. Not only did I have to deal with the death of our baby. I had to deal with you running your mouth all over town about how I was suicidal, severely depressed and needed to immediately see a psychiatrist. You had not EVEN talked with me. How the hell would you know. You made it seem like it was wrong for us to be sad and grieve our baby. You took that away from us. You treated me like I was a 16 year old that had done something wrong when you found out we were pregnant. So yeah, I had EVERY right to be angry and upset. She kept saying over and over how could I just not tell her we were coming??? Boy she must be living in a total freaking fantasy land. Then my sister said there was another thing. I was 4 months pregnant. Which made her even more hysterical. Yet when my niece hopped onto the phone, she immediately dropped the hysterical crying act and was ok. WTF. My sister said it was ALL an act. It kind of made my mom look like an ass when I was 4 months pregnant and looking pretty happy. my sister told her she needed to make a sincere apology for how she acted after we lost the baby. She did several times. I guess I should be happy that she apologized. I got the feeling that she just did it to clear the air and because it was what I wanted. Not that she was truly sorry for what she did. She was truly sorry for the aftereffects. So we met her for breakfast. She saw the girls. Then we were to meet at a local downtown hotel for my cousin's wedding, except we missed the trolley.

Then at the wedding my other sister was there (she is totally crazy, bipolar, and is a social misfit, and drug addict). My girls have NO idea who she even is. I wouldn't talk to her cause I can't stand her. I certainly don't want her near my kids. Anyway, because we were late, we ended up on the other side of the church away from my family. HA HA HA. My one sister was mad because she wanted to be on my side, lol. At the reception, there was a cocktail hour inside the museum. My crazy sister in the bathroom comes up to my 3 year old and says do you know who I am? I was thinking um NO SHE DOESN'T AND IT IS STAYING THAT WAY. Of course Sara looks at her like uh no crazy lady I don't. We ignore her. She then tells this woman that she is my child's aunt. This poor woman that was attending the wedding is like trying to make small talk. She asked her if we lived far apart and that's why Sara didn't know her. My sister mumbled yeah something like that. So anyway we get out of the bathroom quick. As we are coming back, my sister is bringing back name plates. Aww how cute. Till we realized that my aunt had split us up ( THANK YOU). My sister and her family were up front with the family table as were we. My mother and other sister were ALL the way in the back at the LAST table. OMG. It was like WWIII had started. My mom was pissed. She thought we had something to do with it. We didn't. Last my sister and I had read in email was bridal party and immediate family would be at assigned seating. Everyone else would be casual. She shot daggers all night and said well it looks like we are at the reject table. That was not the case. What actually happened was my teenaged cousins got put at a different table than their parents. They put my mom and sister (she was with my mom because she doesn't know how to act in social situations and they were worried she would act out) with table of people they didn't know what to do with. In fact, my great uncle was at the SAME table. See my parents divorced when I was 6. My father died when I was 9. Ever since my mother has bad mouthed my father's entire family. When my grandmother died and left us a very very small inheritance ($3k and crazy sister got $6k because my grandmother said she needed more), she had her hand out expecting us to give her money. She is just so negative. So WHY on earth would she think that she is a part of my father's family? She expects to be invited to ALL family functions. Yet, she is NOT part of the family and bad mouths them. So anyway at the end of the night, they left at 10pm. When they left, I invited her to the aquarium with us on Monday.

On Monday, she calls my one sister and says she doesn't know HOW to get there. Is she smoking crack? She has been there several times and there are signs all over the interstate and downtown on how to get there. My sister told her she could not ride with her. Somehow she made it and was early. She behaved well for the aquarium. So then I invited her for lunch. We went to California Dreaming. After that we wanted alone time for our last afternoon/night in the hotel. She still wanted to hang with us. She asked my sister if she was doing anything afterwards with us. One it was not any of her business. Two she wasn't. I said no and left it at that. I swear if we were, she would have totally invited herself along. I seriously thought she was going to pop up at the airport this morning. Maybe she did and I didn't see her. Anyway, when we left the restaurant, she apologized again. Ok I get it. It's still really hard to forgive and forget. I tried to do a google search on forgiving and forgetting what she did. I am really trying to be the bigger person. It's hard. I have a lot of resentment from my childhood from her. What she did after we lost the baby reinforced and reaffirmed everything I felt. I mean your mom is supposed to be there for you no matter what. She's supposed to love and nurture you. She's supposed to be the one that you can turn to. I don't have that and never will. As much as I would LOVE a mom like that, it will never ever happen. My mother has always put herself first before she did us. She received money for us from SS and yet we never saw a penny of it. She told us everyday how much she hated having kids and wished that we had never been born. It was because of US that her life was so awful. So I am trying to read up on the forgiving and forgetting thing. I think I can probably forgive her. I don't want to be a person consumed with anger. However, I don't think I can ever forget it. It would be more of she will know only what I tell her and nothing more. Kept at arm's length. Very sad.

So anyway, back to the pleasant parts of our trip. We just had a lot of fun being a family. My family so enjoyed the beach. I definitely recommend the Holiday Inn Hotel at Folly Beach, SC. It has a pool oceanside. The pier is right next to it. There is a volley ball court there on the beach. Poolside bar. Entertainment every night. Kids eat free. Every room is ocean front. How can you go wrong? Even Sara started BAWLING this morning when she saw us packing. She told us we couldn't go and she loved the beach.

Oh and back to my cousin's wedding. The dinner part was outside. Charleston ironwork lanterns lit the path to the garden area where a big white tent with candles was errected. The dj played Carolina beach music. It was absolutely breathtaking and beautiful. My neice and Sara were best of friends. I can't believe how much Chloe is just like my sister. CUTE.

Oh and my aunt in PA and I have decided that we will never ever ever live in Charleston again. It's too crowded, too packed, too much. We both love our nice quiet rural small town lives in NY and PA. It's nice to visit oh every 4-5 years.

Going home....

2008-08-27T20:01:00.002-05:00

Well work is better. So thought I would start off with that. I am not due back into the office till Wednesday. I see the chiropractor on the 3rd (thank God I need it). I see my ob on the 4th. Anyway, had a little talk with our new boss. Basically, I can do everything that Counsel says even if it is wrong or he could let me do my job. Counsel can stick to the legal stuff. He agreed. :)

This weekend we go home. I really want to see "some" of my family. I absolutely don't want to see my mother or my other sister at all. I will end up seeing them, I do not want my whole weekend spent with them. I have planned excursions for a harbor boat cruise, carriage ride, aquarium, and the beach. I am on the hunt for some paintings by an artist I love. Last time I found a great little gallery off Market Street. I'll see my mom and my one sister at the wedding. I'll have to see my mom for breakfast Saturday. My other sister just called and asked if she could tell my mother that we were coming now. I SAID NO. I don't want to give her ANY heads up. She is going to call her Friday night and tell her. She is going to tell her I am still angry and it is because of what she said and how she acted after we lost the baby. She should have minded her own business and given us space and she didn't. Instead, she ran her mouth all over town about crap that was NOT true. She made me feel like a teenager that had done something wrong when we told her we were pregnant. Then when we lost the baby, she ran her mouth telling everyone I was severely depressed, suicidal, and needed a psychiatrist. Now I have no problems with people needing that. HOW DARE SHE. She hadn't even spoken to me hardly. How the hell would she know. It makes me so angry to this day that she took something so private and tragic for us and made it into something very ugly. She made it as if we didn't have a right to grieve the way we wanted. She just made a situation that was already the worst that we imagined and made it even worse. I can't even stress enough about it. For once I had had it. I am tired of being the adult. I am tired of dealing with HER issues. I can't stand how negative she is. Everything is ALWAYS someone else's fault. I hate how when we told her we enrolled Kirsten in dance class. She said oh well I wish I could have done that for you, but I didn't have the money. Truth was she did have the money. When my father died, she got 80K that was for US. She also got social security every month till we were 18. She had a good job at the time. She didn't pay for medical or dental for us as the military covered it. Honestly, she spent the money on herself. She always had expensive clothes and shoes and nails done. I very very rarely got anything new growing up. If I got something new, my aunts or my grandmother bought it. She could have done those things, but chose not to. For us (we have the money now, but didn't last year), we choose to give our daughters this. Last year we made sacrifices for them to be able to do these things. That's what you do for your kids. You think beyond yourself. She could never ever do that for us. If any of us have good fortune, she is the first one with her hand out and saying gimme. I also want my sister to tell my mother that she needs to look at this as an opportunity to see the girls. Not oh woe be gone. I don't want to hear it and will walk out if it happens. So my sister said well I want to tell her. I said if you do, I won't see you and will be extremely upset (my sister offered up telling my mom but when I wanted her to know). I have reasons for not telling her. One, she would wrap her entire weekend around us and I don't want that. Two, she would tell my other sister who would be on the phone to every single hotel in the area trying to find out where we are at. So that is the bummer part of the vacation that I have to deal with this mess. Hopefully she will behave.

I am excited about seeing my other family. Oddly enough my one aunt seemed to understand when we lost the baby. It made me wonder if she had gone through a loss. She totally understood about my mother. In fact, all of my dad's side COMPLETELY understands why I am so upset. Which is wierd!

I just can't wait to spend time as a family and with my girls. I can't wait to share my heritage with them. I can't wait to play on the beach with them. I can't wait to see their little faces light up on a carriage ride and stuff. I need the strength and renewal that the beach will give me.

Crossroads..........

2008-08-22T19:04:00.003-05:00

Ugggh. I don't know what to do about work. I hate it now. Everyone has been run off but me. I trust NO ONE. My current boss is leaving. She is turning everything to the new boss on 10/1. He seems nice enough, however, he is very inexperienced and is a freaking bump on a log. He doesn't say ANYTHING about his employees nor back them up. So I work in Govt contracting. As part of sending a solicitation or an award out, we have to send it through Counsel. This would be great if we could actually TRUST our lawyers and they actually had GOOD advice to give. I sometimes think that the lawyers that are hired by the Government are hired because they were not good enough to open their own practice. There is a reason they take a $66k job instead of going after a $100k + law practice. Kind of like those crap doctors that the insurance companies hire as a 3rd party that is supposed to be impartial, but they are not. KWIM.

Anyway, our agency is so screwed up. Never TRUST them. Number 1 rule. They tried to throw the Asst Chief under the bus about a year ago. We had written a contract to remove debris. Contractor signed off on subcontractors receipts as they were accurate and delivered blah blah blah. Contractor's daughter was the project manager and she signed off on the receipts. One problem. They never actually verified how much was being hauled away. Yeah you read that right. Never actually verified and then signed off that they did take that much away. Then the contractor did not pay the subcontractor. Subcontractor sued the contractor. Now normally we don't get involved in these kind of disputes. Except that the Asst Chief received a subpoena to testify as a hostile witness for the contractor. WHAT??? How could that be? We wondered that too. Of course seeing he was doing his job as signing the contract, he expected to have Counsel represent him. Guess what? They told him that he would not have counsel with him and that he would have to take ANNUAL LEAVE to attend a courtcase done in the middle of doing his duties. WHAT??? He was quite upset for awhile, but counsel was being a jackass and giving BAD advice again. I'm not sure how he got out of it. I think the Chief went to Counsel of a different District. They fixed the issue. How screwed up is that. He did duties that were in line with his job and Counsel was not going to help him. My current boss has had personnel issues she has been dealing with. She had to go outside of the district for help from other counsel because this one doesn't know what they are doing. So do I have confidence in our lawyers? Nope.

So anyway, we have a new boss. We had it where we could at least deal with them. They gave us what they thought was the law and well we ignored when he was wrong. My boss would tell him he was wrong and that he was there to advise her. So now we have the new boss and they have a new ear. The problem is he is a bump on the log!!!! Counsel was dead wrong in what they were doing on a lot of our contracts. If you try and say that now, they ignore you. In fact, I have noticed them being SLICK. Meaning we send a form that says please review for legal sufficiency. It has an approve/disapprove form. Totally ignored. Things are coming back with no signature. NONE. Things are coming back unreviewed. Things are coming back with sticky notes on it instead of being written directly on the contract. Guess what that means? When the crap hits the fan as it will, counsel will make out as they can say they never signed off on any of the contracts. Well, I can't sign them as I don't have authority. Guess who that leaves to hold the bag. Yep, my new boss because he signed the contract. Do you think that the same people that left my current boss and the old assistant chief out to hang will pick up the pieces? Nope, they'll put them on a skewer and roast them. My long term goal is to get another job in ANY agency besides mine. Especially if I don't get the promotion.

I'm also going to be careful and cover my tracks. Projects that have been returned to me unreviewed are being noted as such on the letter. Sent to counsel on dates x, x, and x. Returned with no comments. I am also going to be speaking with new boss on Monday morning. I am not going through the stress and hassle of doing what's right. It's not good for my bp. It's not good for the baby. It's just makes me exhausted. So I am going to talk with him on Monday. I am going to tell him that I have absolutely no problem putting in counsel's comments whether they or right or wrong. However, it was an unfair position to put me in to sit there and say well you just put in what you think is correct without backing it up. So I have decided that if he wants me to do what I think is correct, he is putting it in writing to me. That way I have something concrete to show that's what I was told to do. If not, every single thing that Counsel writes on our stuff is going into it right or wrong. Ultimately, the one that signs it is responsible.

When I decided that on the way home, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. hmmm, who knew. Besides if it gets to bad, I'll just go on leave. I don't want to waste my leave and should know more on the 18th. I am just not going through it. 6 chiefs in 8 years is too much.

Now if I can just get through this next month. I am DREADING going home because of my mother. My sister said she will talk to my mother and say it was a surprise. My suggestion is that my sister tell my mother not to dwell, whine, guilt, complain that we live so far away and be happy that she is getting this opportunity. Take it for what it is and enjoy it. If my mother starts it up, I intend to tell her that. My sister is telling her first as to not make a scene in front of our children.

Dh is coming home!

2008-08-19T20:10:00.002-05:00

Hooray! After six long weeks, I'll FINALLY have my dh home. I am soooo tired. I don't know how single moms do it! I plan to SLEEPPPPPPP. I plan on going and getting a pedicure this weekend (Saturday). I am sleeping in LATE this weekend. Waiting for dh's parents to come now and pick up his house keys because he won't be getting home till around midnight. I have to be up for work at like 440am.

I am starting to find the heartbeat more and more. I don't ever get it for long though. Maybe a minute because the booger is active. I am starting to think of how I'll be going off the progesterone in 2 weeks. It will be so weird to not have to shove a capsule up the vajay jay. It's also my safety blanket. I mean I know logically the placenta has taken over at this point. However, I don't know, it's my safety blanket. I'll have to talk to my ob about my anxiety of this.

Ok off to bed as soon as the inlaws come.

Even more good news

2008-08-16T21:23:00.003-05:00

I got the results of my NT scan today in the mail. They were: 1 in 6361 for Downs and 1 in 11621 for Trisomy 13 & 18. These results are even better than an 18 year old. So not bad for this 34 year old AMA momma! It's amazing, at first I was sure sure sure I was going to lose this baby because my progesterone was so low. Then this baby's HCG took off after progesterone supplementation and we got a heartbeat. Then the fear of was I only prolonging the inevitable came on. I was worried sick something was wrong with the baby. Nope, so far everything is excellent. I can hardly believe it. The baby's heartbeat is getting easier to get now. This one is an active little bugger because I never get it for more than a couple of minutes. I thought with all the blessings that I have had lately that instead of selling the doppler on ebay, I want to do something else. I want to give another mom the same gift that I have had with the doppler. I'm going to ask my ob if they could keep it specifically for moms that have had a loss in the 2nd or 3rd trimester and lend it out. I'm not sure if it is possible for them to do it because they are so busy. However, if they can't do it. Then I am going to do it on my loss board. Lend it to another mom and have that mom pass it on. That's the rule. When you deliver or don't use it anymore in pregnancy, promptly pass it on to another mom.

I am starting to feel movement. So different than last time. I still have dreams of seeing our baby still (Peyton). However, they are made easier with this little one. You don't forget the one you lost. They are always with you. I don't forget that if we hadn't of lost Peyton, we wouldn't of had this new one. This one is so active where Peyton was not moving. I am worried about the low progesterone causing premature labor. I am going to talk to my ob and peri about it. I decreased my dosage of progesterone from 2 a day to 1 a day. So far no problems. I am terrified of going totally off of it at 16 weeks (actually it will be 16 weeks 6 days seeing that is my next appt). It's become my security blanket. It's going to get yanked away. Now I don't enjoy shoving pills up the vajay jay. I know as long as I do it, it helps the pregnancy. You can't have too much progesterone.

Oh and my settlement came through. What a GREAT feeling to pay everything off. I accidently overestimated what we owed on stuff. I had some stuff 2 and 3 times (pregnant brain here). I was like whoo hoo that I had way more than I thought. I paid my penneys and fashion bug cards in person. Can't wait to pull my credit scores for the next couple of months.

Still NOTHING in the housing front. Why is it so hard to get what we want? 4 bedroom, 1 1/2 bath +, garage, big back yard (hopefully fenced in but not required), updated. You would be amazed but NOTHING is out there from 125k on up. Even houses listed for $369k (way way out of our price range) need work. What the hell is up with that? I mean seriously, if the house is listed as 369k, it better be brand spanking new and not need a thing!

The girls are getting excited about going home. Sara has never been to the beach. She keeps asking if she can build a sandcastle and stuff. What a cutie patootie.

Where's My Calgon At???

2008-08-13T20:11:00.002-05:00

Seriously, I am about to scream! The girls are driving me nuts. I have been doing the single parent thing for 6 weeks now and I am not liking it. Not only that, but doing it pregnant with a high risk pregnancy. Grrrrrrr. I am tired and cranky. I have decided to hire a cleaning service. There are a couple of leads. I am going to call some that are in the phone book for an estimate. If I can't get something that way, then place an ad in the paper. Tomorrow is payday, so I can buy our plane tickets and book the hotel. I have to prepay for the entire stay at the hotel!!! It's like $227 average a night for a double bed ocean front room with microwave, fridge, etc. Think that is a pretty good deal. Plane tickets will be about $245 a piece. The lawyer called today and said my knee check is in the mail minus his 1/3, costs, and $3k that was put in trust for drs. Enough to pay everything off. That will be so wierd.

I emailed my aunts on my dad's side and told them that we were pregnant, baby is ok, and that I was coming home for the wedding. Hopefully they will be happy. I also asked them to please not tell my mother and my crazy sister. I plan to make boundaries for my mother. Basically she will never change and she can't understand what she did wrong. So basically say, we'll see you Sat night at the wedding. Then we'll have breakfast probably Saturday and Sunday with her. We are NOT spending my vacation with her constantly. My sister (the sane one) and niece are welcome to join us at any time.

We have got to get the girls back on schedule when dh comes back. They are totally out of whack now.

Low progesterone in pregnancy

2008-08-10T21:41:00.002-05:00

I am going to take a few minutes to talk about HOW important progesterone is in pregnancy. Not only is it important, it is VITAL to your baby. It won't help a baby that is destined not to be. That means a baby with a chromosomal issue. However, it means everything in the world to a baby that just needs a little ummph. I was on progesterone supplements about 6 months after Sara was born. I was first put on it because I was constantly bleeding. My ob never said I was low. In fact, I point blank asked him. He said that I just needed a little kick. The extra progesterone worked. After I lost Peyton and with tons of encouragement from my loss board and my research, I asked my ob to run a progesterone test. He never said no. In fact, he happily agreed to run it. In my research regarding low progesterone, I found out I had what was called a Luteal Phase Defect. Meaning my lp was too short. take progesterone and it extends it out. I supposed Peyton made it as long as he did because I got pregnant the first month off of it. So I asked for the test never expecting in a million years that I had this defect. I was SHOCKED it was so low. 6.8. Barely ovulating.

That was when I told the nurse I had to get on progesterone supplementation right away. My research indicated a viable pregnancy needed at least 10 unmedicated. Less than 7, you were most likely to miscarry. Well less than 5 was very dismal. She called me later that afternoon and told me my ob did not beleive in progesterone supplementation. I was devestated. I started crying on the phone saying this baby will NOT make it without supplementation. She said she was not going to argue it and hung up. I was so upset that I called my pcp and begged her to put me on it. She refused. She didn't want to step on my ob's toes. In her eyes, he was a hero. She would NEVER do anything to cross that. Thanks to D. D sat with me. She talked with me on the phone. It brings tears to my eyes for what she did and I thank her every day for it. She told me to she was very worried that because of how upset I was that I would miscarry. She told me to call his ass at home. If his nurse had taken care of the issue to begin with, there wouldn't be this situation. Yes, D is pretty blunt and that's why we love her. She said it sounded like the nurse never spoke to him. So that's what I did. I called him and had him paged at home. I felt terrible for bothering him. Not only did I bother him. I totally lit into him. I am pretty sure he has NEVER seen me that upset before. I was a hysterical whacko. I basically said how dare you not prescribe this. He said that 50% of obs believe it is garbage. I said you know what, I have read the same studies that you have. I believe it works. If I believe it works and it won't hurt and will only help, then my baby deserved to live. My baby deserved the progesterone. I also told him all the progesterone in the world won't help a baby that has a chromosome problem. It will for a baby whose mom has low progesterone. I had been on it for over 2 years before getting pregnant. I can't remember the whole conversation. I was pretty much a raving lunatic. I have been a patient for over 4 years. I know through thick and thin, he has never seen me that way. Whatever I said moved him. He promised to get it called in that night. He promised to increase the dosage if my levels didn't rise. He did. The pharmacy was waiting for me when I arrived. He found a pharmacy that would make it for me on a Friday night.

I celebrated when my HCG levels skyrocketed. It was amazing. I cried when we saw the heartbeat the first time and each time thereafter. This baby so far has thrived. When I first got through the first couple of USs where it showed that we had a baby with a heartbeat. Then the overwhelming fear of maybe I had only postponed the inevitable. Maybe there was something wrong with the baby. I was terrified of the US at my peri's office. That one proved good. Thank God for techs and drs that read your file. I feel certain that's why I was in a different room with a different tech. I feel certain that is why she gave me so many pictures. She told me emphatically here are LOTS of pictures for you. We never had a picture of our last baby. I feel certain thats why she told us right away that this one is a healthy active baby.

So a bit of advice for women with low progesterone (I am hoping one of you are doing a google search and hit my blog). Demand the progesterone test. Demand progesterone if it is low. My baby would NOT be here had I have not of done that. Your ob doesn't have to believe in it. All he has to do is prescribe it. He has to believe in you and your baby. Maybe it won't help. Maybe just maybe, it will make all the difference in the world. If you have low progesterone, run. Run from your dr if they won't prescribe it. I love my ob. I love that he is laid back and tries to do the worrying for you. I love that he doesn't put you through a bunch of unnecessary tests. I love how he takes care of you in pregnancy and labor and takes the time to answer your questions. However, if he had not of put me on the progesterone, I would have changed drs right away. I would have changed first thing that Monday morning. I would have been in another dr's office that day. That's how serious I was.

The funny part is how I have changed as a patient. I used to be that shy patient afraid to ask questions. Now I am a partner in my care. I have a responsibility to be as informed as I can be (can I say how much my peri's office LOVES this!!!). He's the doc too and you have to respect his years of practice and schooling. Although he is a doc and everything, I like that he asks what I want to do. This past appt my bp was on the rise. I had tried everything to get it down. Nothing was working. So he asked me what I wanted to do. I said both. I guess I want to be aggressive too.

Back to the progesterone. We have evolved from 50% of ob docs think it is garbage to you are staying on it till 14-16 weeks. Hmmm, looks like someone was doing some research too. Ladies, demand progesterone testing. Demand supplementation if it is low. The only thing you have to lose is your baby.

13 weeks 1 day

2008-08-09T09:28:00.002-05:00

I am STILL pregnant!!! Hooray!!!!! Checked for the HB yesterday, but baby was not cooperating. Then checked this morning after eating and I got it right away. 156bpm. My ob was probably not the happiest doc on the block when I told him I bought a doppler off ebay. However, it was I buy a doppler or bug him everyday to check for a heartbeat. Which do you think he would prefer? Especially at this time period when we lost our last baby. I can't go 4 weeks without a heartbeat check. I would be terrified of a missed MC. So I bought one. You know what, I don't regret it for ONE second. It has brought so much peace and relieves my anxiety. If it does that, who cares what anyone thinks. So I was a little worried last night when I couldn't find it because it was the day they said the last one passed. This morning after breakfast, I found it. Hooray!!! My next US is not scheduled till 9/18, unless my ob can't get the HB again. Then he'll drag out the machine. I told him the machine gets alot of use off me last time. He didn't say anything. He was kind of cranky. Makes me want to check the paper to see if there were any early morning deliveries that morning.

I am so looking forward to our trip. Can't book till payday, but oh well. That's only next Thursday!!! For 4 nights, 5 days in sunny Charleston to fly and get an ocean front room with breakfast, it will be $1900. Not bad if you ask me. Prices keep dropping too every week. I just hope we can book in time to get a good flight and hotel room. This week has drug by though let me tell you. It seems forever between 12 and 14 weeks.

Today I think I am going to try and celebrate. I think I am going to try and call my inlaws and see if they will take the girls for a couple of hours so I can have some me time. I want to see the new Batman movie and get a pedicure to celebrate. Whatcha think?

Now if we can get the settlement finished, life would be perfect.

Today is a WONDERFUL day!!!

2008-08-07T18:45:00.002-05:00

What can I say, but thank goodness for a very healthy active baby. My morning started off bad. I was working from home. Work started updating my laptop remotely. Well they KILLED it. I couldn't do anything. OH well, I didn't feel like working anyway!!!! Had my appt with my ob at 10 am. First walked in and the overwhelming smell of carpet hit me. ICK. I hate carpet smell. Not to mention it usually gives me a bad headache. Fortunately, I did not have to wait long. I was called back fairly quick. First off weigh in. Hate this. I gained ZERO pounds. HMMMM. I'm eating icecream every day and not gaining an ounce?? Then bp, which is sucking even though I laid down for an hour before my appt on my left side. 130/90. ICK. Ob comes in and says pressures are not awful - yeah they arn't great either. 90s now on the bottom. I am not used to that!!!!

So he let me put my input in. We can either go with a day of work at home or increase med. I said do both. Because rest is not helping. Work is stressing me out. As much as I hate it, meds need to be increased. He really didn't want to change or add meds at this point. So we are hoping this buys us a lot more time. Say oh 40 weeks!

Then he did the doppler. Ugh, no heartbeat again. I told him I had bought one and gotten it a couple of times. However, it was really hard. He checked forever. The longer he checked. The more I started freaking out. Sorry but a heartbeat can stop at ANY time. Anyone who has had a loss KNOWS this. He finally pulled the US out and right away a beating heart. Thank goodness. An alien baby was there and not a blob. Hooray, we have graduated from blob hood. Baby had a heartbeat, but was not moving. He said it's ok. It's probably sleeping and they sleep 30-45 minutes at this age at a time. Heartbeat was 140-145.

I asked him about my trip home. I was REALLY REALLY worried when I asked him he would say no. He said it depended on where I was going, how I was going, and how long I was going to be gone. I said Charleston, SC. He said and how are you going? I said flying. I can't handle a 16 hour drive and it would be cheaper to fly. Told him my cousin was getting married. He said it was ok as long as I got up and walked to prevent blood clots on the plane. Take it easy while I am there. I told him that peri's med school was there that she graduated from. He said maybe you can get a tour of almar mater. Umm, nope I have NO intentions of going there!!! If there is a problem they can call him and get whatever is needed. WHEW. Next appt is on 9/4.

Then off to the peri, where we have a perfectly normal healthy active baby. NT scan was EXCELLENT. Could not have asked for better numbers. Baby was extremely cooperative and measured dead on for dates. We saw baby waving its hand, sucking its thumb, bouncing up and down. It was AMAZING. We saw the baby's limbs, stomach, spine, head. We already think it has dh's side's nose, poor thing. I was so happy to see a baby that was so active. Our last baby never moved. The times my ob would do an US. He said baby has a heartbeat. That means baby is alive. This time baby was all over the place, like it was happy to see us. All of the worries about the same room and same tech, GONE. I was in a different room and a different tech, thank God!!! I had the same tech that scanned me a lot with Sara. AND she remembered me!!!! Oh and my ob's office FORGOT to send my paperwork, but I asked him for a rx today. So I was covered. They took my paperwork from February. That was an uncomfortable moment to say the least. No one wanted to say hey the baby you lost. The staff was EXCELLENT in dealing with the loss we had. I am fairly certain they changed it around from the room I had the last time to avoid sad times. So everything looked perfect. I go back to see my perinatologist and for an US on 9/18. They will be doing the whole thing with consulation and everything.

Even better news. My lawyer called me today and told me that he had received my settlement check from the insurance company. He estimated costs at $1100 and of course he gets 1/3. He said to expect a check in the mail in a week or so. Since it was an out of state check it will take about 5 business days to clear. HOORAY.

I just can't believe how blessed we have been. This year started off as the worst year of my life. Honestly, in February, I was left wondering how to pick up the pieces. Now we have money, have our bills paid off, and have a beautiful healthy baby coming. All of the people that have been praying for us and a healthy baby, THANK YOU. It appears your prayers are working. Sometimes you really do have to weather the storms to get to the rainbow.

Hooray for the sounds of a wonderful heartbeat!!!

2008-08-05T20:55:00.002-05:00

I have to say buying the doppler was worth EVERY FREAKING PENNY. I havn't panicked at not hearing a heartbeat. I do cry when I hear it loud and clear. Twice now I have gotten it very loud and very clear. Once at 11 weeks 2 days. Then tonight at 12 weeks 4 days. Since I am getting very close to the point where we lost Peyton, I have been listening each day and then some. Call me obsessive, I really don't care. What matters is how I feel and how I can ease the anxiety. If this is how I can do it, then so be it. What a BEAUTIFUL sound to hear that wonderful heartbeat. I don't regret it. So if you have had a loss and were on the fence regarding a doppler. Buy one. I promise it is worth it.

Two days till my NT Scan. Say lots and lots of prayers that this baby is ok and healthy and still has a heartbeat.

Work Rant

2008-08-03T20:09:00.002-05:00

I HATE WORKING OT. So I log on today to supposedly fill in a few clauses. THE WHOLE DAMN CONTRACT HAS TO BE REWRITTEN. I don't have time for this. Explain to me how coworker is the same grade as me, almost certified, was a supervisor in her previous job, but can't do a contract. There were duplicate clauses. Many clauses in wrong sections. Just plain freaking wrong information. I deleted a lot of clauses. Went to check our bible the FAR and started rearranging clauses. Something that was SUPPOSED to be easy is just completely wrong. Seeing project management feels it is NOT their jobs to give us the right local sections, well, I fixed that too. I did the we need your help deal. Basically said this is NOT going out till we get what we need and invited him to come to my office to discuss it further should he need to. I refuse, refuse, refuse to write specifications for project managers. So if I am rewriting all of their specifications, what the hell are they doing? They have student aides farting around upstairs all day that can get paid $11 an hour to type.

Coworker is not off of my list either. She did not pay attention to what she was doing. She did not check her clauses. She did not do her job. Sorry, but you need to buckle up. On top of that she lied to me and the Chief. How do I know this? I thought something was up when she was typing for two days (typing the PM's specs!!! Which she typed wrong). She said that the Chief was making her type all of this. I thought HMMM. That doesn't sound like our boss. She can be eccentric a lot of times, but she would NOT do that to an employee. So I pulled the both of them together. Coworker hemmed and hawed. Chief said she showed me 2-3 paragraphs that needed to be typed. You know me, I would NEVER have approved her typing the whole package. I believe the Chief. We had just kicked back 3 other packages for the same thing. Coworker left on vacation. We do NOT need someone like two of the people that just left this office. I see that I am going to be inspecting a lot of packages that come out from now on.

Fortunately, new boss is YOUNG. That means a new way of thinking. More like he thinks like me. :) He is looking to streamline operations and make things easier. Not sure how he is going to handle project managers doing their jobs. I think he has bitten off more than he can chew. However, he knows computers. He learns fast. If he doesn't know something, he looks it up. A nice refreshing change.

We are suppposedly getting 2 new interns. We are getting a new specialist that has already been labeled an asshole by my boss. Fabulous. I think my ob just needs to put me out on full time work at home now please. Oh and my old boss told me Friday that she is going out as of 1 November. She is turning in all of her work ids/keys/etc. She is going to have elective cosmetic surgery. Her surgeon has agreed to extend her sick time recovery. When that is done, her pcp is taking her out due to stress.

I sometimes wonder if I made the wrong decison by turning down other agency. Of course, I had everything worked out just right. if it had all worked out, I would have a baby by now. Hmm, funny how fate changes things. I would have never have predicted all of these changes. I am not a person that deals with this type of change thing.

Ok, rant over. I just quit working on it and decided to leave it till tomorrow morning. I'll need to talk with current boss. We will need to give new coworker some additional training. UGH.

The big week...

2008-08-03T07:13:00.002-05:00

So the big week is finally here. The week that I hit 13 weeks and I am terrified. Terrified that IT will happen again. I can't take comfort and say I am overreacting and everything is ok because it was NOT ok the last time. I have my genetic screening test at my peri's office on Thursday. Thank God my ob is bringing me in for a heartbeat check. I think I have been getting baby more and more on doppler. I can't be positive on what I am getting. I am bringing the doppler to my ob's office on Thursday and hope he will show me how to use it properly or confirm that I am doing it right. The time has gone by fast and God has blessed me with no nausea or morning sickness (one of the things I dreaded and redoing pregnancy again).

My bps are definitely on the rise and I need to talk to him about it on Thursday. I started pregnancy off with 110-120/67-low 80s. It is now 120-130/87-97. YIKES. That is a DEFINITE increase. I don't like it. I have been trying my hardest to rest as much as possible. I come home from work and lay on my left side for most of the night (hard to do with a 3 year old and a dh gone tdy). Weekends are spent on the couch on left side. Work at home days have me with my laptop and feet up on the couch with pillows behind me. Then during lunch and breaks, I am on my left side. NOT WORKING. So I think another work at home day is in order and possibly increase my meds.

I talked with my boss and point blank told her to expect an increase by a day of work at home time. She asked me to arrange it for Tuesdays/Thursdays. That way I am in the office every other day. (Also, HOORAY on saving on gas!!!). Dreading that part of the appt. I am also pretty sure I have lost more weight which my ob won't remark on, but the nurses love too! I am eating as much as possible, but it seems like pregnancy revs up my metabolism. Why can't it do that not pregnant?

Oh and the latest news, dh and I are planning a little vacation. My cousin is getting married in the old fashion southern way. It will be quite the exclusive and fancy affair. They sent an invitation addressed to ALL of us to include the girls. Since we have not taken a vacation in awhile. I am DYING for some southern hospitality. I think we are going to sneak home to Charleston SC. I called my sister and she knows and is thrilled. I have not spoken to my mother. I guess we will tell her when we get there. I was hoping to put on the invitation that please do not say anything to anyone that we will be coming, it will be a surprise. There are some people that I do NOT want to know that we will be there - Mother and other crazy sister. Apparently, my mother and crazy sister are all cozy nowadays and well I can't stand my crazy sister. My mother is not on my list of favorite people right now. One of the lessons that I learned from miscarriage is that it is OK to not be polite and to have to talk to someone just because they are family. I thought I would need my mom. It has been quite liberating not to have deal with her crap. I don't have to listen to how everything is always someone else's fault. I don't have to listen to her money worries because she can not manage her funds. I don't have to listen to the whining her house is falling down around her because it was us kids fault (I havn't lived at home since I was 18 and that was 16 years ago!!!!). It has been quite nice and wonderful. I realized something was really wrong with a mother when the first thing she can say when she hears about her child coming into good fortune is where is mine? That really rubs me wrong. A NORMAL mother would say how wonderful for you and congratulations. My mother, the first thing she would do is have her hand out. That is such a sad sad situation.

So we are sneaking into town. I decided that since we are paying the money for a hotel room (our family is too big to stay in ONE bedroom of my sister's house), we are going OCEAN FRONT baby. I want to wake up to the waves lapping and the sun shining. I need the ocean. It brings strength. It brings calm. It is peaceful. At this stage, I desparately need it. So I am currently looking at hotels now. We are planning on going Labor Day weekend. The plus side to staying at a hotel at the beach is my mother can not take the beach. She will not go into the sun. This makes a boring time for her. Also, if I stayed at my sister's house, my mother will be over ALL the time and not leave. My sister lives within 10 minutes of my mother. Being at the beach, I am NOT that accessible. I have no intentions of revolving MY vacation around my mother. Yes we will see her because we have too. We won't be with her the WHOLE time. Anyway, I plan on taking the girls to the Aquarium there. We are going to do a carriage ride. We are going to go to Market street and the old slave quarters and walk around. I want to buy several prints from my favorite artist Jim Booth. I am hoping they can ship them home for me. If not, I will stop at a UPS store or something and ship them. I don't want to be lugging them on the plane.

So this all depends on - getting my drs approval to go, getting good flights and hotel rates.

Samples EVERYWHERE!!!!!!

2008-07-26T18:04:00.002-05:00

Why is it when I was pregnant with Sara and WANTED all the baby samples I could get that they were few and far between? Yet, we lose our baby at the beginning of the second trimester (had registered the week before because I thought I was "safe") and we continue to get bombarded with congratulations emails/letters/samples? Seriously, it started a couple of weeks ago. The first to arrive was Similac samples and checks. I got two full cans and 4 checks for $5 off. After the shock wore off, I checked expiration dates and will just save for this baby. Then there were diaper samples from Pampers and Huggies. Today, I checked the mail and thought WHEW safe. Our settlement paperwork came in today (hooray!!!!). Anyway, I had to take Kirsten to a skating event for Girl Scouts. I pull into the driveway and what do I see on the porch. Not one, by TWO samples of enfamil formula. I have tried to get off the lists. I have even tried erasing the registrations by reregistering for the new baby as a secondary attack to stop the onslaught. Has not worked yet! Checked the expiration date. Put it away for the new baby. I give in. I just wish dh was here to check the stupid mail. He would hide this crap for me.

I take Kirsten to the skating rink. I go in with her and make sure she is all settled in. The troop leader who is a friend of mine said she heard congratulations were in order. However, it was like oh, congratulations. Not sure how to describe it, but it certainly was not the happy congratulations my other friends have given. This was also the same friend who had the immediate reaction upon hearing we lost our baby that said "well she knew she was high risk anyway". UGH.

Then that reminded me of when I had the allergic reaction to the shellfish (saw the PA last night at the soccer tournament and he was glad I was looking much better. No shellfish while pregnant unless I got a epi pen or people with me he said!). Anyway, when I was at my pcp's office, when deciding what course of action to take. My dr asked the nurse if I was STILL PREGNANT??? What kind of freaking question is that??? How am I supposed to take it? I mean this isn't exactly what I need someone asking. Is she still pregnant? OMG. You know, my ob sends her regular consultations as does the urologist and the perinatologist. Plus, the hospital automatically copies her on all labs and USs. So you would THINK she would know the answer to this question.

Before I lost the baby, I had no idea how insensitive people could be. I mean you have to take it with a grain of salt. Unless you have been through it. You will never know. When it happened at the time, I couldn't understand why God does what he does. I think in my case the timing wasn't right. I think that there is a reason why things happen even though we may not understand it. In the end, things work out the way they should. I still have not figured out all of the reasons and they whys. I may not ever know why. I do believe that we have an angel waiting for us in heaven. I do believe that Angel is being cared for by Aunt K. I like to sometimes think that our angel baby went to heaven so that he could be there for when Aunt K did. He let her know it was ok to go.

I leave you with a poem that was posted on my loss boards a few months ago. I have a copy of it and carry it in my purse.

A Different Child by Pandora MacMillian

People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them with compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I am only here
Because my mother tried again."

I think this is one of the most beautiful poems I have ever read. It describes exactly how it is to be pregnant with another child. You don't forget the one that you lost and is gone. You absolutely love with all your heart the next one because they could be gone one day too.

More anxiety

2008-07-26T16:03:00.004-05:00

Well I think I am going to fess up to buying a doppler to my ob. I would like for him to show me how to use it right. I am pretty sure I am, but just want to make sure. I figure I could tell him that it was nice of him to offer to have me come in at anytime for a heartbeat check. It was not practical as that would be every hour of every day. Kirsten is going to be busy startin an hour. She has a Girl Scout thing tonight and a birthday party tomorrow.

I have the doppler. I use it about every day. Baby is a stinker and doesn't stay in place for long. I guess I know I will be in a lot at the end. I just don't want to be "THAT" patient if you kwim. I mean I know my ob would be great about it. He has already gone above and beyond. Still.

My mil suckerpunched me the other day and I totally fell right into it. I could have just smacked myself. She started by asking me how the doppler thing was going and about how they didn't have that in her day. She was talking about USs and how they were a new thing back then. That when she was pregnant they didn't even have pregnancy tests. I laughed and said oh Dr. E did about 6 on me. She asked why so many. I answered part ob is being careful and then I am neurotic now. Then she said I was obsessed when pregnant with Sara and all I talked about was pregnancy. Hmmm, I remember the last month of being so sick, I couldn't get out of bed. Whatever? It pissed me off. Then I thought neurotic does not equal obsessed. What MOM doesn't do anything but talk about their baby??? My boss said the same thing as me. A mom talks about her pregnancy and baby. Must be nice to have two uncomplicated pregnancies and not have a miscarriage. I also thought, she is ignorant, she doesn't know what it is like. Note to self, don't fall into that trap again. Don't show her anything from the baby. I also think she is quite pissed that I didn't invite her to my US on 8/7. I asked sil. Why? Well sil and I have our ups and downs. She was the FIRST to congratulate us this time and hopes baby sticks. She also cried with us when we lost our baby. She begged to go to USs with Sara. I didn' t invite mil because I don't NEED HER ANXIETY feeding into mine and I am sure she will say something completely inappropriate. She doesn't know how to shut up. In fact when I told her I was on progesterone to prevent MC (at this point has worked because I am 11 weeks and placenta is working), she said oh well if you miscarry you miscarry. WTF. How supportive is that? She also said they didn't tell till lile 4 months or so. I was like well you kind of forced our hand implying I wasn't doing enough with Sara. I've just decided only people who care, get to hear about our baby.

Anxiety and breakdowns

2008-07-22T17:49:00.002-05:00

Well first happy news! The happy news is that I have settled my lawsuit for the car accident I was in in 2006. Most of my friends know what HELL I went through with 1) money 2) insurance and 3) medical issues. In February 2006, a 17 year old kid hit my car (tboned it actually) in the drivers door. My car was totaled as was his. I was pretty pissed off because THIS was not what we needed. It just put us over the edge financially. All of a sudden we had to buy a new car. The deals that were out there (where we researched our previous car for 6 months and bided our time) were gone. I all of a sudden had two great insurances (car and health) and NEITHER would pay the medical bills. Then the medical issues. I spent almost a year trying to convince drs and physical therapist that something was wrong till I finally had surgery in Dec 2006. It was pretty much hell. What happened to the kid? Well he was the son of a well respected minister and was not even given a ticket for totaling TWO CARS. He admitted fault. The police said it was his fault, but OOOPs it was an accident. The last two 1/2 years has been a VERY long road. As a result I have permanent nerve damage in my shoulder and neck. I have permanent damage to my knee. Turns out that when they did the knee surgery, the cartlige was completely shredded and my knee had been dislocated. I ended up in surgery for about 3 hours while the cartlige, meniscus were removed and a 5 inch incision was made to cut through all the tendons and muscles in my knee. I am doing better now, but will most likely have arthritis in my knee (actually I have it now) and will require knee injections for the rest of my life. I used to walk 5-6 miles a day and that is gone. I am lucky to walk a mile.

So the case of the negligence is settled. We settled for a good bit. There is enough to pay off all our bills including student loans. We'll only have our house and car payments as debt and then the usual utilities, insurance, and daycare. It's a FRESH start. I would rather have the 2 1/2 years have been different, but, this is compensation and not a bad case at that. My lawyer did a good job (now let's see how much I get raked over for in expenses!). It's come at a fabulous time in my life being pregnant.

Now for the other stuff. My anxiety got the best of me and I bought a baby doppler. I think I have gotten the baby on doppler for a few seconds, but then the stinker moves away from it. I havn't actually heard it well yet because it is extremely faint and mine masks it. Plus the placenta is in the front and you hear the blood rushing through it. Baby's heartrate has been between 140-170. I'm undecided on whether to fess up to my ob about my purchase. I don't think he would say much, but I would like to know if I am using it correctly. I kind of watched how he did it at my appt. However, he is MUCH better at it than I am. lol. Best $115 I ever spent. Such peace of mind even though I get it for like 5 seconds.

I have been going through a rough patch lately. I never thought it would be this hard being pregnant again. I am thrilled, don't get me wrong. I worry about if this baby's heart is going to stop. I can't take comfort in stats because I was one of the stats. One of the 2% that miscarry after seeing a healthy hb at 8 1/2 and 12 1/2 weeks. It still shocks me that it happened to me. I started crying on the way home from work today. Why? It was because things are so good right now and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have VERY little pregnancy symptoms besides getting bigger, tired, heartburn, and the occasional ligament stretch. Oh yeah and my boobs go up and down. :) lol. I worry that this is all too good to be true. I worry that something is wrong with the baby. I worry that I will lose this baby. I just worry too much. I guess that is one of the reasons that I bought the doppler. I wanted to enjoy this pregnancy.

Dh is out of town right now. He has been gone since 8 July. He misses us terribly and we miss him. He will be back on 19 August. It's like when he gets back everything will be ok. Boy wait till he sees me!!! I'll be much bigger than I was then.

Oh and we have decided to put our house up for sale. We needed a bigger house now that we are having a third baby! So we are looking for a 4 bedroom 2 bath home with a garage and big fenced in back yard. Newer. Not an old house. We are looking on the other side of town. Kirsten still wants to go to her school. So we will see if we can get permission for her to finish out her last 2 years there (all her friends are there). I think we will be putting our house up for sale in the Spring. Gives us time to do some stuff that needs to be finished and I won't be pregnant then.

We promised our girlies a trip to Disney World next year. :)

I have the Blahsss

2008-07-20T09:31:00.003-05:00

Work totally sucks right now. I often wonder if I made the right decision in turning that VA job down back in February. At the time, I really thought I was doing the right thing. I am getting EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED with work right now. What pisses me off is that EVERYONE now expects me to lead them. I don't want to freaking lead them. Why, because everyone that had experience has been run out of the office into new jobs. R is leaving as of 8/1. L left in February (actually I was not sad to see her go because she didn't know what she is doing). This last week has totally stressed me out. Especially on Wednesday and my ob was not happy at all with my pressures that night. The bottom number was 97. OMG. I wasn't privy to the conversation between new boss and old boss, but she said she told my new boss I was pregnant and had problem pregnancies. I don't think she told him I would be on leave by the end of the year. Either that or he doesn't believe it. The nice thing is he seems to be a really nice guy and wants to work as a team. He learns fast. HE KNOWS COMPUTERS, thank GOD. Friday I got totally pissed off because I was working on several projects at once. At the very end of the day, a PM comes down and says can we get this awarded. Waiting for Counsel to bring it back. I finally asks J to go get it. While she is doing that I start redoing the letters. R starts crazy yelling at me that thank God for J and heaven forbid I do my job. Which I calmly reply back (becuase it is J's job to be goffer and I am not supposed to be running around like an effing crazy person because of pregnancy - he doesn't know that I am pregnant), that I sent him the package in our computer system and while J was getting the package I was retyping the letters. I was not a contracting officer and can not sign it. So who was not doing their job?

My poor new boss said Sabrina is there anything I can help you with? On top of that, the new credit card person decided she did not feel like going to a training conference this week. Did she take the initiative and possibly do a google search for the conference and cancel her own reservations? Umm no. She kept coming to me to do it. Then I was supposed to show them how to do a solicitation announcement on the internet. I waited all fing day for this one girl to get her crap together. I go to put it in finally after the third time where she asks if I am ready and I tell her I have been waiting on her. Only for her not to know what kind of announcement she is doing. At that point I am done. She can freaking learn from watching the video. Credit card manager sat with her and helped her. I refuse refuse refuse to show her anymore stuff. She has been here almost 2 years now and to hear her tell it she has never been trained. I know for a fact our current boss has shown her how to do this stuff on many occasions. She does not take notes and would rather be a social director. Meaning she wants the money of the job because it is a nice grade, but she doesn't want to do the work to get the grade. I am so done with her. If I hear out of her mouth how she can walk out at anytime because she can retire, I am going to say then please retire because you don't know what the hell you are doing here.

Then I find out last week that we are hiring an "asshole" as my old boss put it. Nice impression before you even start work. She said she would have never have hired him. However, she is retiring and won't be here to deal with it. Thanks.

We are also getting 2 interns by the end of September. Fabulous more people to train. I hate hate hate training people. I don't have the patience for it. Maybe I don't have the patience for training older people. I don't have a problem training the new boss, he understands computers.

So this is how work for me is now. The good news is the new boss I think sees me as a partner. Cause on Friday he told me when we do the dredging contracts next year, we need to do an IDIQ and cut delivery orders. HOORAY.

Too bad I won't be around for that if this baby sticks. I am seriously going out on full time work at home or possibly leave and part time work at home. I have the desire to just take it easy. Work isn't worth it if my baby dies again. I see my bps rising. Could be because the placenta is starting to take over now and we all know placentas suck with pe. Could be combination of how work is going.

I have been on my own with the girls for the last two weeks. This is old also. Dh comes home on the 19th and I can't wait. I am so tired of being the only parent. It's hard because I need sleep and I am not getting it. I just wish the next few weeks would hurry up and get here. I told dh when he gets back, I am sleeping for a week.

Oh and a funny, my ob gave me a no travel offsite medical note. Now just WHO will be attending all of these site visits for work?? R used to. I refuse to do ANY travel now. ha ha ha lmao!

9 week 6 day appt

2008-07-18T18:53:00.002-05:00

YEAH!!!!! Who would have thunk it after such a rough beginning. I had my 9 week 6 day appt yesterday. Pretty boring and uneventful which is how I like it. First off I got a freebie. NO EXAM. HOORAY!! The nurse came in and went over some stuff and took my bp. Then she said she was going to let my ob know I was there. Um, ok, but I thought I had the exam today. She said nope. I talked with him about that and he thought it was unneccesary. I had one in January and seeing I was seen in the ER at 6 weeks 1 day and they did one then with the cultures. No more was needed. HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY. Ok, I just hate those gyn exams if you kwim. My ob wasn't whistling yesterday so he wasn't in a fab mood. Usually, he is whistling. When he isn't, he is cranky. Anyway, he has no idea why I have all of a sudden developed this severe allergy to shellfish. I am to STAY AWAY from it. It may or may not go away. He is getting my referral extended. Um why does he always ask me what he needs to do for it. I told him I think he needs to give it to the billing clerk and have her extend it. I'll call her at the end of the month after I check and make sure she has done it. I have to stay on top of it with her cause she is lazy. I swear she ALWAYS gives me a problem and I dislike her very much. She is just so RUDE. I gave him a copy of the current referral. So hopefully he will take care of it.

My bps are good for the most part except the other night. The other night was BAD. 97 on the bottom. He said he didn't like that one at all. The others were good. I was a little worried when the nurse didn't have the doppler with her that he wouldn't try. I was like no way am I letting him get away with that! I kind of was relieved when he came in with the doppler and the gel. WHEW. Then he tried. WOW did he go low. I was like ummm hello. We listened. I heard my heartbeat. I heard the blood rushing through the placenta (sounds like wind). I didn't hear the baby. I finally asked will you please get the US machine. I could feel the panic rising. He went and got it. He found the baby right away. Last time he hunted at 8 1/2 weeks. This time he went right to it, but I guess he had help because he located the placenta with the doppler so he knew where to go.

I could hardly breathe because he would lose it for a second when I did. We saw the heartbeat, within like 5 or 10 seconds he said the heartbeat was 141-145. He said that the baby was moving. I even saw it bounce up and down a couple of times. He said it was twitching its legs and arms. I don't know how he could tell that because baby looked like a blob. It really is amazing how much they change week to week. I wish I could get USs every week. He said it was because of the resolution of his machine, it was so old. His machine he said was 15-20 years old. WOW. I said umm time to upgrade doc. He said a refurbished machine like his that was 15-20 years old ran about 20k. A new machine ran 70k. I said well Dr. W's must have been REALLY expensive because she has a huge plasma on the wall across from it. He said that setup ran well over 100k. HOLY CRAP. Ok, no wonder my insurance pays $500 a visit with her after their discount! He watched the baby intently for a few minutes. I was starting to get worried because he has never watched the baby that long before. However, he said everything was ok and perfect. I told my boss about it today. She said he was probably looking that long because I had a previous loss and she said he was probably just checking out the baby's movements and making sure everything was ok. I hope so. I hate this anxiety. I told my ob that the last baby never moved once on US, just had a heartbeat. He said yeah he knew? This one was moving. Hooray.

He said the anxiety is probably a combination of my loss and being on steroids. He said steroids can wreak havoc on your hormones. However, I figured out today it is a combination of getting close to when we lost the last baby, my upcoming due date, and I would have probably been delivering around now. I still don't feel like we will be coming home with a baby and that terrifies me. My ob says it can't get much more perfect. We talked about a doppler for home use but he thought that would cause more anxiety. However, today, I bought one off Ebay and felt an immediate sense of relief. Sorry, but I can't help it. Even though he has told me I can come in for a heartbeat check at any time, I KNOW that I need something that I can check with when I feel the anxiety and panic come on. So I bit the bullet and bought one. I just hope it works!!!

We scheduled my next appt for 8/7 right before my peri appt. He said they would get me in and out quick. I think the nurse told him I was anxiety ridden. I brought my Ipod with me to help calm me down thinking music would help. I don't know, going to my ob used to be YEAH we get to hear the baby. Now all I do is pray pray pray that there is still a heartbeat. I have so little symptoms. I sit there in the waiting room and exam room praying there is still a heartbeat. There was relief when I saw it yesterday on US. Already within an hour of being there, the anxiety hit with full force. I thought today as I was buying the doppler, a hundred bucks is worth EVERY piece of my mind. I also figured that we could use it and listen to it as a family. This will be my last baby if this one sticks. So I said go ahead and spring for it. So I did. I told dh and he was actually excited. It will probably be here in about a week.

That was about it. See you in three weeks. Oh and bp was 120/88. A bit high on the bottom, but nothing to give my ob a stroke about.

Ok God, I have had enough!

2008-07-15T20:51:00.002-05:00

You may be wondering what I am talking about. I have suddenly developed a shellfish allergy overnight. Nope not kidding. Me. The girl from SC that grew up on fresh shrimp that friends of the family caught and gave to us. Me, the girl that would buy it fresh off the docks. God has a funny sense of humor sometimes. I ADORE seafood. LOVE it. I would eat it every single day if I could and now can't. Heck, I still have a gift card for Red Lobster in my purse! So what happened?

Sunday night I decided on doing an easy dinner. So when I had a break in the migraine, I went to the store and picked some frozen shrimp in a bag up. I thought YUMMY shrimp alfredo. I made it and it was very YUMMY. It was the last thing I ate that night. The next morning I notice on the way to work my arms and everything is covered in a rash that looked like hives. I am NOT a morning person. So no I would not have noticed them earlier while getting dressed. My boss said hmm looks live nerves. As the morning progressed I was feeling worse. I did call for an appt with my pcp and got an appt for 1pm. By 10am, my boss sent me home packing with my laptop. On my way home around 11am, my lips started to swell. I debated on whether or not I should call my pcp and say I need to be seen now. Like a dumbass, I waited till my appt at 1pm.

So I get in. The nurse gets me in an exam room and sees my arms. WOW you got hives. I said I know look at my lips. She said OMG I thought you had been crying. Your lips are swollen. I swear I looked like Angelina Jolie and Goldie Hawn with those collagen lips. Can I ask WHY on earth would ANYONE pay for that? OWWWWW. So she leaves the exam room. She goes to the doc. She told her I didn't want to see a med student. (I'm sorry to any med students out there. However, I pay ALOT for my health insurance and medical bills. It's bad enough I have to go through things with the nurse and the doctor, but I call it at two. Seeing I pay for a DOCTOR that is fully trained, that's who I am going to see. Do not pass me off to a student, intern, resident (ok I know residents and interns are doctors). Point is, I want someone who has done all that. That is why they are my dr. If I wanted to be a guinea pig, I would ship myself off to a public university hospital. Oh yeah and my pcp does not understand that. Ok, rant over with.). My doctor said yeah I know, she hates med students. So then she proceeded to tell her that I had hives all over my arms. My doc says hmm. The nurse says um no you don't understand. Her lips are swelling! Next thing I know, I am getting a shot of Benadryl in one arm and a steroid shot in the other. All before the doc saw me (she was still nursing her son). She came in and said yes, severe allergic reaction. She prescribed prednisone to start the next day with and bendadryl before bed. I was sent on my merry little way. Come home and crashed for three hours.

Then I woke up and more itching. More hives. They are now getting worse. DAMN. The shots wore off. So I go get Kirsten and my inlaws said um, we think you need to call the doc back. So go get Sara and call doc. Go to the ER now. Wow that was an experience. It was actually quite entertaining watching all the commotion. I have NEVER seen it that busy before! People actively puking in bags. Must have been about 10 fractures that came in. All kids. One woman had a steak knife that went through her hand (umm bet she won't be trying to break apart burgers again). In the midst of all the commotion, I notice no one is sitting near me. By this point, I am the itchy and scratchy show. Hives are everywhere. I do notice that people were all by the pukers. Hmmm, itchy scratchy or puking. Me, I would go with itchy.

I finally say out loud that I am not contagious. I am having an allergic reaction and had already been to my doc and got shots. You see this collective, thank God. Now if I were all ya'll I wouldn't be getting so close to the pukers. That's catchy. I finally get called back. Hives popping up before everyone's eye. Finally got a dose of benadryl. Apparently, I should have known the dosages that the nurse gave me in the shots. Does anyone really ask how many mg they are getting? My doc's office finally sent it over. Orders changed to start prednisone immediately and start benadryl in 4 hours and continue every 4 hours for the next few days. I also had to have my mil come and pick me up and take me to Tops. Talk about awkward.

Get home and fil and sil bring my car home from the ER. We had a nice little moment where they told me congratulations, hugged me and said they were hoping this one sticks. I was touched that they cared. Mil has offered that Kmart had expandable/elastic waistline jean shorts on sale for $5. Um yeah, way past that. I started maternity jeans and shorts at um oh about 5 weeks.

Called my ob's office and let them know what happened. They said all meds were safe. They would be marking my file. They said as long as my O2 was good, then baby should be ok too.

BUT, and there is always a but right? I am still so worried about my appt in 2 days. I am terrified that my ob is going to do an US (cause doppler won't get it yet and he knows how I am) and will turn to me and say I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat. There is nothing more that will stop a pregnant woman's heart. I am not even sure if I can bear to even look at the US on Thursday. Thursday is the day for big exam. You know cultures, getting naked (so hate that), pelvic exam. At least he does the heartbeat first. I have been having terrible terrible anxiety. I am convinced that the anxiety combined with stress from work is causing my headaches and stuff. It's not easy for me to admit I may need a little help through the next few weeks with anxiety. As our loss date gets closer, I can't help feeling doom. Then I woke up this morning and the huge boobs I had were GONE. Everything was gone. They returned this afternoon (heartburn and all). I think the deflating was from the Benadryl and steroids. I keep telling myself everything is ok. However, I pushed those thoughts of something being wrong the last time and I should have listened to instinct. I knew. I knew something wasn't right. However, I thought it couldn't happen to me. I had symptoms till I went in for the d&c. So sometimes it is ok to buck up and ask for help. Sometimes it is ok to say I need some help. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. There is no way for him to know this unless I tell him. He's not a mind reader. So I need to just tell him about this anxiety. I need to get that reassurance. I need to see the heartbeat. I'll be the one with my hands over my eyes, but peeking through my hands to see a heartbeat.

I pray all the time and every night before bed for God to let this baby stick full term and let this baby be born healthy, happy, and safe.

Migraines....

2008-07-13T21:08:00.002-05:00

Migraines. I feel bad for people who get these all the time. Before Sara, I used to get them once in a blue moon. Excedrin Migraine and rest, took care of it. After Sara was born, I started getting them. In fact, I had one while still in the hospital with her. They paged my ob. He prescribed Tylenol 3, which made me puke. When I was BAWLING from it, the midwife for the practice happened to be on the floor and changed it to fiorinal. Sweet relief. My ob gave me a rx for it before leaving the hospital and my pcp continued.

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a freaking migraine. Tylenol did NOT work. It was bad, but livable. Spent most of the day and night on the couch. I did manage a few hours in a deck chair in the shade at my inlaws pool for a couple of hours. Of course dh is out of town for the next few weeks (he feels awful by the way). Sick as a dog last night from it. Up all night from it last night and this morning.

Sick today but much worse today. Then added on top of it, that pesky kidney stone decided that now would be a fun time to give me a problem. So I took a lortab. It got rid of the migraine for the most part. It lasted about 4 hours. It came back even worse. So bad I was bawling and threw up from it. So took another one. Again, lasted 4 hours. Guess I'll be putting in a call to the ob tomorrow. If it doesn't get better tonight, headed to the ER. This SUCKS.

9 weeks today!

2008-07-11T09:50:00.002-05:00

Already 9 weeks. Let me tell ya, pregnancy is MUCH better when you are not nauseated or puking every 5 minutes. This is the first time I have ever not been nauseated or puking in pregnancy and it is WIERD. My ob keeps assuring me everything is ok. At least you can have that reassurance when you are barfing. Time seems to be going very quickly.

I noticed today that I am starting to get anxious and I am just going to have to break down and talk with my ob about it on Thursday. I have thought often of buying a doppler for reassurance. I'll be getting a lot of scans and my ob has said I can come in at anytime. I am trying to work through the anxiety. However, stuff that I would do for it, I can't do now because I am on rest as much as possible.....

Dh is gone for the next 6 weeks, so the girls will keep me busy. Kirsten has been a HUGE help with Sara.

Worked has totally sucked. They hired someone as the new chief with NO experience. Passed over a guy with over 20 years of experience. Then they are trying to push out the current chief. I swear the top management in this place are such jerks. An Ex. My boss is not retiring till January. They brought new guy in and already have labeled him as chief and told him to assume all responsibilities. Excuse me, he was brought in to TRAIN for 6 months. So because of this, all of the experienced people are leaving. The assistant chief is leaving 8/3. That leaves ME as the only experienced person in this office. Everyone else is new and needs training. They do have two promotions that are open. I doubt very seriously I will get one of them with all of the crap they have put our office through.

Because of all of the crap, I have been checking my leave. I can go out on full paid leave 11/21 and not return till the middle of May. Pretty much I am holding that as my card. Tick me off and out I go.

The insurance settlement is almost done from the car accident. My lawyer has been negotiating it. The first offer came in WAY WAY more than we ever expected. My lawyer when this started said how much he thought the case was worth. He said they would start low. This would be the high. Well they are already at where he said the case is worth. Which means they see that there is serious injury there. My lawyer countered and they came up 10k. Now we are waiting on final reports from my orthopedist and chiropractor about the outlook of things. Basically, it is what it is. I am 19 months post op. I go in and get a shot every 4 months into my knee to relieve the inflammation and swelling. I will probably be doing this the rest of my life. As far as my shoulder and neck injury, I'll be seeing a chiropractor once a month for the rest of my life too. I still have significant weakness on the right hand side. So, we'll see. The guy had a crappy insurance policy that they only give to people who can't get insurance. At least, it will be enough.

Based on the last offer, which my lawyer said will not be taken off the table and is the minimum I'll get, there is enough to pay off all of our bills except house, cars, utilities, insurance, and daycare. That will be fabulous. A fresh start. There is enough there to fix up the house with some minor repairs. There is enough there to take a FABULOUS vacation to Disney World next year. I have promised the girls I would take them next year. There is a cushion for me taking off work if needed for the new baby. After this part is taken care of, then we have to take care of the remaining medical. Which isn't much. Maybe a $1000. Basically, no fault says they won't pay. However, every few months they send me an explanation of benefits form where they did indeed pay.

The thing I am really happy about with this is that everything is paid except cars and house. That will be a nice feeling to have.

You know it's ok......

2008-07-06T06:19:00.002-05:00

to talk to me and tell me how sorry you are about the baby we lost. It's ok to say how sad it made you to, a future that was snatched away within a few seconds. All of our hopes and dreams with that child gone within a blink of an eye. It's ok to talk about our baby. I may shed a few tears still, but at least I know you care.

This weekend was the first time I had seen everyone on dh's side of the family since we lost the baby. Every one of them knew our baby was here and then gone in the blink of an eye. It's unfortunate, but a week to the day we lost our baby, dh's beloved aunt died. I somehow think that maybe Peyton went to tell her it was ok to let go. She loved babies. She loved my two girls here on earth as if they were her own. Always treated them as if they were her own. I like to think that Peyton is right up there with her sitting on her lap and getting all the love in the world from her because that is just how she was. I didn't attend funeral services for her because I was too devestated over the loss of our baby. Two huge losses within a week's time was too much for me.

So this weekend was the first time that any of dh's family saw me. Not one. Not one person said how sorry they were. Not one person said how they had thought about us and had us in their thoughts and prayers. Not one person asked us how we were doing and if we were ok. Our baby was ignored. As if he never existed. See, he did exist. Only I have the US images in my head. Well me and dh. That's one thing I have made sure of this time. I get a picture with every US. Our baby had a body, ribs, head, arms, legs, feet, and most of all a heartbeat for 9 weeks. No one but us remembers.

People came up to sil and told her how sorry they were she has a heart condition. Her heart condition can be controlled with meds and diet. When she was first diagnosed. Dh called me in a state of panic saying she was near death. They were not sure if she was going to make it. I left work immediately. Imagine my shock when I arrive at the hospital. Is she in the ICU? Umm, nope. Is she so sick that only one member can visit at a time? Um nope. Nope none of that. She is reigning court in the hospital room sitting indian style on the bed with a food tray, tv on, and up laughing and talking with all these people that came to visit. Since when is that close to death? Of course mil and dh, are telling everyone how ill she is (Ok, she was sick but come on), yet she is able to laugh, eat, talk and is no where near an ICU. Many came up to tell her at the picnics that their thoughts and prayers were with her. Many sent her cards. Many said they were sorry to hear that she had gotten sick.

No one said anything to us. No one sent us a card to acknowledge the fact that our child had died from his side of the family. Only close friends, dh's work, and some of my family members did. No one from his side of the family said anything at all, except his uncle when he saw us a few weeks ago. He came up and hugged me and asked me if I was doing ok. Maybe he connected with our baby gone and his wife gone at the same time. He was the ONLY one that did tell us how sorry he was.

Why is it that a minor illness was cause for major concern, yet the death of a baby wasn't? Why is it that everyone told sil how sorry they were she had gotten sick (really she is in no danger of dying as long as she loses weight, changes her diet, and takes her meds), but no one said anything about our child that died? I was really sick when our baby died. Months of antibiotics to cure the kidney infection that took his life. In fact, still battling that issue now with a Urologist. Because I am pregnant now and what happened before, they have had me on antibiotics for the last two weeks. In fact, it's looking like I may stay on them for the duration of the pregnancy. Bedrest afterwards because I was still too ill from the kidney infection, flu, and surgery. I hemmoraged afterwards and had I of not been in a hospital with immediate access to fluids and pit could have died. Thankfully, the nurses got everything under control in a few minutes. Why is it that complete strangers are more acknowleging of our loss than our own family. The ones that are supposed to be there through thick and thin.

I just wanted to say, it's ok to say that you are sorry to. It's ok to say that you have thought of us often. We want to talk about the baby that we loss. Even though we are pregnant again, it doesn't make it easier to know that we would have had a baby within the next month or two. A baby that is now gone.

Because no one said anything about our loss while acknowleging other family members trials and tribulations, we decided to say nothing about this new baby. This new baby that we have fought so hard for with progesterone treatment, antibiotics to keep the kidneys healthy, and bp readings to keep the bps down. In our minds, at this time, they didn't deserve to know at this point. Maybe we will tell them when we are 20 weeks. At the time, when insurance and everyone else recognizes a baby.

Can you believe that one person had the nerve to ask when we were going to have another? She didn't say anything about the baby we lost. Just that were we done and were we going to have another. I was extremely vague and said eventually.

7 weeks 6 days

2008-07-03T18:31:00.002-05:00

I am STILL pregnant. Hooray for me and my little grain of rice. I had another US today at the hospital and had the same tech I had in the ER. I think she worked it that way. :) Baby had a heartbeat of 141 bpm! Baby had grown so much in 10 days!!! She gave us pics and wrote baby on one and hi mom and dad on the other. It's so cool.

Prometrium. You have no idea what I went through to fill this rx. First one I filled at the pharmacy, my insurance only covers 21 a month!! WTH. I need 30! So had my ob change the rx to 21 per fill. Well I can't fill it till the 23rd day after each fill shorting me at least 2 a month. Took it to walmart and found this out. They are sooooo incredibly slow there. I wanted to pop the pharmacist, they acted like it had crack or something in it. Hello it is a female hormone. Anyway, he said it needed preapproval. Told him I had filled the first one with no problem except only 21. Can't fill it till the 12th. Was going to go back and get preapproval. Then I realized, ob doesn't work Wednesdays, holiday week, and I wouldn't get it in time. Had to pick Kirsten up from camp in literally 10 minutes, pharmacist swear was slow as mollasses, so I asked for the rx back and told him I would talk with my ob.

Thought about it overnight. Decided to pay full price for 1st fill (covers shortfalls) and then run through my insurance on the 12th. Pharmacist agreed but only wanted to fill FOUR. Are you kidding me? He said he called the other pharmacy and knew I would not be able to get the rx filled anywhere else with insurance. Actually I took the rx back trying to decide what to do and checked prices online. Walmart was cheapest for out of pocket fill. Told him NO. You will fill the entire rx as prescribed by my DOCTOR. I will pay full price. That way the shortfalls are covered. Oh that sounds like a good idea, but 4 would be cheaper. This is something that irritates the HELL out of me. Since when do people think they can tell me how to spend MY money. I worked for it. I earned it. It is MINE to spend. Why do they NOT do this to my dh. Did I mention I make way more than my dh? I work more hours than dh? Pharmacist reluctantly filled for the full rx. So is there crack or some narcotic in my hormone medication that is being used to make sure my baby makes it and no one has told us? I mean come on. It is progesterone. I think I am going to mention this to my ob. I don't know why the pharmacist was playing Sherlock, maybe that's why he is so slow. He backed off when I told him I was using it to prevent a miscarriage.

Other than that, we have picnic plans for the 4th and 5th of July. My vacation is going by way too fast. New boss starts Monday.

7 weeks 1 day

2008-06-29T08:34:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's been a month almost since my BFP. It's been a whirlwind of bloodwork, USs, and dr appts. Still having some kidney stone pain. Still spilling trace blood and 1+ leukocytes. I am supposed to finish the antibiotic on Wednesday morning. I think if I am still showing blood and leukocytes in my urine that I'll be calling the Urologist on Monday and see if he wants me to go ahead and fill the next rx. That antibiotic is hard on my system. Gives me fluorescent yellow pee, makes me nauseated, and disrupts my digestive system. I also want to know what my urine cultured out.

I got a copy of my Er visit from my pcp. Everything was completely normal except the pink discharge noted by the ER dr on my exam. They ran every blood test known to man practically. I love reading the radiologist's report. VIABLE single intrauterine pregnancy measuring 6 weeks 1day with a heartbeat of 117 bpm. Beautiful words.

Dh is worried about going away to camp now. He wants to stay here because I am on the rest and no lifting restrictions. He says that Kirsten is just going to have to learn to help.We both feel she gets off too easy anyway. It's time she help with some of the chores in the house. So we decided to get some laundry bags so she can drag them up and down the stairs. Seeing dh will be gone (He uses so many freaking towels), it will just be me and the girls. My mil is a laundry freak and is ALWAYS wanting to wash our girls' clothes. Don't ask me why. She just is a laundry freak. So dh said LET HER. She'll be taking them to daycare and camp in the mornings. So she can do a week's worth of clothes for them. Dh is going to get his dad to mow the lawn for us while he is gone since I can't do that either. I always knew I would be on bedrest at the end, but never imagined I would be in the beginning.

Sara's birthday and party were yesterday. Oh she LOVED it. She woke up all excited and stuff. She kept saying my presents and wanting to open them. She loved her cake and all her gifts. She got some beautiful clothes. She got some great gifts. She loves loves the Rose Petal Cottage she got. DH is still putting it together. He'll finish it today. I on the other hand did way too much. Started to have some tiny bit of pink spotting which was my sign to SLOW DOWN. So I tried to get my feet up. Which was made virtually impossible by mil and sil. Mil anytime ANYTHING needed to be done said oh S will do it. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. They don't know I am preggers yet. Dh and I are unsure of when to tell. It's not like we can say wait till 12 weeks because we did that before and still lost the baby after 2 USs that showed a heartbeat. I told him we should just announce to his side of the family at the 4th of July party. That way I can get some help around the house while he is gone. He is still pondering it. Dh is really taking the advice Dr. E, Dr. L, and Dr. G gave to heart with taking it easy. Oh and my bp this morning was 106/71!! Too bad it's not like that during the workweek.

6 weeks 6 days

2008-06-26T17:53:00.000-05:00

Well still no lifting, rest as much as possible, and pelvic rest. Pelvic rest is not a problem though as dh is getting ready to leave for 6 weeks to take the ROTC cadets to camp. All my labs looked great from last week. I am scheduled to go back on the 17th for that first exam appt. He agrees with the ER dr that the spotting was being caused by the progesterone irritating the cervix. I thought he was only keeping me on it till 10-12 weeks. However, he told me today that I would be on it till at least 14-16 weeks. WHOO HOO. This is from the man that said 50% of ob docs thought progesterone was garbage. Thought I would have to argue with him. Well he didn't say he thought it was garbage but he didn't agree with the theory. Maybe another patient will get it easier now.

As far as the stone, drink tons and tons of water to get it flushed out. The stone is on the border at 4mm. He said if the Urologist wants to go in and get it, it won't be till the second trimester. I asked him if I had to have the surgery, how will the baby be monitored? He said that a couple of L&D nurses would be doing doppler tones before surgery, during surgery, and then after surgery. He said the chance of mc was small in the second trimester with surgery. The best thing was to get that stone out by fluid intake. He rewrote my progesterone rx for 21 at a time because my insurance is stupid and won't fill 30 at a time. So it fills 21, then 9, then 21, then 9. I showed him the slip they give you when you pay and it showed 6.3 refills. He said stupid insurance companies, they are a pain. So he rewrote it for 21 and 4 refills. He said he would reevaluate when those were done. Quite frankly, I wouldn't mind staying on it the whole pregnancy lol.

My bp was high in the office. It was 138/90. My readings at home are great. He said he could tell the difference of me working from home and me running into his office from work. Maybe he'll increase that?? He was glad I had already seen the urologist and that I was on antibiotics for the uti. Seeing that they think the severe kidney infection caused my MC, it was imperative to get me on it quick. Oh and he gave me permission to curl up and take some naps. He even offered the exam table with a nice fluffy pillow.

Urology Appointment

2008-06-25T20:07:00.002-05:00

Let me just start by saying that I was NOT a freaking happy camper this morning and I totally got the rug pulled out from under me. So I had consulted a friend or two on what would happen at this type of appt. They all said, oh you will go talk to the doc. He'll review the renal USs. You'll pee in a cup. Well all of that happened. However, my urine showed a raging infection of a UTI. He said it was full of pus and blood. WTF. He said when he talked with the ER dr on Sunday, my urine was clean. Today, BAD BAD URINE. So I had the pleasure of having a catherized clean urine catch to figure out what the heck is causing these infections. The nurse said it would not hurt and would feel like pressure. SHE WAS WRONG. IT HURT LIKE HELL. OMG. That sucked a big one.

Then afterwards they both told me it hurt because I had a bad infection. Yeah, you think? I didn't have problems with burning and pain peeing before I was in the office, but I sure have since. NOT A HAPPY CAMPER. He also suggested surgery to remove the stone. He looked at the USs. The one at the end of April showed a stone in the lower ureter and in the kidney. The US from Sunday showed no stone in the kidney, but the right ureter is dialated. He said that it showed the stone was on the move and in the ureter. He said he could go in and get it. However, anesthesia presents a miscarriage risk (a risk I am unwilling to take and quite frankly, I am SICK of surgery). I really think if I were not pregnant, he would have had my butt in the OR. I have a lot to discuss with my ob. I really don't want surgery, but what if it stays there???? So if I had to get surgery, I want to know how the baby will be monitored and if my ob will be scrubbing in. So I am really worried about it. I have heard kidney stone surgery SUCKS.

So what did happen? I left with a script for Macrobid to be started IMMEDIATELY. That day he said. So I started the script. I shall have nice pretty yellow fluorescent pee for my ob tomorrow. I left with a bunch of paperwork. I have a refill on the Macrobid to keep on hand at home to start as soon as I show signs of infection. I am to keep peeing on a stick to check for blood and leukocytes. I go back in 2 weeks. Lovely. He better not do another damn catheter thing. Can you tell I still am upset about that? I had to take pain medication afterwards all day. I didn't want to! He did offer pain medication, but I told him I just will get it through my pcp.

Saw my chiropractor tonight. Thank God my case is almost settled. I can have them paid off.
I go back in 3 weeks for that.

So I guess I have a lot to discuss with my ob tomorrow. I am worried he is going to want to see me naked to to check my cervix. I swear, I am going to start going to dr appts wearing a robe. That way I can drop it when needed.

DH is getting ready to leave for 6-7 weeks. How can I take it easy when he is going to be gone. I am going to be running after a 3 year old. She exhausts me. I have taken to coming home from work and CRASHING on the couch. So exhausted. Drs have me on pelvic rest (um yeah like that was going to happen) and taking it easy. Dh and Kirsten have been helping. I have not been carrying loads of laundry upstairs. Sara is not getting picked up as much. well, I have had to let my house go and learn to live with mess. I think in the next couple of months, we are going to have to hire some help to help us with the house. I can't do it and it will be too much for dh.

I get worried by the lack of symptoms. The sore boobs comes and goes. The exhaustion is always there. I have heartburn that is worse some days than others. Thankfully, no nausea and no vomiting. WHOO HOO. Food is a friend and not a foe.

Good news is my bp is looking fantastic. Only bad readings were taken in Dr. E's office and once right after work.

29300 HCG and a Heartbeat of 117

2008-06-22T20:04:00.003-05:00

PERFECT. Last night and today I had some spotting. A little tiny tiny bit of red streaked mucous and pink, then brown. If you have ever had a MC, any tiny dot of spotting freaks you out. I tried resting last night. Till I started cramping a bit this morning. Add on to it a possible kidney stone. My right side of my back felt like it was on fire and HURT. So I called my ob. I don't know what that man was doing at 8am, however, there was a TON of loud clanking going on in the background. He told me pelvic rest immediately and go on to the ER. Was he really going to tell me no? The ER staff was really really good. Except the part where the dr said most of her kidney stone patients are usually writhing in pain. She offered lortab for that which I declined. Anyway, take 5 tubes of blood, hook up iv, get me in for us. US took FOREVER. I think they scanned my entire back and belly. The heartbeat part was LAST. No stone in my kidney but my right ureter is mildly dialated. Since I am preggo, I couldn't get a cat scan to see it better.

The baby US was hard. It was the longest 10 minutes of my life. The tech's face was unreadable. She finally turned the monitor, there's the heartbeat. There is the baby. There is only one. Baby measured dead on for dates. From what I researched, heartbeat at 6 weeks is 90-115. My baby's was 117. YEAHHHHHH!

So all in all good news. I just couldn't stand not knowing. Diagnosis, possible kidney stone in right kidney and threatened mc. They thoroughly explained the threatened mc part, which I already knew from Sara. I was discharged with seeing my ob this week for follow up and getting a referral to a urologist. The nurse didn't explain that, just the seeing my ob. I stopped at the desk and asked about who is this dr. The dr I had said it was the urologist that had followed my case???? Um ok. Oh and the US tech gave me 2 pics of the lovebug. It may look like a grain of rice, but it is MY grain of rice.

So just take it easy. Pelvic rest, umm yeah like THAT is going to happen before the 1st trimester is over with. Follow up with these docs. A load off of my mine. Bp was beautiful. 129/80 when I got there. Then after the US and before I left 123/67.

We are having a Valentine's Day baby!!!!!

2008-06-21T17:41:00.002-05:00

I was so worried about being due 2/13/09 (Friday the 13th). Nope, my ob said 2/14/09. YEAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Course I will probably never make it that far. So here is my ob visit:
It went well. He said umm no lmp? I said nope. He said that's ok. So he did his little wheelie thing. I'm having a VALENTINE'S DAY BABY!!!! EDD is 2/14!!!!!! At first he said 2/28, but then I said umm did you forget the 2 weeks before O??? He said OH YEAH. So then he did it based on a conception date on 5/23 to be on the safe side (cause opks are good for 24-48 hours). So I am 5 weeks 6 days today. He changed me to the prometrium oral to be done vaginally. No problem and gave me 6 refills. 200mg capsules. My progesterone went from 6.8 to 15.2!!!! YEAH FOR ME. So I said to him, um you think the progesterone is working?? He said it looks like it in theory. LOL, he isn't giving up on that! He said we will do another test at my next appt to check my levels.

So I am really excited!US - he wanted it done at 9-10 weeks. I want it done at 8. So he said I could do it then. 1) so dh can be there (he leaves for 6 weeks on the 8th! 2) because I'll get the hospital one at 8 weeks, my appt with him is on the 17th at 10 weeks and he'll do one in the office, one with the peri at 12 weeks, another with him at 14 weeks, and another with my peri at 17-18 weeks and then the big one at 20 weeks - so basically every 2 weeks. Then I will get another one at 24 weeks and every 2 weeks after that for growth. So it is scheduled 7/3. I have to call and schedule the one with the peri at 12 weeks. He gave me a one day a week work at home. My bp SUCKED today - 130/100. He was not happy with the bottom number but let me fly by because it was 130/84 at my pcp's 2 weeks ago. I have to check it twice a day and log the numbers. I am to call him if it goes over 100/105 consistently. He was hoping it was my anxiety today.

Told him the best pregnancy tests to recommend. Told him FRER and Clear blue Easy digital. Um, I think he is on to my little addiction, lmao. Was very worried about the lack of nausea and he said it was normal. However, if I wanted to be nauseated he could prescribe something. Ummm, no thanks. He reassured me that it wasn't a sign of impending doom. He said he was really surprised at how high my hcg levels jumped. He said they were EXCELLENT. He said I saw they were like 3800, then looked and said nope 3409, but that was really really good. He prescribed an epi pen (Cause I am severely allergic to bees). I was going to have my pcp do it, but he wrote it out for me. He said it would not be good to get stung. He said anaphalatic shock and pregnancy DO NOT MIX. He prescribed the prometrium, work at home note, folic acid, prenatal vitamin (they smell like vanilla, yum). I came out with a stack of rxs. So I have an US on 7/3. OB appt on 7/17. I need to schedule my peri appt at 12 weeks. Good appt. Oh and I almost passed out giving blood. But a little juice revived me. Please pray that this one keeps sticking.

So I have been taking my bp. After work it was 124/90.... At 10 pm, 117/76!!!! This morning 112/87. Seems like the really high bp was from anxiety from being in my ob's office and I am really glad that he instantly recognized it.

Still not really feeling much. Just some odds pains here and there. Pretty tired. Heartburn. NO NAUSEA or PUKING. My belly is growing though. This is so wierd. Oh and I pee quite a bit.

HCG update....

2008-06-16T11:30:00.002-05:00

11-12 dpo - 35
13 -14 dpo - 65 86% increase 48 hours
17-18 dpo - 284 109% increase 48 hours

22-23 dpo - 3409!!!! OMG!!!!!!!! A 170% increase!

Can you say happy dance! I think we may have a sticky baby here. Crossing all my crossables. I am now above average for hcg. At this level, we should be able to see a baby in there. I was worried because I am not puking and have always been sick as a dog with nausea and puking. OMG I can't believe it!! I was hoping for 1100 and praying for 1800 as a doubling increase. My progesterone is not back yet. However, the nurse said it should be ok seeing I am on supplementation. Thank God I demanded to have that tested and got put on it. It's still hard to believe we actually be bringing a baby home this time.

My first ob appt is on Thursday. Aside from bad cases of heartburn, dizziness and lightheadedness, and exhaustion, I am doing ok. I am doing the thank God for no puking and nausea. Everyone says this one is going to be a BOY. ha ha ha. Others are saying twins, umm please, we are happy with one.

Can't believe my prayers were answered. I have been constantly praying and worrying...

All the prayers were heard...

2008-06-10T19:37:00.002-05:00

Yes, all those people and friends praying for a sticky baby, our prayers were heard. 1st beta at 11-12dpo - 35. 2nd beta at 13-14 dpo - 65 and 3rd beta at 17-18 dpo - 284!!!!!!!!! More than quadrupled in 4 days!! Doubling time of 45 hours. Nurse said it was excellent!!! My ob was gone that afternoon and is out tomorrow (lucky guy). However, she will leave a note for another progesterone and quant and I will probably do it on Friday. Keep appt for Thursday of next week. I feel like I get to join a special club or something!!!

This nurse is the one that knows my history and has been working with me. I told her that I had talked to Dr. E on Friday about the low progesterone. She said through the office and I said no. She said I should have called the office. I said S I did! The nurse that I talked with cut me off and told me she was not going to argue progesterone supplementation with my ob even though I had a KNOWN low progesterone problem. S said WHAT? I said yeah. So I got very upset knowing that a pregnancy can not be maintained witha 6.8. That level you will miscarry. So I called Dr. L and of course she did the I am not stepping on toes. She told me to have Dr. E paged because they were worried that I was so upset that I would cause another miscarriage. I told S that I paged him and he immediately agreed and even had to find a pharmacy to make it for me to start Friday night. She said but we call that in all the time. I said this nurse refused to do anything about it. She asked me who it was. I said I thought it was ... She said they didn't have a nurse by that name. Was it??? I said it could be. However, I was in tears all day on Friday because I KNOW progesterone would help me. She said if that happened again to talk with her.

She said it looks like for now that baby is sticking! I am so freaking excited. Finally out of that darkness and awful club!

Need lots of P&PTs today

2008-06-09T10:24:00.001-05:00

I go in for my third blood draw today. I am a nervous wreck. I can't help it. I am so worried that I will miscarry AGAIN. My progesterone does not make me feel any better either. Please pray for good numbers.

I am definitely pregnant

2008-06-07T17:44:00.002-05:00

However, it is making me insane with worry. I keep peeing on sticks to see if they are getting darker. My first beta at 12 (maybe even 11) dpo was 35. Second beta was 65 done exactly 48 hours later. I would have liked to have seen 70+, however, 65 is completely acceptable. My progesterone though SUCKED at 6.8. This is not high enough to sustain a pregnancy and of course I was in tears. It should have been at least 10. I told the nurse ( a new one that I have never dealt with before) that she must talk to my ob and get me on progesterone supplements. She said she would. She called me back and said no supplementing my ob didn't believe in it. I said but that is so low. It can't sustain it. She said she was not going to argue progesterone supplementation with my ob.... This DEVESTATED ME. I was going to see if I could talk with my ob when I picked up my lab slip but his office was closed. So then I tried calling my pcp's office. Left 5 messages. Was near hysterical. Was bawling my eyes out. Nurse finally calls me back and says tell me everything I don't understand. I explain to her that progesterone is vital to pregnancy. That a level as low as mine is destined to miscarry. She says doc will not order it for me because she didn't want to step on my ob's toes. Of course this made me hysterical. She said talk me through it. What did the nurse for him say. I told her. She said A) it sounds like she didn't press it with him. B) She didn't make it seem important. She said this is what you are going to do because you are so upset right now. She said you are going to have him paged. You are going to explain how upset this has made you and demand that supplement. In the meantime, I am going to talk with pcp. So I did that. He didn't sound to thrilled that I paged him for it, but as the nurse said, the only thing I had to lose was my baby. I told him he may not believe in it, but I do and I wanted to be on it. I had to be on it THAT night. He readily agreed. 50% of ob docs say it is garbage (guess which one he is in) however, if I wanted it he would order it. I have seen too many stories from women with recurrent mc that it works. It won't work for a baby that is not viable. Meaning chromosomal issue. BUT, it does work for a baby that can make it and needs a bit of help to get to the second trimester. I told him this was the only chance my baby had and I needed to be on it. I couldn't lose ANOTHER baby again. This was something that could be corrected. He spent half an hour researching the dose and trying to find a pharmacy to make it. He ordered a compounded prometrium suppository.

So I run to the pharmacy which is closing soon. They make it for me. Insurance doesn't cover it. GREAT. I'll pay for it. $55. The pharmacist told me to use these for now (which was a low dose at 25mg) and then when I have my appt on the 19th (if I havn't lost the baby by then) and have him change it to prometrium oral capsules. I can take those orally or vaginally. So I decided to take 2 suppositories a day. Double the dose. I plan to switch to the oral pill which is covered by my insurance company when I see my ob. He'll write a new rx when I see him. I didn't want to bug him again.

PLEASE PRAY THAT THIS BABY MAKES IT. I am so so worried. It's note easy for dh. Kirsten we both were ready. He was more pushy though. Sara he pushed me into. I am the one pushing here for our last baby. He is leaving for a business trip for 6-7 weeks this summer. Which means end of August/September before we try again. If lose this one too, I am requesting a referral to an RE.

So far I think I may be having some symptoms but they could be from the prometrium. I have been so nauseated today and tired. My boobs have hurt pretty bad today but are not big. I keep peeing on sticks. They appear to get darker. The ones this morning were really dark, but my urine was really concentrated. I think I am going to stop doing that. It only increases my anxiety now. I have had positive tests for a week now. I know it can go either way, but at least I know I did everything I could. I have pretty much been on the couch all day. I think I would have felt much better with my progesterone higher. However, we caught it early at less than 4 weeks. My level was taken at 12 (maybe 11 dpo). So I am hoping that since we caught it so early that maybe these suppositories will help. Whoever knew I would be willing to shove those things up there twice a day to have a baby. Hopefully, I can go off of them around 14-16 weeks. Again, if I get that far. Ohhh I feel a bit of heartburn. Bring on the pukies.

Well I have never gotten one this early....

2008-06-02T05:50:00.002-05:00

Yes, I got a BFP yesterday at 10 DPO with afternoon urine... OMG. The girls on my loss board demanded pics. I took 3 different brand tests. All have a second line. I took more tests this morning. The line came up immediately although faint. Took a digital and it says pregnant. Woke dh up for him to read the digital. He said are you going to keep taking tests? Um yeah. I want a nice big fat dark line. I am terrified, scared, and excited all at the same time! 4 out of 5 tries are first time tries. Wow. Now let's pray that this baby sticks. I don't have a LMP to give my ob. I do know when I O'd based on an OPK. Guess he'll have to give me a US to determine a due date. WHOOPSIE. He was going to give me an early one anyway to make me happy.

I will probably call my ob's office first thing Thursday morning since that is the day that AF was due. Set up an appt (HOPEFULLY FOR NEXT WEEK) and get a blood draw done for HCG and Progesterone. Although, Sara is sick. I am seriously considering asking my pcp to draw one. My ob does surgery on Monday, is in the office on Tuesdays, off on Wednesdays. So I was going to call on Wednesday, but the nurses can't authorize the blood draw. I am pretty sure the midwives don't want to touch me.....

Please pray that this one makes it and is born healthy, safe, and full term.

9 DPO

2008-05-31T11:59:00.002-05:00

Well another person on my June board is pregnant. Her story was interesting. Her dh was hospitalized and she was Oing. First month of trying and one 5 minute tryst in the hospital and 2 weeks later a positive test. If it could only be that easy for me. A girlfriend of mine emailed me this morning and said my chart looked awesome and possibly triphasic. I terrified of getting my hopes up. I think I have symptoms, but heck when don't I think I have symptoms. I did test this morning with an early internet test. BFN.

Exhausted

2008-05-27T15:12:00.002-05:00

OMG I am so tired. I was a lazy mazy yesterday and pretty much spent the whole day on the couch. I wasn't sick or anything, just tired. Same thing today. It's that bone tired exhaustion you get when pregnant. It's happening at the same DPO as it did with Peyton. I also "think" my boobs are feeling fuller and sore. I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up. However, it seems like everyone I know is getting pregnant. FOUR girls in my group on the loss board have gotten BFPs since Friday! Another girl that lost her babies the same day as me, yep, she is pregnant too! SO it only seems fair that my time is coming right? Did I mention that when I went to buy OPKS and pregnancy tests, they were out of stock of first response hpts and Answer OPKs strips. Is EVERYONE in town trying to get pregnant right now???

We lived in Belgium for almost three years and there is a legend there. There are brass monkey statues all over the city of Mons where we lived. The legend is that if you rub the monkey's head and make a wish, you will get pregnant. All I can say is that I rubbed the monkey's head with Kirsten and Sara and it worked and they stuck. I did not rub the monkey's head with Peyton and he didn't stick. I know of a woman that had been going through infertility for 10 years. She rubbed the monkey's head and boom she was pregnant a month later. She went on to deliver a healthy baby girl. She was there miracle baby. So when we left Belgium, dh's unit gave him a monkey on a plaque. I have been rubbing that monkey's head ever since I remembered the legend last week. I know how sad, but every bit works right.

I also disregarded the aspirin theory in recurrent miscarriage. Turns out that in the big IVF clinics, they don't even use it anymore. In a study they did, 41% without aspirin got pregnant. 29% with aspirin got pregnant. That 11% was a big enough difference to stop taking it. I will go back to taking it again at 6 weeks like I did with Sara.

So cross all your crossables for me!

Memorial Day weekend

2008-05-26T06:13:00.002-05:00

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!! Thank you to all of our soldiers and vets out there. Dh is a vet too! This weekend has been busy! Today I am 4dpo. I am not feeling a thing.... Hmmm. Too early. I am wide awake and have been since 5am. That is unusual for me. I want to go weedeat the yard really quick, but my neighbors may kill me if I do. We went to the local themepark yesterday to get our season passes. An hour long wait. Can you believe that?? Well we intend to make great use out of them! It also has a waterpark attached to it. Kirsten talked me into spending a couple of hours there. So I rented a wagon for Sara and off we went to ride rides. Kirsten wanted to ride all of the roller coasters and be flung upside down. Ummm thanks, but no thanks. I prefer to keep my feet firmly on the ground.

So Sara and I sat on a bench and watched her. Sara was thrilled with rollercoasters and made her desires known that she wanted to go on them too. So we let her get on the little kids rides which she loved! When Kirsten was on the rollercoasters, Sara would scream, I save you Kirsten!!! She was afraid Kirsten would fall. Awww, sisterly love!

Yesterday was a big day on the loss board I visit. 4 BFPs. Gee I hope they don't take all the quota! I am excited for them. I just hope I get to join that little club soon! It makes me sad that I am not there yet. I can't believe it's been three months and I am not pregnant yet. Well I was but miscarried AGAIN because it was too soon. I know we will get there, but I want it now and shouldn't have to wait. Unfortunately, God has other plans for me.

One thought crossed my mind that the summers are always swamped with babies (teachers planning summer babies). Maybe God wanted to take a little time so that in the dead of February, my ob would have all the time in the world to manage a complicated case like mine. In addition, not to mention I won't have to deal with a brand new intern first day on the job in July. So ok, let's get on with it...

When I went to the store a couple of weeks ago, they were out of O tests?? Can you beleive that? Does that mean that there are a lot of women ttc right now in town??? I mean not one store. EVERY store is either out of pregnancy tests or O tests. What the heck is up with that??? I had to hit a Rite Aid pharmacy cause the grocery store was out, Walmart was out, and Kmart was out... Makes you wonder. If I get a positive this month, I'll be asking my ob if there was a rush on new pregnancies this month. He'll get a kick out of that...

One wierd symptom for me - nosebleeds. Guess what happened this morning.... Yep had a nosebleed. I am putting it to the dryness of the summer air. Ok, I know I am telling myself that.

2 DPO

2008-05-24T13:08:00.002-05:00

Well I definitely O'd this time. My temps are on the way up. Especially if you throw out the one from O day where I was running a fever at 5am on tylenol. Not sure where my coverline will be. I am really hoping this month will be it. I secretly hope it is. Dh who has been wishy washy about trying again after having such a devestating loss is totally on board this month. He even said afterwards, there you are now impregnated. When he said it before, I really was. It seemed like even though O fell on a Thursday, God made things happen so we can get the time to dtd in. As sad as it sounds, if I hadn't of gotten Strep, I would not have been home on Thursday when DH got home. So we got a bd in on late Tuesday night (2 days before O), day of O (DH raced back from KY for it), and the morning after O ( I would have been at work but was home due to still being contagious). I was able to lay still for an hour afterwards each time. So keep your fingers crossed. We REALLY need this. By the time, I go back to work, I'll already be 5 DPO. How exciting. By the time the following weekend is done, 11 DPO. I have 50 early internet HPTs that measure at 10mIU/ML. So hopefully it will WORK this time. The O that I thought I had on 5/2 was a major fakeout. My temps did not rise and I got frustrated and quit temping.

DH has planned our entire weekend out already... Tonight we are going to a coworkers house. I made brownies. Of course, the girls TOTALLY protested, so I had to make a second batch... Kirsten has a birthday party to attend to tonight. Then they are going to grandmas cause we don't know when we will be back.

Today is a BEAUTIFUL day outside. Simply gorgeous. Gives me hope for a better day....

Tomorrow, DH wants to go to the drive in to see some movies. It's about an hour away, however, it is fun. We get a pizza. Bring drinks and snacks. The girls sleep in the back of the explorer when they fall asleep. We also have a bbq to go to as well. I have a feeling we may be picking up some extra riders for the drive in. I finally got the bullentin board and marker boards back up to keep track of appts. They kept falling off the wall. It's the one thing dh does NOT touch.

Then Monday, I am sleeping. I feel like I have been on vacation all week. Since I was quarantined because of the strep, I did some work from home instead.

So keep your fingers crossed and hopefully in 10-12 days we get the answer we are looking for....

Oh and I have NO idea what to tell my dr so he can date everything. Guess he'll have to send me for a US, which he was going to do regardless. Technically, there has been no period since the middle of April. I am not in the least bit upset about that. It's his job to figure those things out for me. Since it has been such a crazy and wild ride, I had to write all that stuff down for him. I'm just hoping to get back in that club again..... It's not a nice feeling looking in from the outside.

kAn Update of Sorts...

2008-05-22T18:32:00.005-05:00

Well I think I know where AF is. No, I am not pregnant as much as I would LOVE to be. However, I discovered that I was ovulating today. Since AF was nowhere to be found and since April, I have been testing with hpts and opks. All negative except for a surge that happened 5/1. I think what I thought was ovulation was actually my body gearing up to O and not following through. My temps stayed flat for three days afterwards. I got frustrated and quit temping.

I kept noticing a lot of eggwhite cm this week. I was quite confused when my temps took a nosedive two days ago. Since I am a pee on a stick aholic, I noticed a surge starting 2 days ago on the opk. Sure enough, I got a positive yesterday morning. So DH and I dtd Tuesday night. Then he went out of town at 1am yesterday morning. My positive was at 5am. So I called him and told him to hurry his butt home today. Well I guess God had plans for us. Cause I promptly came down with a raging case of Strep Throat!!! So I ended up coming home early to see the PA at my pcp's office. As a side note, Dr. L had a healthy baby boy on 5/24. He weighed 6lbs 7ozs and had a HEAD FULL OF BLOND HAIR. My doc and her dh have very dark hair, so THAT is interesting. Anyway. Saw the PA and my left tonsil is enormously swollen and covered in pus. Lovely. My rapid strep test came back positive immediately. I didn't have symptoms until Tuesday night!!! I started running a fever Tuesday night. Even with Tylenol every 4 hours for pain and fever, I was still running a fever. The PA faxed my rx to the pharmacy. As a funny note, the nurse asked me how the TTC thing was going right now. I told her well we lost the last one at 5 weeks last month. However, I am Oing TODAY. So when she came back in the exam room to say that I definitely had strep (this was after she nearly gagged me to death), she said no kissing the dh today and tonight. I told her I didn't need to kiss dh to make a baby. The poor PA was like WHAT?? Apparently, the girls havn't indoctrinated her yet in our crassness. LMAO. So, I went home to sleep for a few hours.

The PA wanted to give me something for pain. However, motrin is out due to trying to get preggo. She was going to prescribe Tylenol 3. However, I told her I had the l.o.r.t.a.b. script at home already and that was approved as a painkiller by my ob. She said to take that instead cause it had the tylenol component. I was surprised that she wanted to prescribe something that strong. Too bad about the motrin cause I broke down to take it this morning and it worked FABULOUSLY.

Guess who was home when I got home?? DH was. So we dtd and hopefully caught an eggie. He raced home 10 hours just so we could catch the egg. How sweet. He was doing it more for me this time with ttc. However, now he is completely on board with it.... YEAH...

So we will probably dtd tomorrow morning and night just to cover our bases. FF has thrown out today's temp due to fever. So I have no idea what my cover is. I am guessing 97.77 because that is the average of the 3 temps plus .01. It was 97.75 in March. So keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for us. Oh and I think I released the egg around 330 or 4. I had a horrible pain on the right side reminiscent of O pain. It lasted for a few minutes then was gone.

I am hoping that being sick my immune system is lower and will easily allow that eggie to be caught. I just realized with Kirsten, Sara , and Peyton I was sick each time they were conceived. With Kirsten, it was strep. With Sara, it was bronchitis. With Peyton, a severe sinus infection. So maybe that's just what we need. A lower immune system.

And last, please keep a girl from my June Babies board in your prayers. She found out yesterday that she lost her baby. She was 15 weeks 4 days and the baby measured 13 weeks 4 days. She is going through with a D&C tomorrow. I have tried to help her as going through it myself and hope I have been able to help her. She is understandably devestated. I hate seeing someone else go through what I went through.

Here's a poem someone posted on my loss board that I just love:

A Different Child Poem by Pandora MacMillian
People notice
There’s a special glow around you.
You grow Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father’s eyes.
And if sometimes Between the smiles
There’s a trace of tears,
One day You’ll understand.
You’ll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother’s tears
Another father’s silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
“I know how you feel.
I’m only here
Because my mother tried again.”

Still no answers....

2008-05-18T08:02:00.000-05:00

Still no af and still no BFP as of this morning. I am 15 or 16DPO.

Totally and Utterly Frustrated

2008-05-18T07:59:00.002-05:00

and ready to cry. Let me preface this by saying it is not my intent to hurt anyone's feelings. I KNOW I have a lot to be grateful for. I have 2 living children that are absolutely beautiful and I know that. I am so frustrated. I am one of those people that have a type A personality. If I am intent on getting something, I usually do. I can always figure out a way to make it happen or do what I need to do to get it. I don't really know what it is like to fail at something, till now. I hate it. This is something that I can not control and have to learn patience with. This is not something I can force to happen as much as I want to. This is something that will take time. I don't like it at all. All I want is one more child. The one more child to make our family complete. I already have enough problems with pregnancy at the end due to blood pressure and preeclampsia. Those that don't know my story, I almost died with my first daughter. She was fine, but I became very ill and was in the MICU on L&D with her. Most women go in and have a baby. I didn't. I became very ill to the point my kidneys were starting to fail, my liver was about to explode, and my blood was not clotting. I spent 4 days on L&D with a nurse at my beside making sure I didn't seize or stroke out or both. Both of us came out of it fine, but the experience had me freaked about ever being pregnant again. It took over 5 years to get the courage up for Sara.

With Sara, I spent most of the pregnancy in bed. I missed major milestones with Kirsten. Her first soccer goal... I missed most of the summer because even after an emergency induction with Sara for severe pregnancy induced hypertension and fetal decels, I was on bedrest afterwards as well. I was on bedrest afterwards for the PIH, and complications from delivery to include clotting, severe uterine infection, ecoli, and retained parts, etc. Had an emergency d&c and recovered slowly. On top of that I have endometriosis and adnenomyosis (endo in the uerine wall). Which leaves every period as h*ll on earth. After consulting with an endo specialist last year, my choices were: Lupron - not going to do as it puts you in temporary menopause and has bad long lasting effects, another lap if not pregnant by 6 mos, hysterectomy, conception. Since we wanted another child, we chose to persue conception. Got pregnant immediately with Peyton, whom we lost at 13 1/2 weeks. Following that loss I had clotting issues again and bad complications from the d&c.

I have always gotten pregnant very quickly. Kirsten was a first try, Sara was a second try, Peyton was a first try, the chemical pregnancy was a first try. So I guess this upcoming round will be the second try. I know there are many women on here that have it much worse. I just need a whine day. I know absolutely that we want another child. It's not enough that I have to worry about dying. It may seem dramatic but it is true. I do have excellent drs that will take no chances. If I didn't have that team, I would not even be trying. I have an awesome perinatologist, obgyn, and pcp. The preeclampsia can be managed by serial bloodwork, USs, 24 hour urine tests, bpps, NSTs. I have a plan mapped out for that with my drs. I fully intend to comply with bedrest at 26 weeks (which is when they think I will be out completely). My ob has promised me serial blood draws, early USs, told me I can come to the office for heartbeat checks whenever I feel the need for them.

I live 45 mins between 2 regional children hospitals with high level NICUs.Why this and why me? Havn't I paid enough? Why not the drug addicts and the ones that don't give a d**n about their kids??I try to think that there is a bigger plan out there for me. I realized that with another month that goes by that is more leave for me to be out on if it is needed. I planned on 3 mos off after baby is born. Right now I can have 6-10 weeks off on full paid leave before baby is born (depending on when I would deliver 36-40 weeks). I try to think maybe God is teaching me patience. I just wish I didn't have to learn all these lessons and it could be easy.

I had it all planned. Everything was falling into place. I was pregnant. I had gotten approved for work at home due to my pregnancy complications. I was offered a job three times and turned it down. A better job with more pay. I turned it down because of pregnancy. I was worried about additional stress. They even told me they would wait for me. They arranged to have another announcement go out in April. I was to apply again. They were going to stretch out the times so that I could be hired at the end of July and start in November. However, I lost the baby. That job while it was advertised, well I didn't apply for it. Now that is all gone too. I do have a good chance for a job in my current agency. There are two promotions coming open in my office that I will be applying for. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for that. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. I just want one more child for our family to be complete. I want to have a healthy and happy pregnancy. Then when that baby is out, I am scheduling the hysterectomy. That's all I want. It's very simple. How come it is not coming out that way?

Oh Where Oh Where Could My BFP Be????

2008-05-15T19:11:00.002-05:00

Do you know where? Cause I got all the signs for a BFP and it is not showing up yet. This better not be another chemical pregnancy. UGGGH. I even went and bought MORE HPTs. I bought First Response and not a second line to be found. Usually, by this point, I am doubled over with cramps from the adenomyosis and severe lower pelvic and back pain. NONE. Is God taking it easy on me this month? AF is due tomorrow. I thought for sure if I bought the First Response tests, AF would show up. Nope, no where to be found. Yet, I have heartburn from hell, nausea waves all day, exhaustion, diareah (tmi I know. Apparently, when your progesterone goes up, this can happen. It can also happen before AF. However, not for the last two days!), hot, lots of EWCM and creamy CM, a high soft cervix, irritable, sore boobs and nipples, spotting between 5-10dpo. A wierd thing, my scars from the laps that I have had started hurting today. They have not hurt since I was pregnant with Peyton. So I am either having one heck of a nasty PMS trip or I am pregnant. So where is my BFP. Is it hiding on me? Surely not two different brands of tests.....I even had concentrated urine this morning and afternoon. NOTHING. I can imagine a second line. But it is my imagination.

Fertility Friend says the average for a BFP is 13.6 days out of their 200,000 charts. So, I guess it could still be out there. I am right in there at 13 DPO. But if it is will it just show positive soon please. Let's get the show on the road one way or another. I am sick of waiting. I want my baby. I want my uterus to come out when the baby is born. So let's get with it.....

My baby girl is no longer a Brownie Scout. She bridged to Juniors tonight. I can't believe how fast they are growing up!!!!!

12 DPO and no sign of af or positive HPT

2008-05-14T11:03:00.002-05:00

I know still early. I am so confused and wish I had never had that silly blood test. All it has caused is excessive worry. So I am having TONS of CM. What the heck is up with that??? I thought you dried up before AF. At least I don't remember THIS much. This reminds me of when I was pregnant. I had the WORST heartburn mixed with nausea yesterday afternoon. It was truly awful. What caused it - water. This is what I had yesterday - water, mountain dew, dr. pepper, a beef souvaki sub (only beef, feta cheese, and greek dressing, and bread), grilled shrimp skewers, rice, and mashed potatoes and gravy. So what caused it. It was awful. I took pepcid and went to bed early.

I have been going to bed early the last 2 nights. Tell the truth, I need a nap now. I am so tired. I have the following: Constipation, tons of cm, exhaustion, nausea off and on, sore boobs and nipples, irritable, leaky boob with colostum??, feel hottish and like running a fever, had spotting from days 5-10dpo (disappeared as quick as it appeared), no signs of my endo, wierd uterine twinges, cramping but it is like pressure not pain, fuller boobs (busting out of the big bra here). If it is not pregnancy, then I sure do have a bad case of PMS.

Tested this morning with concentrated urine, BFN. I still have time. FF says avg is 13.6 dpo for a positive. I used a dollar store test this morning. It's cheaper on my budget. Will test this afternoon or tonight again.

A friend of mine says she knew when she implanted with her two. She said she got a faint positive 4 days after implantation. I am guessing if I am, that I implanted on day 10. That could make sense with my increase of symptoms in the last two days. I read that HCG shows up in blood serum 36-48 hours after implantation and 48-96 hours in urine after implantation.

Keep your fingers crossed. I would love to still get a BFP. After last month, anything is possible.

11 dpo and negative blood test

2008-05-13T15:42:00.002-05:00

So I called the ob's office today and my test was negative. Can someone PLEASE explain to me why when a patient calls the dr's office (specifically ME), the nurse won't give me my numbers? I realize I am not a dr. I realize I did not spend years of schooling. As a patient, I have a RIGHT to know those numbers. So I call, and the nurse said DR. E says it is negative. Ok, how negative was it 0? No it was negative. Is there a number? Dr. E says it is negative. So I get off the phone. Then I called back because I have a right to know the number. I paid for the blood test. Again several times she tells me Dr. E says it is negative. Umm ok. TELL ME THE NUMBER. Finally I get the number, she says it says less than 1. Thank you. How hard was that???

My online TTC buds say don't count myself out yet. It ain't over till af shows. But still I am fairly certain with THAT low of a number, I am out. But, from what I read, HCG is not made till after the egg implants. If I had implantation bleeding till yesterday. It is very possible I implanted at day 1o. I have the worst case of heartburn ever. I checked my cervix. It is pretty high (should be low), but it is firm. I have had exhaustion and nausea. I don't feel the endo coming on (WIERD). I had tugging/pulling/mild cramping since 2 DPO. I really think I am. Everything is saying no right now. So I went to the Dollar store and bought 20 tests. I am going to be testing with HCG tests and then also O tests. That way, I catch it either way. I would like to prove something to the nurse cause that totally irritated me by that conversation. Wouldn't it be nice, uh Ms. Nurse. Could you explain how I have a positive HCG urine test today and negative bw last week?? Oh and I bought 50 each of OPKs and HCGs today too. Gosh I hope that blood test is WRONG.

I also will be discussing with my OB about having a note written into my file that they just need to give me numbers when I request them or else! Anyway, next O date is 5/30. Uggh. I hate this. It's hard enough to get my dh on board with this and it is getting tiring doing this every month!!!

I did check out some dr infertility sites. Blood tests are not accurate for positive till 8-12 dpo. It is not accurate till the egg implants. Implantation is 6-12 DPO, so it really could still be too early. So I really could be until AF shows. Look at what happened last month! I would not be this way if that had not have happened. I shouldn't have had that stupid blood test.

Please say prayers for my sil. She was admitted to the hospital in congestive heart failure. They are transferring her to a different hospital. I am sure she is terrified. We are going up to see her tonight. She is only 38...

8 dpo and freaking a bit....

2008-05-10T20:30:00.002-05:00

I'm 8dpo today. Tomorrow, Mother's Day, I am 9DPO. Way too early to pee on a stick, but I am going do it anyway. What can I say except I am masochistic. Maybe I'll get a little lucky. I am still spotting. It was nice for about a day because it gave me a lot of hope and really good signs. Now I am so over it. Wishing for everything to be ok. Wishing for it to stop. Wishing for a BFP. I can't believe it is the middle of May. I am still stuck in February. The last couple of days I have had horrendous heartburn. Last night, I had nausea so bad I couldn't move. I have the spotting but no pain. Just a lot of wierd pulling and tugging. I keep reading how this spotting is a very good sign if you are trying to get pregnant. Well I got the sign God. Now make it go away cause it is totally freaking me out.

Regardless, I can't change what will happen in the future. I can't control what the results will be. I'll test tomorrow through next weekend. I have 6 first response tests. I have my blood test on Monday afternoon after work. I plan on calling my ob's office Tuesday afternoon after work for the results. Let's hope it is good news. I can use some nowadays.

6DPO

2008-05-08T06:36:00.002-05:00

6dpo. Why does it seem the two week wait is an eternity??? I have decided to go and buy some first response tests tonight. I seem to trust those more. I kept the positive ones from last month to use as comparison. Wow that's pretty obsessive. I really think I am this month. I feel the exact same way as I did with Peyton. I am tired, cranky, bloated, feel like af is coming any minute, heartburn (this morning from OJ and a poptart), crampy since 2dpo, low backache, tons of CM, and a tad miniscule amount of spotting yesterday afternoon and this morning. All very very good signs. I am going to start testing on Sunday. Get my blood draw done on Monday afternoon. I pray that I get a positive Monday morning at 10DPO before the blood draw. Then I could just sit back already knowing the results, lol. If Iam, while I have the nurse on the phone, I am going to ask for a blood test for progesterone too just to ease my mind. Which means, I'll get poked Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Lucky me. I don't mind though. It will all be worth it in the end.

We are slowly winning bedtime wars with Sara..... She is a stubborn little one.

Exhausted, yawnnnn

2008-05-05T09:41:00.002-05:00

Oh my, I am so exhausted and there is no reason to be. Well there could be a reason. I slept in till 10am yesterday. I even took a nap between 4-6pm. Went to bed at 11pm. This morning I can barely keep my eyes open. I hope that means that I am pregnant again. My boobs are pretty tender today. That is unusual this early. Normally that would be a next week symptom or at least further a few days into the 2 ww. They feel fuller.

I have been pregnant since like the middle of November off and on with about a month off 2/22-3/24. Do you realize that if I am pregnant again that will make over a year of being pregnant. agggggh. I'll take it. Just make this baby stick. That's all I ask. Give me a healthy sticky baby and I'll give up my uterus in return.

Seriously, I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep because I am so tired. 3DPO today. Blood test next Monday. I still think it will be hysterical to see wildly climbing numbers instead of 0. I am sure my ob is on to it. lol. Can you imagine the nurse's face. Umm doc, her numbers went UP instead of to 0.

The wait begins again....

2008-05-03T19:20:00.002-05:00

I guess I can say that an enormous amount of weight has been taken off my shoulders. I was very worried that my body would not return to normal. I am very happy that all of my drs are treating me like glass. It's amazing the difference in care when you have lost a baby, not to mention two in the space of a few months. The last one was not as bad. I guess because even though I was pregnant again. I only knew about it for 4 days before I lost it again. It never had a heartbeat. I guess that makes a difference to me for some reason. I feel like I have been on this wild roller coaster ride. All I want is to get pregnant again asap and have a normal QUIET pregnancy, kwim. The weight has been taken off my shoulders. Half the battle is just getting pregnant and well we all know that is not a problem for me. It's just making them stick around that is the problem. I was sad that day till I discovered I was ovulating and then that just made my week!!! Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward ahead.

People can't believe my positive attitude and persistence. All I can say is statistically, eventually we will get a baby that sticks! You can do one of two choices. You can sit there and let it eat you and then you eventually become dark and shrivel up and die. Or. You can fight your way out of the darkness and get the best gift of all. It has not been easy to fight out of the darkness. The day that I found out Peyton was gone, part of me died. I have never been the type to give up as those that know me well will tell you. I have two beautiful girls that absolutely need me. I can't give up because then I give up on them.

My dh sent me a really beautiful story about a guy that was a motivator. He was always upbeat to the point of annoying. One day the guy fell from a scaffold and broke his back. He goes to the ER. The drs asked him what he was allergic to. After thinking for several minutes, he told them gravity. After the round of laughter, he told the drs to not give up on him because he hadn't given up on himself yet. He eventually made a full recovery. A friend asked him how he didn't let himself go down in dispair. The guy said, I could do that. However, what good will that do anyone? You can let yourself get down and out and die. Or you can choose to live. This guy chose to live. The moral of the story was do not worry about tomorrow as tomorrow will reveal itself soon enough and have its own set of problems. Worry about today as today was the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Ever since dh sent me that email, I have been trying to make a concerted effort to do that with my own life.

Some of my friends say I am glossing over things. I really honestly think that there are worse things in the world. I know I can get pregnant. That's half the battle. What would be worse would be to not be able to get pregnant, spend 5 years trying, only to loose a child. That really sucks. What about never being able to have a child. That would suck. I have a good life. I have wonderful drs who support me. How many pcp's would call you from home to let you know your US was ok on a Saturday? What about getting the hospital to call in an US tech to reassure you? Not too many. How many ob drs stay with you during your entire labor and do everything themselves? There wasn't a nurse there that touched me during the time I had Sara. They did ivs. They assisted my ob. He did all my checks and everything himself. How many obs sit with their patient in recovery when they had a d&c for a baby that died at 13 1/2 weeks? From what I get from friends, not too many. How many nurses will call you from the peri's office just to talk with you and make sure you are ok? Not that many. I have a good job that pays me well. Drives me crazy at times. Really though it is not that bad a job. I know there are a few special people where I work that will check on me constantly. I live in a country where there is opportunity if you want to take it. So things could be worse. At least I had warm compassionate drs and I live in a country where I can make the most of the opportunities presented.

While it sucks that teenage girls get knocked up, the condom broke for a friend, someone is having their 5th kid, someone else has an unexpected pregnancy, it will just make it that much nicer when it happens for me. I know I will cry when I see the baby on the US. I know my ob will be doing a multitude of blood draws and USs to make sure everything is ok. No, they won't think I am a crazed freak for calling and worrying.

So let's hope that blood test on the 12th comes back good. Let's hope for happy news. Let's hope for a healthy and happy nine months. Cause if you lose hope, what else is there?

OMG I am ovulating......

2008-05-01T12:41:00.002-05:00

Well you may wonder how the heck that happened when I lost another baby. God works in mysterious ways. Best I can figure out is I lost the last baby at 12dpo. I had bleeding that started on 11dpo with a kidney stone. That bleeding became extremely heavy on 12dpo (4/19). So heavy that I went through about 8 pads and everytime I went to the bathroom, there was even more blood. Then I had medium bleeding the next day. Light bleeding on Monday. Spotting throughout the week till Sat 4/26. This would make it seem a bit of a longer period. I think the reason why I did not get positive pregnancy tests till last weekend was because of how much water I was drinking. I was drowning in the stuff to flush the stones. It also explains how my levels dropped so quickly.

So yesterday I notice eggwhite CM. I thought HMMMM. That's wierd. Now I had taken opks since Saturday and they became progressively lighter as the HCG left my body. Remember Tuesday morning at 9:15am it was a 4 when my blood was drawn. I remember after loosing Peyton, O came back a couple of days after my pregnancy tests were negative. I have negative blood and urine tests at this point. So I took two different opks. Dark line. Not as dark as control but close to it. Definitely darker than any other time I have O'd. Thought NAHHHHH. Took a guanifesin tablet to increase CM just in case last night. This morning, notice lots of CM at 3:40am. So I woke DH and up and we dtd. Took an internet opk and an Answer OPK. The Answer one is a blazing positive and the internet cheapie was very very close to control (remember I didn't get a true positive on the opk before the last 2 times). HOLY CRAP. So glad dh and I dtd this morning. Now we are off to baby dance for the next 2 days. I am testing again this afternoon with the opks. I am taking more guanifesin. Word of advice - tablets make GOBS of CM with lots of water. OMG. The syrup was nothing like this!!!! So my plan of attack is tonight, tomorrow morning, tomorrow afternoon, and tomorrow night for sure. Then we will see where we stand.

AND this morning the nurse from my OB's office called me. I had a chemical pregnancy. I don't have to come in tomorrow. YEAH, I was dreading that. However, my ob told her he wants me to have another blood draw. Why would he want me to have another draw when he saw my levels dropped drastically from 23 to 4 in 3 days??? Wouldn't you assume they were zero? I think he is on to what I just figured out! She said that he wants to see it at zero. HAH. Not if I have my way. Can you imagine the OMG she is pregnant again if it works??? I know he said a week, but I am hoping to extend it to 3 days to 10DPO on the 12th. Let's say my week is 10 days, lol. Talk about the planets aligning. The last time I had this feeling was when I got pregnant with Peyton. I am going to ask the lab to please copy my pcp on it. If it comes back pregnant, the nurses from my pcp's office will be the first to call me. I just know what D will say. Damn girl......

Lost this baby too....

2008-04-30T15:00:00.002-05:00

It is so not fair. Why did God give me a miracle to only take it away again. I mean I wasn't happy that I wasn't pregnant, but was dealing with it. Why say not pregnant, then pregnant, then not pregnant again??? I knew I implanted late. I also read that STUPID study from the NEJM that stated that if implantation took place on the 11dpo that meant that there was an 82% chance of miscarriage. So I knew my chances were slim. WHY couldn't I be in the 18%?? My levels on Saturday were 23. I was DEFINITELY pregnant. Then yesterday they are down to 4. I had my ob's office draw the levels. I don't like being in this club. I just want one healthy baby. Just one more. Then whoever wants my uterus can HAVE it. Seriously, I am thinking of a csection hysterectomy the next time. That way NO chance of being pregnant after the baby is born. I guess I should know that by now me getting pregnant on the first or second try is NOT a fluke. I get pregnant quick. I just need to keep them in is all. The nurse said I should still see my ob on Friday. You know what I don't want to go. If all he is going to tell me is how sorry he is, I don't want to hear it. I know people don't know what to say and say they are sorry. Honestly, how sorry are they? They can not be as sorry as me. The sad part is no one knows what to say or do with me now. Dh is leaving in July and August for like 6-7 weeks so both of those months are now out. So I only have this month and next month now to get pregnant. Everyone is saying how I should just sit out a few months. I don't WANT to sit out a few months. If I sit out a few months, I have to get on some continuous BCP because the endo grows. If I get on with it and get pregnant again, it doesn't. So now I am back to having NO idea what to do with my cycle. I took two OPKs today and a pregnancy test. Pregnancy test is negative (after taking about 20 this weekend). Opks have nice lines on them. Not as dark as the test line, but not like there is not a surge starting. I am wondering if because I was downing so much water, my urine was so diluted it wasn't picking up the positive pregnancy tests. Which is funny because I had a postive dollar store and internet pregnancy test yesterday, pretty faint, but there. How can that be at only 4 hcg level?? My first response test was pretty faint Monday morning though. Although it had been blazing Sunday night. So I am not sure if I am going to O now or bleed? I bled a lot last week. I think I actually lost the baby then. Just found out by accident. So for now I test and wait. I'll either O or get a period. One of the two.

So I went in for kidney stones and came out with a

2008-04-26T14:29:00.003-05:00

POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST. OMG OMG OMG OMG. You may wonder how the heck did that happen. Well I thought I got af last week. I thought I had a kidney infection earlier this week. So I bucked up and called my pcp and went in. She checked my urine and it was PLUS 3 for blood trace leuckocytes. Because I had so much pain and blood she went ahead and put me on macrodantin - max dose. YUCK. So she asked me yesterday, are you sure you are not pregnant??? I said no. I had af last week. :( I was so bummed yesterday. The nurse was like are you guys trying? Yes, but it obviously didn't work. I had even gotten a refill of my l.o.r.t.a.b. rx for endo. I had taken I don't know how many doses of 800mg motrin for my endo. It wasn't endo, it was kidney stones!!!! I had a drink, OMG. I ate a whole pint of Bailey's icecream. So anyway. This morning I decided to take an OPK. Immediately a dark line came up. My first thoughts were OMG, dh is out of town and we obviously can't do anything. How the heck am I ovulating on CD 9??? WTH. Then my dr's voice popped in my head and said are you sure you are not pregnant? I thought NAH. So I peed on a dollar store stick. POSITIVE. I peed on an internet hcg stick. POSITIVE. I peed on an Answer OPK. POSITIVE. Finally I decided to bring out the big guns. I peed on a clearblue digital. No way in hell that will be positive because it is certain pregnant, not pregnant. A few minutes go by. PREGNANT came up. WTF?? I about puked. How can that happen? I know the clearblue has a sensitivity of 50mIU/ml. My loss board is going completely nuts. What a miracle.

So I completely freaked out. Called my pcp's office and they had me bring the tests with me. Everyone is shaking their heads in disbelief. I bypass everyone in the waiting room and go to the exam room. Oh and left the girls in the waiting room screaming their heads off!!! The nurses kept an eye on them but, Kirsten has a big freaking mouth. So, I hear doc tell M, did you get a urine on her. M says, doc she brought in 5 different positive tests. They are all lined up on the counter for you. Do you need more proof??? She said no. Doc comes in and looks at the tests and says YES YOU ARE PREGNANT. I am still having this terrible back and flank pain, I was terrified of an ectopic. Plus I had bleeding. So she called the hospital and they had an US tech come in from home to do an US on me. Doc also had blood drawn for quant hcg levels. She will get those results tomorrow and will call me at home. So everyone is like OMG at the office.

So go to the hospital, while there the US tech and I decide we should check for kidney stones. While the secretary was calling for the dr to order it, she did the pelvic US. It was too early to see a baby at 4 weeks 5 days. She checked the tubes for swelling and fluid. There was none. She checked for a corpus luteum, and I had one. This is what produces the progesterone to sustain pregnancy till the placenta takes over. IT WAS THERE. I had tears when she said that!!!

Got the authorization for the renal US. She spent 40 minutes on my right kidney and only 5 minutes on my left kidney. She kept measuring 3-4 circles on my right kidney that showed up as white circles. She wouldn't tell me ANYTHING. AGGGGGHHHH.

My pcp called me as soon as the radiologist called her. I have no signs whatsoever of an ectopic pregnancy. WHOO HOO. Still too early to see the bean. That I have kidney stones in my right kidney. My right kidney is dialated and the ureter is dialated too. OMG I am PREGNANT. I am in the club. WHOO HOO. I thought I was totally out this month! The only thing I can do is drink lots of water, cranberry juice, take antibiotics, and tylenol. OWWWWWWWWWW. We'll know more tomorrow. I feel really good about this. I saw a rainbow on Wednesday. That was the day my temp took an enormous drop. Peyton sounded his little heartbeat for me. I am so freaking excited.

So please say some prayers for me and keep me in your thoughts. I need all the sticky baby vibes I can get!!!! I am CD 35!!!! Oh and the bleeding, my pcp thinks it was a combination of implantation bleeding and kidney stone bleeding. A friend of mine emailed me who has kidney stones a lot said she bleeds like af from it too. The US tech could not find out where the bleeding was from. OMG it was so heavy last Saturday. I am of course freaked out, but for now it is ok. I am holding my breath. Thank God for good drs and hospitals.

Calgon take me away!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-23T16:54:00.002-05:00

Oh calgon please come and take me away. Dh is gone on his business trip. I swear the girls are trying to drive me crazy! How can two girls that are so far apart in age find so much to fight about??? Today was a work at home day. Thank God, I needed it!!! I need to hurry up and get pregnant so I can do this the WHOLE summer. Dr. E said he would approve me to do work at home on Wednesdays in an attempt to break up my commute and work week and keep my bp low.

I hate the waiting. All I want to see are two dark lines. Two dark lines that say HEY you are pregnant. I swear I will welcome puking. Isn't that terrible? Although I know better than anyone that just because you still have all of the symptoms of pregnancy, it isn't an assurance that your pregnancy will be ok. I am feeling very comfortable with how much time I can take off. Maybe it was God's way of making sure that I would take the time off.

I went shopping today. I need some clothes. I still havn't lost the 10 lbs that I gained with the last pregnancy. I was truly perplexed. I didn't want to buy shorts that fit perfectly cause I could get pregnant soon and outgrow them. I didn't want to buy big because well what if it doesn't happen. So I bought a size bigger and with drawstring. Perfect. I figured if I get pregnant this month (oh please let it happen), then I have room to grow. Shorts usually get put away at the end of October sometime. I picked up two long sleeve shirts in my favorite type of shirt. I bought them HUGE and 2 for $10.98 clearance. I am hoping I will have a need for them at the end of the year!!!

The gas prices. They are killing me. Two commutes (Mine is 90 miles, dh is 60 miles) in two Ford Explorers are killing us. I hope Bush gets booted from office soon so we can have gas prices drop. I am CONVINCED they will drop when he leaves.

CD 5

2008-04-22T19:38:00.002-05:00

I hate the waiting. Everywhere I turn, I see pregnant women. Every time I turn on the tv, some celebrity is knocked up. I quit going to my June babies board. I just couldn't take it anymore. I emailed a few that I am close with to let them know to contact me by email. They all understood. I mean how can you be pregnant and oh maybe I might make my first appt at 13-14 weeks. Are you serious??? They take it so lightly. At least AF is leaving and it wasn't too awful. I really expected it to be horrendous. I was able to still have a life this week. Maybe it was God giving me a break for once. It feels surreal. I feel like I am stuck in time while life goes on around me. Each day is an eternity.

So many have joined the loss board in the last week. Heartbreaking stories. For some, it is not their first time there. That makes me terrified. Cause if it could happen once, it can happen again. So I decided on a few things. I am not taking anything I absolutely do not have to. I'm not going to be getting my steroid shot in my knee on the 5th. I really really need it. I'm not taking any pain medication for it. Not even tylenol if I can help it. I am not doing any tylenol sinus or anything. Cut down soda to one can a day. Started walking again even though my orthopedist is going to flip. He prefers me to bike. I hate biking. I love walking. I figured it is easier to deal with my painful swollen knee than it is to deal with anxiety and slight depression. No, I am not taking drugs for that either. Walking heals that. I am wondering if I can use my tens machine in pregnancy. I will have to ask at the first appt. It helps my knee. From what I can see is a non invasive pain relief and appears to be safe.

DH is leaving in the morning for a business trip. He comes back Sunday night. So at least it will make the time till O go by faster. I pray pray pray that we get pregnant this month. I still have a chance for a 2008 baby. Although I would never ever advocate an early delivery, with my history, 35/5 would be 12/26. 37 weeks would be 1/4. So somewhere between 12/21 and 1/4 would be delivery time most likely. IF and that is a big IF we get pregnant this month. I have a whole new respect for people that it takes months to conceive. I am so not used to that. I am secretly worried it won't work. Ok this month we can say that my uterus was still healing and that there was not enough lining. BUT, what if it doesn't work this month? Then what? I have already decided after 3 months of trying, I will request a referral back to my endo specialist. If I get pregnant before then, great! If not, then he can do a lap. It takes a few months to get back into him. He is also a RE as well.

Figured out my leave today. If I were to get pregnant this cycle and could build 250 hours of comp time (no problem with summer coming). I could go out Nov 9th full time and not return till mid April. Sounds FABULOUS to me!!! I hate snow and like to hibernate in the winter anyway.

CD3

2008-04-20T21:25:00.002-05:00

Can I say again how much it sucks. I know I know. It was only the first cycle and my crazy ob said to wait three months. I told him that was an eternity. He said it would go by quickly. I told him it was easy for him to say that. He can go and deliver a million babies to make the time pass quickly. I am still in shock over my dr. I know where she was coming from when she said how devestated she was to find out she was pregnant and that she cried. Yet, understand where I am coming from. I lost a baby. A baby that had been planned and prayed for for 2 years. That's devestating. To say goodbye before you ever got the chance to say hello. To not wipe that baby's tears. To not see the first day of school. At least she still has this. Yes, a very abrupt hello. Still. She gets to keep her baby. I know she is worried about lifestyle changes, work, etc. Actually, it is kind of funny and cute because she has NO idea, lol. I know my time will come. Just hurry up God and help me out here. Once we get a healthy mom and a healthy baby, my uterus, we will give it to whomever wants it!!!

So now I am on CD 3. Yeah that so sucks. I'm not sure how I am liking the charting thing. I think once I make sure that I ovulated. I may stop temping. I still havn't dropped down past my coverline at CD 3. You know I don't want to go through months of temping. I'll have to see. Yeah, even though it has never taken me longer than 2 months to conceive. I am considering the possibilities that it may take months. I even went out to see when ovulation was as far out as July and August. I hate taking all these vitamins and baby aspirin. blech. I have been on them since September.

How can you be a DOCTOR and not know you are pregnant???

2008-04-19T12:39:00.004-05:00

Yeah, you read that right. So I decided to bite the bullet and take Sara to the dr today. Now, know that I love our pcp. She is awesome and I wish the absolute best for her. So it was pretty awkward being in the office because I was told my dr was like 8 weeks along now. Right?? WRONG!!!! So we get called back and the nurse asks us how our baby making was coming along? Are you serious?? You have got to be freaking kidding me. I said well obviously it didn't happen this month if I called the office yesterday and requested a refill on L.o.r.t.a.b for endometriosis and adenomyosis pain. I said um obviously it didn't happen this month. Oh well it will happen we got new ones popping up all over the place. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

So our dr comes in. I said I heard congratulations. Might as well get it out of the way. Honestly I was happy for her. I juts wanted to break the awkwardness. She said yeah I was soooo devestated. I could understand her position. Honestly I can. She is over 40. Been married over 15 years. Had given up on the idea of children. Then you find out that not only are you pregnant, but TWENTY-EIGHT WEEKS PREGNANT. Yeah you read that right. Due at the end of May. WTF? You mean when I was 4 weeks pregnant, she was already heading into the second trimester and didn't know it??? How can that happen?? So she said she thought the weight she was gaining was because she was older. She had heartburn, but tossed it to age and acid reflux acting up. Movement - she felt none. Periods - very irregular. Her periods were minimum 90 days apart and as much as 6 months apart. So she got the idea to test from her nurse and sent off a tube of blood to be tested. She thought she had a bladder infection, but heck well test for hcg as well. Guess what? Pregnant!! She said she was in absolute shock and devestated. I said I bet you cried. She said I did!! Then she said she called my ob bawling and devestated on his private line. He had her come over at lunch to check her out and get her calmed down. US stated she was 28 weeks along. No prenatal care. So she was freaking. I said well he is a good ob. That is his first love. He acts like the baby is his because he gets all excited when the baby kicks so you are in good hands. I told her he took really good care of me when I lost the baby. He scheduled it the next day during lunch and stayed in recovery with me.

She is now 34 weeks pregnant. She said she has been running around buying baby furniture, registering, etc. She said her mom told her she had to register and she just had no idea about any of that. I asked about daycare. She said she was going to keep the baby in her dh's office (he is the office manager) in one of those play things. I said a pack n play? She said yeah, that! So how long are you taking off? Oh, a couple of weeks. Are you serious? You are going to be exhausted. Well I go up to the ob floor to check the baby's out and I see moms walking around all the time. I said it's one thing to be walking around a HOSPITAL floor as a new mom and running a full time busy solo practice!!! I said ok. OMG! She has scheduled an elective c-section for convenience on May 19th. I have an idea my ob will be tying, burning, cutting her tubes, lol.

It blows my mind. Don't get me wrong. I really am happy for her. Honestly, as she said the hands of God were all over this one. I just wish desparately it were me. :( Then just watched the Juno movie. Why? I have no freakingidea. Just wanted I wanted to see another "surprise" . Grrrrr. With my dr, I didn't cry and I thought I would. I may even go buy her a baby present. AND she will be around for when I get pregnant and my baby when its born. We did discuss that my uterus is coming out when the next baby is here.

I said but you gotta be worried about all your peers seeing you naked. Don't worry, Dr. XXX would never say anything. But I had a friend of mine be my recovery room nurse and I still think OMG S. saw me naked. She said yeah, but she knows people here and that makes a difference. I said you are right. It's one of the reasons I don't want to go to Childrens. Kirsten was born in a big university hospital. Nobody talked to me. No one said what was going on. I trust you and Dr. E. That's it. That's why I don't see the midwives there AT ALL. She laughed. So I said I totally hear you on that one. We both decided we are anal retentive, lol.

Oh and Miss Sara. She has bronchitis and a sinus infection. So she is on Claritin and Amoxil now. The dr gave Sara 7 necklaces to wear with her dress. Dh asked Sara if she had been to Mardy

Sara discovered a birthday present. I had found TXO Elmo on sale at Walmart for $9. She is totally enthralled with it. She id dying from laughter. I have never seen her get such joy from a toy. I actually had to put batteries in it!

So I figured I will O again May 2nd. That would be a wonderful late Mother's Day present if I am. I just hope it happens soon. I am not used to dealing with TTC for long periods of time. Although one month is not that long unless you consider really since November. However, most of that was pregnancy. I could still be in for a 2008 baby based on my history. No nasty comments on a premature baby please. I would prefer a totally healthy full term baby. I am just saying since I have yet to get past 36 weeks and was told to count on delivering between 35-36 weeks. This would be the week between Christmas and New Years. Knowing my luck, I would end up with the first New Year's baby being born. NO I DO NOT WANT THAT AT ALL!!!! If I have a baby January 1st, might as well make it Dec 31st for the tax deduction please. I'll take the few hours for that. Now since the urgency for December is all off. I just hope it happens soon and baby and I are healthy and safe. Then I can plan for my hysterectomy between summer and Christmas. The good news is add another slot of time for leave. The way I am going, I will be able to take like 6 months off WITH pay. So screw work and trying to work at home. I have it figured out that I am at 2 1/2 months out before the baby is born and 3 months afterwards. Works for me. Maybe even more depending if I follow my track record. I have decided that I will be spending my winter months hibernating. Dh can still attend the genetic screening if we catch the egg this month. It would have to be the day before he leaves for camp on our anniversary.

Please send any and all baby dust my way. I hate feeling like this and hate this whole process of trying again.

I'm out this month

2008-04-18T15:03:00.002-05:00

Well it appears AF found me 3 days early at 11dpo. I am totally and utterly devestated. I know that it takes most women several months to conceive. I have always gotten it the first month of trying (well Sara was a second month of trying). It makes it so much harder because it seems that everyone I know is pregnant. The girl I was buddies with on my June board that was trying the same as me. Got her BFP yesterday at 11 dpo. Ashley Simpson, yep you guessed it, pregnant. Got an email from an old friend today. His wife is pregnant and due in October. Every single day, someone new is pregnant. Literally. It's like I lose my baby and the world starts raining babies on people that were "surprise" babies. Why not me? I know it has been 7 1/2 weeks since I lost the baby. I know my ob told me to wait 3 months. Still. It's an eternity. I have really sore boobs. I would swear I was pregnant if it were not for the bleeding. It's not heavy enough for a pad. It is red. It is everytime I wipe. Sorry if that is TMI for you. I thought for sure implantation was yesterday. I guess my uterus still isn't healed enough yet. I guess we'll know for sure tomorrow morning when my temp takes a big ole nosedive. I really really really wanted a 2008 and a December baby. I guess technically I could still have one seeing I have never gotten past 36 weeks and 37 weeks for me would be January 4th. I don't want a premature baby. I wanted to be able to hang out and be pregnant to at least 37 weeks. It's just so frustrating. I have no US pictures from Peyton. Not one. Only the image that was forever burned into my memory. I lost a lot of things losing him. It was all planned out. We prepared and planned for over 2 years!!! I did EVERYTHING right.

Then dh comes home and says why are you crying. Oh, well that isn't anything to be upset about. It's not like someone died you know. He doesn't get it. I just hope it happens soon. So next O day will be May 2nd ish.

10 dpo

2008-04-17T08:11:00.002-05:00

My temp took a huge dive today. That has me worried. Some of my online chart stalkers are saying not to worry. It could be implantation. I don't know. Test this morning was a BFN. It must have been evap lines yesterday. Daggone it. I have been having cramps this morning and it feels like af is going be here any second. I am quite bummed today. I am worried about testing tomorrow because that was when I got the positive last time at 11dpo. Keep your fingers crossed.

Well some answers...

2008-04-16T12:50:00.002-05:00

I called my peri's office today. The baby did measure 13 weeks. There is some question about how far along I was. According to the peri's office and online calculators, I was 13 weeks 5 days. According to my ob's office, I was 13 weeks 3 days. If the baby measured 13 weeks, then the baby could have passed as much as 5 days and as little as 2-3 days. The nurse said that the baby was too swollen to have a good picture on. The pictures she had were the size of a grain of rice with alot of fluid. I told her that that didn't make sense because on the screen on the wall was a fully formed baby. She said baby measured 13 weeks. So either my pics have gotten mixed up with someone else's or they deleted the pics or they didn't save the correct ones. She concluded that they either deleted them or didn't save the correct ones. Very very disappointing. Next time I will ask for pictures at every single US. We discussed the possibility that I may be pregnant. She said to make sure that I call and get in for the transnuchal US at 12 weeks because that is the optimal time. The first trimester will be a busy one for me with lots of USs. Who am I to complain. 5-6 weeks will be first appt with midwife. 7-9 weeks first US at hospital. 8-9 weeks appt with my ob, and US. 12 weeks - US with ob and appt and transuchal US with Peri. 16 weeks appt with ob (I am specifically requesting an appt at 14 weeks to ease my anxiety and he told me that he would do this at my fu appt). 17-18 weeks appt with peri and US. 20 weeks US and ob appt. Then I think I go every two weeks to my ob and every 4 weeks to my peri till 26-28 weeks. Then it will be every week for my ob and every two weeks with my peri. Then at 32 weeks appts every week with peri. I am glad I will be seen so much.

So the nurse asked me how I was doing and what happened afterwards. I told her I had a d&c the next day during lunch, my ob hung out in the recovery room with me till I went to the floor. (I still didn't know he was there but he was because he specifically mentioned certain things that I said and I remember saying them). That I hemmoraged afterwards. Then everything went back to normal afterwards. She said she couldn't wait to see me back and with my history, I needed to get in ASAP with them. I also discovered my peri has launched a website. I am impressed. I like docs that use technology.

My necklace came in the mail yesterday. I immediately put it on. It is absolutely beautiful. The pendant is smaller than I thought it was. I like small delicate jewelry and it is perfect. Sara loves it too. She loves to sit on my lap and finger the baby tear part. I just hope she doesn't break it. Dh thinks it is quite silly, but I don't really care.

Did I tell you? My baby girl is potty training! She was so excited last night. Everyone has been riding her to use the potty. I told them to back off. She has got a stubborn streak a mile long like me and is miss independent just like me. Last night went to the bathroom upstairs. She came running down all excited and grabbed me to show me what she did. She went again last night before bed and was actually dry from when we had dinner to bedtime. Then this morning she did it again. She is so proud of herself. I was getting a pullup out of the box and she kept pointing to the box saying she was a big girl too. I guess she is potty training just in time!!!! I may let her go in underwear and see how she does this weekend, but outings will definitely still be in a pullup. I can't wait to talk with her teacher today.

Kirsten made it to Florida safe and sound and is enjoying the beach and pool. She is such a fish. She went to eat dinner at Perkins (umm they go all the way to Florida and eat at Perkins??? I would so be hitting every single fresh seafood place in town. We have Perkins here in NY).

Oh and you are wondering if I poas today right?? Well I did and still an extremely faint second line. I am still not calling it till I get a nice dark line that can be seen easily and readily. I really think I am. I spent last night paying for a drink I had. I had a mudslide (go ahead and slap me now, it was my birthday!) at Applebees. I paid for it the entire night. Still have sore boobs that are not made any better by Sara who constantly jabs them. I was nauseated so bad last night and this morning. It seems that the nausea is hitting worse first thing in the morning and late afternoon onwards. The dizziness is still hanging around. So I am hoping time moves forward to Monday so I can test with a digital. It still is WAY too early for it to show on a digital. So keep your fingers crossed.

I don't understand this at all.....

2008-04-15T18:34:00.002-05:00

So I got a bill for the US that said there was no heartbeat from the peri's office. Originally it was a transnuchal screening. At the time my peri and the tech confirmed no heartbeat. I asked the tech when and she did a crown to rump measurement and said the baby measured 13 weeks. I was 13 weeks 3 days at the time of the us. My peri confirmed it. She said the baby had passed in the last day or so. She asked me what had changed that week. I told her I had had a really bad case of the flu and a severe kidney infection. She said that is probably what did it. The US was projected onto a 50 inch screen that showed a fully formed baby. The baby was laying on his back. Arms were down by the side. Knees were bent like doing a situp. Showed head, body, even a nose that looked like mine (dh has a big one), a normal US profile except baby was still. I have had that image burned into my brain since it happened. I also had an US at my ob's office at 8 1/2 and 12 1/2 weeks. His machine is pretty old. The one at 8 1/2 weeks showed a blob with a heartbeat. The one at 12 1/2 weeks showed a bigger blob with a heartbeat. He didn't focus on the baby as much as the heart. We clearly saw the valve of the heart clicking.

So I mailed in my $5 copayment. I included a note that asked if there any US pictures, could I please have a copy. I knew that the tech had saved them because she wouldn't let me up until she did. I get a call from the nurse at my peri's office. They left a message on the answering machine. She said she went back and looked at my pictures. She said that she was sorry to say that there really wasn't anything in there because the baby had been so slow growing??? She said there wasn't a baby at all in the pics? I don't understand. How can 3 USs, my peri, ob, us tech and me be wrong? Do you think they got the wrong patient and pics mixed up? She did say my name. This has me extremely upset.

In addition, my paperwork for the d&c said fetal demise at 13 weeks. Not fetal demise at 13 weeks 3 days which is what I was at the time I found out. The baby had measured 13 weeks crown to rump. I tried calling the office because this is driving me crazy now. They closed at 3 and don't reopen till 730 tomorrow. Great calling them on my birthday. I mean if the baby was very slow growing, then it won't change the next pregnancy. I would like to know the truth. Now I am wondering if I hallcuinated the whole thing!!!

I just want to know the truth of when the baby passed. Cause now I can't stand knowing!!!!! It's ok if they don't have the pictures. I just want the truth. I am also going to be requesting the operative and pathology reports from my pcp as my ob copies her on that stuff. I have to turn in med forms for Sara next week anyway. If I am pregnant, I will know next week and I really think I am. I am 8 dpo. I think I see an extremely faint line on my super sensitive pregnancy tests. It's so early that it is hard to see. I am going to keep testing. I am super nauseated today and the last couple of days. I have been dizzy too. I almost barfed at Applebees tonight. I know way tmi. I had to tell dh it was time to leave.

Ugh wish me luck tomorrow. I want a BFP for my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7DPO

2008-04-14T18:01:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I am going to cheat and POAS tomorrow. Might as well get the first negative out of the way and they are burning a hole in my medicine cabinet! So anything new happening? I have extremely sore bbs today. They still hurt long after being jabbed. Yes, I have jabbed them, lol. I was so nauseated all day. Had to suck on cinanmon candies all day.Couldn't eat lunch. Still dizzy a bit but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I am hoping these are good signs. My chart had a temp increase today. All my chart stalkers are telling me how pretty it is. So keep your fingers crossed. Wish my baby girl Kirsten good luck tomorrow. She is flying to Florida with her grandparents.

Taxes

2008-04-13T14:21:00.002-05:00

Can I say how much taxes suck. We owed 14k between state and federal. WTF. We have to pay $1700 and we get a whopping $97 back from state. We make around a 100k. WOW. Last year, we made that much because I worked a zillion hours of OT to pay off some credit card bills that we had. Working that OT has come to bite me in the butt. This year, I will make the same salary as I did last year with all that OT (had a 10k payraise). This year for federal I dumped 10k into flex spending accounts. Last year, I only had 2k. I also had planned/hoped for a tax deduction baby. We will see if that still works out. Thank God they will not allow me to go past my due date if I shall be so lucky to get pregnant again. It just drives me crazy that I am paying out the wazoo for daycare, health insurance, taxes, dental insurance. The more I make, the more it slips through our fingers. The good news is that I refuse to take OT pay now. I take comp time. Time is more valuable to me now instead of money. Next year, I am dumping more money into our retirement accounts. I wanted to max out flex spending first. It took me all day to do taxes. Grrrr.

Tonight we go out for our birthday dinners. Dh's birthday is 4/15. Mine is 4/16. Bil's is 4/17. Inlaws can't claim to miss our birthdays!!! Tuesday they are taking Kirsten to Florida for vacation with them. Sara will be lost! Back to birthdays, I know we should be glad that they take us out to dinner. Although one thing that really irks me is that they never ask us where we want to go. I guess since they are paying they choose. Sil's birthday is in October. They always go wherever she wants to go. Seems like dh and I get the short end of that stick. That's ok. Dh and I are going to go out on Tuesday for our own birthdays.

As far as pregnancy symptoms watch:
BBs still hurt a LOT all over. They seem fuller but not bigger yet.
Dizziness. I have been so freaking dizzy all day. Dh has had to ask me several times if I was ok.
Complete memory gap today, lol.
Slight waves of nausea have hit me today.

All of these can be construed as PMS symptoms. Unless I get a positive test saying otherwise, that is what I am believing! I plan on starting testing on Wednesday. Let me tell you, I am having a very hard time resisting POAS! I'm going to be so upset if I am not.

PE Mommy

It's been awhile

It's been so long!!!

All that worry for nothing!

Confused

Ramblings

What I have Been Up To...

What medical records can tell you....

OB Nurses at my hospital

One year has passed

Caitlyn Elyse is here at 36 weeks on 1/16/09

What's worse, knowing what is coming or not knowing?

And PE Hits Again.....

33 weeks! HAPPY NEW YEAR

32 weeks!

So I have decided I am a freak.

30 Week Peri Appt

Just when I thought she actually cares.... Hah, joke is on me.

What on earth was I thinking?

More problems

26 Week 6 Day OB Appt

Ong Rant about DH

RIBS

Miserable

Adam lived without a rib....

For Scumsucking Drug Seekers

I PASSED!

24 Weeks and Viable

22 week 6 day OB appt and ER FU

Work Rant

What a weekend!!!

BP

More troubles.....

Reflections

20 week appt and BIG WHINE POST AHEAD

Another PE post

Pe and the Brewer's Diet

Ramblings about PE

Peri Appointment Today

Wanderings...

Lots happening...

Prayers needed...

I'm back!

Going home....

Crossroads..........

Dh is coming home!

Even more good news

Where's My Calgon At???

Low progesterone in pregnancy

13 weeks 1 day

Today is a WONDERFUL day!!!

Hooray for the sounds of a wonderful heartbeat!!!

Work Rant

The big week...

Samples EVERYWHERE!!!!!!

More anxiety

Anxiety and breakdowns

I have the Blahsss

9 week 6 day appt

Ok God, I have had enough!

Migraines....

9 weeks today!

You know it's ok......

7 weeks 6 days

7 weeks 1 day

6 weeks 6 days

Urology Appointment

29300 HCG and a Heartbeat of 117

We are having a Valentine's Day baby!!!!!

HCG update....

All the prayers were heard...

Need lots of P&PTs today

I am definitely pregnant

Well I have never gotten one this early....

9 DPO

Exhausted

Memorial Day weekend

2 DPO

kAn Update of Sorts...

Still no answers....